Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I’ve really been struggling recently.
I was sick for several weeks–I thought that was it.
But it wasn’t.
Instead, I’ve been in a downward spiral, feeling miserable, which keeps me from getting anything done, which makes me miserable…
You know, the vicious cycle.
The one I know I’m in, but I can’t seem to escape.
That’s the thing, of course. I know depression is a fucking liar. Yet, when I’m in the throes of it, knowing doesn’t mean a damned thing.
I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world.
I wish I could just give up, except that I know that doing so would hurt people, and that would make me an even WORSE person than I already think I am, so I keep trudging along.
Get out of bed. Go to work. Feel overwhelmed and worthless. Pretend everything is okay, because worthless or not, we need my paycheck. Come home. Try to distract myself. Go to bed. And the whole thing starts over.
I was IMing someone today who has the same struggles I do. I said that I didn’t want to blog about how hard I was struggling, because I didn’t want to cause people to worry. Because, you know, that makes me even more selfish.
So many people in my life right now are struggling: Two friends have mothers who may have late stage lung cancer. Other friends have family members going through various serious medical issues. My extended family is still reeling from two unexpected deaths in less than six months.
What right do I have to complain? To whine? To talk about my own problems which exist only in my brain?
But my friend reminded me that it helps other people to know they aren’t alone in their struggles. That if I don’t talk about it, then those other people who are struggling might think they are alone.
And they aren’t.
So here it is–my continued struggle.
But it’s something more than that. It’s a reminder to myself that depression is a fucking liar. And that I will keep going. I’ll get up in the morning and go to work. And things will get better.
Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not the next day. But they will get better.
Because depression is a fucking liar, and I won’t let it get the best of me.
And thank you again to my friend who reminded me of these things.