Friday, October 12, 2012
: readily or frequently changing: as
a : readily or continually undergoing chemical, physical, or biological change or breakdown
b : characterized by wide fluctuations (as in blood pressure or glucose tolerance)
c : emotionally unstable
And that pretty much sums up Michelle these days.
Over the course of the day I go from feeling like I can do anything to wondering why I bother because I fuck up everything I put my hands on.
Every day is like this: Up. Down. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
I’ve been through a fair amount of upheaval in the past several months, so–as usual–I am having a hard time separating what is from what should be.
I had two emergency dental appointments in an 8 day period of time for broken and cracked teeth, almost certainly because I have been gritting and grinding my teeth. And of course, broken teeth are–quite literally–one of my worst nightmares: the dreams from which I wake up in a cold sweat and am freaked out for hours afterwards.
(Yes, I have a mouth guard for sleeping. Yes, I am trying to be aware of when I grind and grit my teeth when I am awake.)
I’m trying to exercise regularly, and typically have a minimum of 10k steps–that’s five to six miles–a day because I know that exercise helps regulate my mood.
I get a massage every three weeks because I know that helps me deal with stress.
I’m eating well.
But still, the mood swings.
Yet, I’m functional. I go to work every day and do my job (a job which most of the time I enjoy). I do laundry and occasionally cook and bake and clean the house (which is normal).
So I am trying to figure out of these moods are coming from my brain trying to adjust to events from the summer or if something has changed in my brain chemistry and I’ve shifted from Dysthymia to Cyclothymic (Please, no.) and I have no answer. Or, maybe I’ve just become a psychological hypochondriac. Wouldn’t THAT be fun? (Next up: self diagnosis of schizophrenia followed by a self-diagnosis of borderline personality disorder! Wheeee!)
I’ve got more than a month until my next doctor appointment. I believe I should continue “Give it time,” and “Let things continue to settle out.” But a teeny voice in the back of my head wonders if this is going to be the start of a downward spiral.
I don’t know. I really don’t. All I can say is that I’m trying. Every day I get up and I keep going and try to take joy from everything around me and I think that should be ok for now.