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Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bitch
An interesting conversation occurred recently on Twitter. I was joking about my bad attitude, and said, “My attitude stems from ‘you’re calling me a bitch like that’s a BAD thing.’”
I was surprised to learn there are still women for whom that word has a sting and a bite.
When I was in college, I read (in Cosmo of all places) an article on the word “bitch,” which pretty much said that men use it as a term to put uppity women in their place. You know, like when we’re being strong, and assertive, and standing up for ourselves.
That was the point when I decided that the word bitch would never bother me, because I wanted to be a strong woman.
Of course, I spent several years confused about the term “strong woman” and precisely what that meant, (Note to my college aged self: You’re doing it completely wrong.) but eventually I came to terms with what it meant to me to be a strong woman, and I’ve been working on it ever since.
A couple years after college I came upon Elizabeth Wurtzel’s book Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women (I’m amazed that the cover on the current version is toned done from the cover on the version I have, which I love. How did a book praising strong women get its cover toned down?), which reinforced that idea.
…I intend to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself: that is, quite simply, the bitch philosophy…
Here’s the thing, it’s not shocking for a man to believe and act in such a manner, but–even today–we’re still fighting over what feminism is or should be or who should make the sammich. (Every time I see one of the arguments I want to shut all participants in a very small, very dark basement, for a very long time.)
We can have all the debates about gender equality and sexism and male privilege we want, but it seems to me that as long as women are called bitches for saying what they think and for standing up for what they believe, it’s pretty clear what the state of things really is.
Misogyny still exists. Some of us still deal with it Every Single Day. And as long as it does I’ll willingly and proudly take the title of bitch. I will not sit down and shut up and be nice, just because that’s what society expects me to do.
I will laugh loudly. I will be brash and outspoken. I will tell you my opinion and you are free to debate me but you have to use rational arguments and logic. I will stand up tall and make my presence known and not stand in a corner waiting to be acknowledged.
I will continue be a bitch, and I’ll continue to proud to be called one.
April 25th, 2012 at 8:50 am
Great post.
I am brash and outspoken, passionate about my thoughts and feelings.
For me, anyway, what stings is the undercurrent of the word “bitch”: the idea that someone would want to cut me down and hurt me. I am sensitive to that stuff. Too sensitive. I let it bother me far too much.
I’m working on it. But man, is it ever hard.
April 25th, 2012 at 9:13 am
I’m not saying that I’m not hurt by things, because I am. (Oddly, I was thinking of adding this to the post but got too tired and posted as it was.)
But what hurts me is when people I thought I respected say hurtful things. Other people? It’s like when I was in 5th grade, and the “popular girls” would come up to me and say, “You’re WEIRD,” and I’d say, “Thank you!” Because it was–even if they didn’t mean it that way at first–a compliment to me.
Someone calls me a bitch, it’s really a compliment, because it means I’m being the person I want to be.
Doesn’t mean I’m spiteful or hateful or catty or nasty. It just means I’m going to say what I think and stand up for what I believe is right.
April 25th, 2012 at 10:23 am
I’m not convinced Cosmo has ever been a good guide for how men think; then again, I’m not sure I’m in a position to speak for men (I’m a bit of an odd duck, I recognize).
What I can say is that on the rare times I refer to a man or woman as being a bitch or bitchy, I’m not referencing their outspokenness or boldness, but usually a kind of narcissistic cruelty. E.g. if Sarah Palin is a bitch, it wouldn’t be because she is an outspoken and opinionated woman, it would be because she seems egregiously fond of stabbing onetime friends in the back and kicking them while they’re writhing around on the ground trying to reach around back to pull the blade out by the hilt, and she has a trail of such bodies stretching back to her early, local career in Wasilla.
I say a man or a woman, although I have to recognize that “bitch” seems a gender-specific word in much the same way “dick” or “prick” does. I might really be as likely to call a man a “bitch” as I’d be to call a woman a “dick”; this is no doubt a reflection of deeply ingrained cultural images, where calling a man a bitch also emasculates him.
Which gets to where I tend to avoid using “bitch” as a noun. It’s a word, I recognize, that has a complicated history and carries baggage. As a verb, it seems to keep a greater neutrality or general quality: “Jack and Diane were bitching about how life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone, again; I wish they’d find something else to whine about.”
A number of women have striven to “reclaim” the word or self-label with it. I don’t know if that’s misguided or not. On the one hand, and I think this is where I fall on the subject, there are men who take pride in their dickishness, and in some cases that can even be charming or admirable; I think a woman might well use bitchiness as a weapon and it might work for her. Of course (and maybe this goes without saying), a man who takes pride in his dickishness may just be an unlikeable asshole, and a woman may be running the same risk; and sometimes people who take pride in negative attributes are really just engaging in rationalization, you know? On the other hand, I wonder if some women trying to embrace a quote-unquote “bitchiness” are taking the Cosmo line too seriously, are taking the way a word might be used by a certain class of cretinous, sexist male and trying to generalize it in a way that will ultimately turn on them. Which isn’t so much of a good thing.
Complicating all of this is that for whatever reason, women don’t necessarily approach historically-male-dominated fields the same way men do, and sometimes take personally what men take impersonally. Men may call each other harsh names and may mean little or nothing by it: “George, you little shit, when are we having lunch again?” This may be indefensible on its face, actually: I’m not attempting to indulge a normative fallacy and say that because male interactions may retain a schoolyard mentality well into what ought to be maturity, this is how professional worlds should be. Perhaps if we were all nicer, we’d all get along better. But the point I’m getting at is that sometimes ostensibly sexist behavior may be little more than men inappropriately treating women like men, which is offered as an observation, not a justification; I also want to be crystal clear that I am not talking about actual sexism such as quid pro quo sexism, nor am I trying to defend hostile workplace environments–just because men may bust one another’s balls when it’s just men around doesn’t mean anyone ought to be acting that way ever, at all. Still, there’s a nuance there that sometimes seems missing from these kinds of discussions.
I’m always loathe to respond to these kinds of topics, but I’ll roll the dice and submit this one. But then I may go hide.
April 25th, 2012 at 11:44 am
NO Eric, you’re right in some ways, and I had that in the back of my mind when I was writing the post. There is a difference between being a bitch and being bitchy.
I have guy friends who call me bitch all the time and I’m totally OK with it, because I know they’re joking around with me. But being asked, “Why are you being such a BITCH?” is something else entirely, as is, “You’re such a fucking bitch,” etc.
I don’t have problems with guy friends treating me like one of the guys–in fact (if you hadn’t noticed) it amuses me. What I do have problems with are men who have proven themselves to be misogynists. You know, the ones who are pissed off because I can do something better than they can DESPITE THE FACT I HAVE A VAGINA.
And Eric? You can call me bitch any time you want. But I won’t be your bitch. Just to be clear. ;)
April 25th, 2012 at 11:48 am
I’m not attempting to indulge a normative fallacy and say that because male interactions may retain a schoolyard mentality well into what ought to be maturity, this is how professional worlds should be.
Actually, I’m tempted to argue that point with you. I don’t have problems with Exciting Language in the Workplace. But I expect my co-workers to know when it’s appropriate. Dropping an f-bomb in front of users/patrons/the innocent is never acceptable. But going into an office, banging your head against the wall and screaming “OMG! THAT USER IS SO FUCKING STUPID!” in order to keep yourself from jumping off the building is totally acceptable in my book.