Friday, October 12, 2012
Labile
labile
: readily or frequently changing: as
a : readily or continually undergoing chemical, physical, or biological change or breakdown
b : characterized by wide fluctuations (as in blood pressure or glucose tolerance)
c : emotionally unstable
And that pretty much sums up Michelle these days.
Over the course of the day I go from feeling like I can do anything to wondering why I bother because I fuck up everything I put my hands on.
Every day is like this: Up. Down. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
I’ve been through a fair amount of upheaval in the past several months, so–as usual–I am having a hard time separating what is from what should be.
I had two emergency dental appointments in an 8 day period of time for broken and cracked teeth, almost certainly because I have been gritting and grinding my teeth. And of course, broken teeth are–quite literally–one of my worst nightmares: the dreams from which I wake up in a cold sweat and am freaked out for hours afterwards.
(Yes, I have a mouth guard for sleeping. Yes, I am trying to be aware of when I grind and grit my teeth when I am awake.)
I’m trying to exercise regularly, and typically have a minimum of 10k steps–that’s five to six miles–a day because I know that exercise helps regulate my mood.
I get a massage every three weeks because I know that helps me deal with stress.
I’m eating well.
But still, the mood swings.
Yet, I’m functional. I go to work every day and do my job (a job which most of the time I enjoy). I do laundry and occasionally cook and bake and clean the house (which is normal).
So I am trying to figure out of these moods are coming from my brain trying to adjust to events from the summer or if something has changed in my brain chemistry and I’ve shifted from Dysthymia to Cyclothymic (Please, no.) and I have no answer. Or, maybe I’ve just become a psychological hypochondriac. Wouldn’t THAT be fun? (Next up: self diagnosis of schizophrenia followed by a self-diagnosis of borderline personality disorder! Wheeee!)
I’ve got more than a month until my next doctor appointment. I believe I should continue “Give it time,” and “Let things continue to settle out.” But a teeny voice in the back of my head wonders if this is going to be the start of a downward spiral.
I don’t know. I really don’t. All I can say is that I’m trying. Every day I get up and I keep going and try to take joy from everything around me and I think that should be ok for now.
October 12th, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Hugs and love to you, Michelle.
Kinda going through the same thing now. Prozac stopped working earlier this year, so my regular doctor put me on Zoloft. Unfortunately Zofoft made me so tired and groggy at a time when I had way too much to do that I just couldn’t deal with it, so I stopped taking it until the busy time stopped. (Yeah, yeah, I know.) My sleeping is all over the place and has been for way too long and I’m always bloody tired, so I’ve got an overnight sleep study coming up in a couple of weeks and can’t take the newly upped Prozac prescription (thank you, new psychiatrist!) until after the study (sleep specialist worries that SSRIs could affect the outcome of the test). And in the meantime my mood has been on a roller coaster (recent bad PMS didn’t help matters any, but awesome boyfriend has).
Keep on trying, Michelle. Sometimes it feels like “being functional” isn’t good enough, but it’s better than not being functional. And being functional can carry you until your appointment, until you and your doctor can figure out what’s going on and address it.
Until then (and even after then), know that you are loved and that you are supported and that we’re here for you.
October 12th, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Sorry your going through this, Michelle. And just like Carol said, we’re here for you.
That tiny voice in the back of your head, as I’m sure you know, is the depression. I also hear that voice. Hang in there. It the change of the season when your body also changes to adjust to the new weather and different light patterns.
For me, the fall usually brings recriminations of the past. Feeling embarrassed for things I thought or did long ago. While it happens year round, the fall brings it on almost three or four times a day.
October 15th, 2012 at 12:08 pm
I definitely agree that more time is needed and that the tiny voice is a liar.
I can’t stop you from thinking “yeah, but what if THIS time I should have listened?” but I can tell you that you are not the only one struggling with stress and mood swings. In fact, it’s nearly become the new normal. (Not the way you wanted to achieve normalcy, I’m sure ;)
Just keep swimming and know you’re not alone. As CE says, you are loved and supported. And remember, you deserve both, not because you strive to be an excellent human being (though you are), but because you are a human being.
Much love.