Why Funeral Homes But Not Nursing Homes
To answer the question that wasn’t quite asked…
It isn’t death I find distressing, it’s suffering.
In a hospital or funeral home the suffering comes as a part of the healing process. It may be acute and harsh, but with time will ease.
In a nursing home, the suffering is without hope of recovery, its cessation only in death.
It is the lack of hope I find crushing, it is the lack of hope keeps me from crossing the threshold. The idea that there is no getting better, there is only a long or short struggle towards the end, it is this that drives me to despair.
All that contained suffering, multiplied for every patient, to be alleviated only by death; that is what drives me away despite my best intentions. The cries of anguish, the cries of dementia, repeated down different halls, repeated day after day, it is these things I cannot bear to hear and see, for it is these things I cannot help.
There is no joke or funny story capable of ceasing those cries.
So death does not bother me. It may cause sorrow, but it is a sorrow that contains hope, contains the joyous memories of who the person was. The sorrow of death contains the knowledge that the joyful funny person will live on in your memories, and in memories of others who loved them.
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April 29th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Yes. But for myself, I have to say that I’ll go if I must - if my presence relieves the suffering of someone I love who has to be there.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I truly wish I could.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I understand what you mean, though for me, I would describe the particular difficulty with nursing homes to be the glaring amount of loss I see there. Loss of ability, loss of memory, loss of sanity, etc.
The suffering is, in my opinion, a continuation of the human suffering I see before the nursing home (which is why I do not watch the news on TV if at all possible).
In this, as in everything, you do what you can and don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t.
I will definitely have some sort of DNR statement when I get that advanced in age, and then stop eating when I choose to go.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Michelle, I completely understand what you mean, and think you articulated the differences well.
I keep coming up with things to say that don’t sound quite right, so I’ll do this, which is what I wanted the words to do.
::hug::
April 30th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Anne (and everyone else),
Don’t wait until you get older. We never know what the future holds, and as morbid as it may feel, discussing these things with your loved ones now could save them pain later as they try to guess what you would have wanted.
You can create a statement stating what you want to happen if you are unable to make decisions for yourself, or at least tell your loved ones your wishes.
Tania,
Thank you. I actually spent a surprising amount of time writing that, trying to come up with precisely the right words.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I had meant the literal “Do Not Resucitate” (as in if I am not breathing, for God’s sake, let me die) which I’m not going to say at this time, but you make a good point. Letting people know how you feel about being kept alive via machines is critical in this day and age.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:09 am
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