Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Just a Fucking Ray of Sunshine
I’ve really been struggling recently.
I was sick for several weeks–I thought that was it.
But it wasn’t.
Instead, I’ve been in a downward spiral, feeling miserable, which keeps me from getting anything done, which makes me miserable…
You know, the vicious cycle.
The one I know I’m in, but I can’t seem to escape.
That’s the thing, of course. I know depression is a fucking liar. Yet, when I’m in the throes of it, knowing doesn’t mean a damned thing.
I feel like I’m the most horrible person in the world.
I wish I could just give up, except that I know that doing so would hurt people, and that would make me an even WORSE person than I already think I am, so I keep trudging along.
Get out of bed. Go to work. Feel overwhelmed and worthless. Pretend everything is okay, because worthless or not, we need my paycheck. Come home. Try to distract myself. Go to bed. And the whole thing starts over.
I was IMing someone today who has the same struggles I do. I said that I didn’t want to blog about how hard I was struggling, because I didn’t want to cause people to worry. Because, you know, that makes me even more selfish.
So many people in my life right now are struggling: Two friends have mothers who may have late stage lung cancer. Other friends have family members going through various serious medical issues. My extended family is still reeling from two unexpected deaths in less than six months.
What right do I have to complain? To whine? To talk about my own problems which exist only in my brain?
But my friend reminded me that it helps other people to know they aren’t alone in their struggles. That if I don’t talk about it, then those other people who are struggling might think they are alone.
And they aren’t.
So here it is–my continued struggle.
But it’s something more than that. It’s a reminder to myself that depression is a fucking liar. And that I will keep going. I’ll get up in the morning and go to work. And things will get better.
Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not the next day. But they will get better.
Because depression is a fucking liar, and I won’t let it get the best of me.
And thank you again to my friend who reminded me of these things.
January 29th, 2013 at 9:36 pm
You’re MY Ray of Sunshine. Love you, my friend, and remember, you’re not alone.
January 29th, 2013 at 10:35 pm
And you can’t get better if you bottle it up and don’t let it out.
OR, if you don’t like that chestnut… how about… You can’t sing the blues without having suffered.
Yeah, soundbites suck. Maybe you’ll accept my best wishes anyway. (grin)
Dr. Phil
January 29th, 2013 at 10:36 pm
I’m sorry you are going through that. Today’s world gives little leeway for these times in every life. As Janiece says, remember that you are not alone, we share vicariously through your blog and send good thoughts and positive energy.
I know people always recommend exercise in times like these, but usually it is so mentally draining that it is impossible to do. I do recommend making a change…even something simple like making your screensaver a slideshow of Ricky Martin the Metal Chicken could be the spark.
January 30th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
It’s kind of a sucky winter, isn’t it.
January 30th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
I love you. That is all.
January 30th, 2013 at 9:55 pm
Thanks for putting this up — for those of us reading, it’s sorta like when you reluctantly show someone a, “weird thing on your neck”, and then that person confirms they had a weird thing just the other week. And it fell off.
I hope your weird neck thing falls off soon. Rest assured, I’ve had one like that before, it fell off. ;)
January 31st, 2013 at 8:19 am
I love you all. :)
Thank you for the support–it’s really hard most of the time, because I feel like I’m whining.
Mark–welcome! I do exercise regularly–I walk at lunch with a friend (this is fabulous and has saved my sanity many a time, because I can’t easily get out of it), and I walk a mile after work from my office to my husband’s. When weather isn’t vile, we’ll sometimes walk in the evening, but with me being sick and the weather being awful, that simply hasn’t happened.
Shawn, it’s not just the weird thing on my neck, it’s the scary bit on TOP of the bit on the top of my neck. ;)