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At the End
As I was reading the comments on yesterday’s post, I realized that I haven’t talked about some subjects that are important to me, and that some of you who have started reading here only recently may not know.
Up until last year, when I dropped out for mental health and personal reasons, I was pursuing and Masters in Public Health. The majority of my classes were gerontology classes, and the focus of my classwork and semester projects was end-of-life care.
And yes, those two subjects are quite often mutually exclusive.
When I discuss my inability to enter nursing homes, this is a phobia that goes back to my childhood. Yesterday’s post was an attempt to answer a question by that wasn’t quite asked by my aunt, as to why I was able to easily enter a funeral home, while remaining unable to deal with nursing homes. My phobia is specifically nursing homes, not funeral homes, not hospitals, and not the ill or the dying. As I said yesterday, it is the atmosphere of nursing homes, and the idea of them, that I am unable to tolerate.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the idea of nursing homes, and in many cases they are necessary to preserve someone’s quality of life. I am simply unable to enter such a facility.
Additionally, I wanted to highlight a comment I made yesterday, which is that you need to talk to your family and your loved ones about what you would want to happen to you if you were to end up incapacitated.
This is a subject we think about primarily in reference to the elderly, however tragedies can happen to any time and anyone, and by making our wishes known now. Yes, it’s morbid and depressing, but far better to have a single morbid and depressing conversation than to give our loved ones days, months, or heaven forbid years of trying to guess what our wishes would have been.
So I’ll start, for this is as good a place as any to make my wishes known. If I were to become incapacitated, with no hope of recovery, I do not want to be kept alive with tubes and machines. Medical technology is a wonderful thing, but I would rather time and money be spent on those with hope of recovery. If tragedy strikes, I want to be remembered as a lively vibrant person, not to be kept around as a living memorial to myself. I don’t want the grief of my loved ones to stretch out over weeks and years. If I am gone, then let me go, so those I love can go on with their lives.
See? That wasn’t too hard. And hopefully that will lead you to have a conversation with those you love, with those who will have to make those hard decisions if you are unable to do so yourself.
And so as not end on a dark note…
Two carrots took a day off from work to go skiing. One lost control, was in a tragic accident, was rescued by the ski patrol, and rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery.
After many hours, the doctor came out to talk.
“Doctor, doctor!” said the second carrot, “how is my friend? Will he be okay?”
“I have good news, and I have bad news,” said the doctor. “The good news is he’ll live. The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Ba dup dum.
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May 1st, 2008 at 9:53 am
Thank you for sparking the notion that I really need to talk with my loved ones about such things. I too have no desire to be “kept alive” just for the sake of consuming oxygen. You’d think it would occur to me that I should have that discussion, considering I had a serious car accident in the past — but I guess I always assumed my family would feel the same. I should tell them. Clearly. Passionately. Quickly.
Thanks Michelle. Sincerely.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I’ve thought about what my life would be like if I became paralyzed. My dreams would be crushed. I am still single so marriage would be out the question. Plus I wouldn’t be able to work and become a burden for my loved ones. That would be horrible.
That’s why whenever I am feeling like a hot shot all I have to do to feel humble again is see someone in a wheelchair. And thank God that I am not in their place.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
My brother and sister and I are all that are left from my immediate family. They both have further family, spouses, children, in-laws, but I don’t. Mom had talked with the 3 of us about her wishes, and a few years ago, when she was effectively gone, we made sure, took her off the breathing maching, and let her go.
My siblings know that’s my desire, too. They are my emergency contacts. But they each have others who will make that decision for them, so I will only be an interested party.
Dignity in death, then ashes, and memory. That’s a pretty good end, as far as I’m concerned.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Just so you know, Saqib, I’m actually ethically opposed to PAS (Physically Assisted Suicide). What I’m talking about here is ending up brain dead, in an unremitting coma. (And if you’d like to discuss PAS in more detail, I’m all for it!)
Even as we lose function, there is joy to be found in life. When one is young and healthy, any restriction seems like a horror, like something that would be to great a burden to bear.
But when you’re in that position, you realize that life is far sweeter than you thought. And even if you are incapable of doing as much as you were before, you are still capable of enjoying and achieving much.
Or more simply to counter your argument: Stephen Hawking. :)
Tom, you might also consider talking to your doctor and placing a file with them about your wishes. Around here they’re called POST forms–Physician Orders for Scope of Treatment. You can have them at any time.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:25 pm
My problem is with funerals. I usually will go to the wake, which I have less of a problem with. Funerals make me physically ill, and you can spot me at one because I’ll be the one with my eyes closed almost the entire time. If it’s family-related, I go; two family members have lost babies this year, and I went to those funerals. I also went to my best friend’s funeral after she was killed in a car accident, a pallbearer. But it was a struggle to stay in the church.
I’m not married, but I do have a health car directive, and my ex-wife is the person who has the power to make decisions, and we’ve dicussed in detail my wishes. The only thing I would add is to consider being an organ donor if you’re not one. I am, and again, my family is well aware of this.
By the way, my ex and I actually get along quite well these days, so yes, she’ll carry out my wishes. When we got over seeing 666 on each other’s foreheads, it made our dayghter quite happy, but she did say “I’m glad you guys are friends again. Just don’t ever get married again, ’cause you suck at being married.”
Smart-ass child.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Oh defintely suicide is out of the question. However there will be an initial bout of depression, due to reduce abilities. That will require help from loved ones or even professionals to overcome.
And if I some how ended up brain dead my family knows that I wouldn’t want anything standing in the way of my transition.