There was a bit this morning, just as I woke up, on the health aspects of forgiveness.

One comment was that if you forgive someone, and they don’t apologize in response, then what’s the point?

The reply was (in essence) that forgiveness is not to get a response out of the other person who has hurt you, but for you yourself, so you can get on with your life.

It made me think about times I’ve seen, primarily from “evangelical Christians,” people who will often speak openly about “forgiving you” for your transgression/sin/whatever. They’re often quite blunt and in the face about it, stepping right up to get that other cheek slapped.

I don’t think they have it right any more that the person who wanted an apology in response to their forgiveness. From where I’m standing, they don’t look like they actually forgive. They’re just trying to look better than their transgressor. It comes across as “look what a good Christian I am! I’m forgiving my enemies, just like Jesus said!” Which seems to be missing the point entirely.

They are openly forgiving those who have trespassed against them, yet who quite obviously do not want or need to hear abot that forgiveness, and who in many cases see that “forgiveness” as yet another slap in the face; a part of the original argument.

If you forgive someone–truly forgive someone–who has hurt you or upset you, do you always need to tell that person you have forgiven them? Is that the only way for them to know that you have forgiven them?

It seems to me that the answer is no, you don’t, and in some cases, if make a point to tell the person that you are forgiving them, then you aren’t really forgiving them at all. Forgiveness is something that happens to you. Often something you have to work very hard to achieve. Forgiveness is not just something that occurs when you say the words.

“I forgive you.”

Sometimes, yes, you do need to say those words. To let the person know that enough water has passed under the bridge. To let them know (to quote Concrete Blonde), “I’m not angry anymore.”

But I don’t think that is the case for all situations. And I don’t think that in most cases when the words are still hot on your tongue–or hot in your ears–that forgiveness is what is called for.

Sometimes, when you think that you need to give forgiveness, maybe what you need to give is an apology. Or maybe you just need to step back from the situation, to give everyone room to breathe and room to consider. Then later, when you’ve come to terms with the situation, that is the time to forgive. That’s the time for you to move on with your life, to forgive, regardless of whether the other person knows or not.