Went back to the gym today after more than a week off. Discovered I gained three pounds on vacation. This isn’t surprising, considering how much we ate, and how many days we had of doing next to nothing.

However, I mention this fact because it brought to mind the fact that I have no body image.

Seriously.

120 and 155 all look the same to me, and the only difference is how my clothes fit. So I have almost no gauge as to how I look. Doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to figure it out, however, looking in the mirror only causes me to look for flaws (thus we don’t have a full length mirror in the house).

The scale is also a problem, which is why I don’t have one in the house, and why I try to step on the scale only a couple times a week at the gym. Because lacking a body image, the only thing I really have to go by are the numbers on the scale, and those aren’t exceedingly reliable (water retention anyone?)

So how does some one develop a realistic body image? How do I learn what the numbers on the scale really mean? I know that my BMI is perfectly normal, but again, what does that mean? How do I learn to see myself as others see me? Is there even such a thing as an objective opinion on weight and body size?

The rational part of my brain goes, “this is unimportant and doesn’t matter in the slightest,” however, the OCD part of my brain grasps onto those numbers and wants to know what they truly mean. The rational part of my brain goes, “it doesn’t matter, stop thinking about it,” while the OCD part of my brain goes, “think of all those horribly dressed college students you see throughout the day. You don’t want to end up like THAT do you?” (Like that I mean dressing in a completely unflattering matter. So many females would be gorgeous if they dressed in something other than the “current styles.”)

So how do I learn these things? How do I internalize something that is completely external?

(And the first person to tell me “you look fine,” gets a smack. That’s not what this post is about.)

Well, it’s Sunday night (you didn’t really think I wrote all those 8:00 AM posts that early did you?!) and I’m still tired and cranky.

Despite a long nap on Saturday and sleeping in on Sunday.

Not sure what this means for work on Monday (or today when you’re reading this) but I doubt it’s good. if it wasn’t so hot I’d go make some cookies, but it’s almost 9:00 PM and it’s 79 F outside, which means it’s really too hot to turn on the oven. I spent all summer looking at countertop toaster/convection ovens, and think I’d really like one, but we spent enough this summer that I couldn’t justify the expense.

But I think I will get one before next summer, because it would be really nice to be able to make a single batch of cookies without heating up the entire house. Especially since I tend to keep frozen cookie dough balls in the freezer. So if anyone has one or has any recommendations, let me know.

Now I think I’m going to curl up and think of all the chocolate baked desserts I’m going to make once it gets cooler.

(Under the cut, because Imeem seems to delay page loading.)

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We apologize, but we are unable to entertain you today.

Please accept one of the following excuses:

I am unable to be entertaining because the cat ate my mouse.
I am unable to be entertaining because 12 pounds of cat is demanding my attention.
I am unable to be entertaining because the cat got behind my computer and pulled out all the plugs.
I am unable to be entertaining because I cannot see my computer screen.

Once you have selected your desired excuse, please move into the lounge and relax until entertainment returns.

Sorry, but twice in one week I’ve got nothing for you.

It’s been a long two weeks at work, I’m still a bit freaked out after my encounter with 27″ TV Guy, and today was the last weekend before students come back, so we did a lot of stocking up ($400 split between cleaning supplies and sundries at Target and groceries at Giant Eagle kind of stocking up.) Add running Grandmom around to that, and the laundry that needs done, and I’m burnt out.

My creative engines are out of gas.

In the meantime, I’ll steal a page from Janiece and MWT and Eric and let you ask me questions if you so desire. Ask anything you want, but realize you’ll only be getting PG-13 answers. :)

So what did I do this weekend? Slept in (both days) went to the movies, went grocery shopping, cleaned house, did the laundry, and read some books.

So why am I still tired?

Because I need a break is why. It’s been too long since I’ve had a real vacation, and I’ve got another month before I get to take one. (But that’s all! Ack! One month! Janiece and Anne, are we still on for getting together? [Great, now I'm more tired thinking about everything I need to do.]) Yes, Michael and I took Wednesday afternoon off, but it’s reached the point where I need more than an afternoon off and a weekend (which still contains chores and such.)

Why is down time such a difficult thing? I know I need to take it. I know that when I don’t take it I start to lose control of my mental health. Yet I can’t stop thinking about all the things I need to be doing and should be doing.

I think I really just need an off switch for my brain.

While I am amused by the “Things that Irk Me” Lists and understand how cathartic they can be, it’s not safe for me to think about things that either make me sad or make me angry, as I don’t need to make myself more sad or angry than I already am.

So instead, you get a list of things that make me happy. Because everyone needs more happy. Especially me.

So some things that make me happy are:

My cat being cute. He has a bad attitude most of the time, so when he does something cute I can’t help but smile.

Snow. I love new fallen snow. I love how it covers everything. I love seeing an expanse of new fallen snow on a moonlit night. Could there be anything more beautiful in nature?

New books by my favorite authors. Not just any author, but those who time and again have drawn me into their worlds away from y own. I love a new adventure with characters as familiar as old friends.

My garden. Yes, I could have done many things better, and am always considering possible improvements, but I love looking around and seeing the fruits of my labors blooming from spring to fall.

Flowers. Not just the flowers in my garden, but almost any flower. I love looking at them, I love smelling them (except lilies, they give me a headache), I love sending them to people I love to brighten their day. It’s hard to be gloomy in a room that has a vase of flowers.

Chocolate. Good chocolate. I love the sensation of taking a bite of dark chocolate and having it melt on my tongue. I love the crunch of nuts in brownies and moist chocolate cookies. I love the icy chill of chocolate ice cream.

Teaching. Not the whole process, because that is sometimes frustrating, but I love the moment when I am teaching someone and they suddenly get it. I love to hear people gasp and go, “you can do that?” I love it when people walk away from me knowing more than they knew before, and knowing something that will make their lives better, if only in a little tiny way.

My husband. :) Not because he gives me gifts (lets not even discuss his ability to find gifts). Not because he gives me flowers (he doesn’t). Not even because he allows me to be myself, (though that is a very good thing). What makes me happy is that he is my center and my sanity he contains the things missing from me and makes me into a whole person. A whole and sane person.

Apparently, malaise is contagious over the Internet.

I’m going to take a lunchtime walk, and hopefully that’ll make me feel better.

ADDENDUM the First:
Now I’m shifting from cranky to pissed off.

You may possibly wonder why someone who is 38 celebrates her birthday (and Christmas) as if she was in elementary school. I mean, birthdays are just marking one year older, right? What’s there to get excited about?

Well, there are two reasons behind it.

First, as many of you know, I have suffered from depression since I was sixteen.

Second, my grandfather died days before my fifth birthday.

I know. Michelle, you’re thinking, that’s really depressing. Are you trying to relive your childhood or something to make up for past misery?

As amusing as that idea may be, no. See, it’s like this. After my grandfather died, my family made sure that his funeral would not be on my birthday. My memories of my 5th birthday are that I got an InchWorm and had a Holy Hobby ice cream cake. In retrospect I can see in my memories that people didn’t seem as happy as they usually were, but it was my day, and I had a great new toy (I have *no* idea how my parents got the inchworm from Baltimore to Morgantown, with a 5 year old, a new born, and a dachshund in the back of a Volkswagen bug, but that’s a subject for another time.). The point is that despite everyone’s misery, they made a point to let me have a happy birthday.

What I have learned from this, as I’ve grown older, is you have to take joy wherever you find it. Little things or big things it doesn’t matter. From checking the mail to new flowers to growing a year older, there are always things to enjoy, if I only stop and think about them.

Yeah, some days it’s hard. But the thing is that happiness can be a routine just like anything else. Even on days I’m feeling bad, I can feel my spirits lift, even if it’s just a little, as I go to the mailbox. Because until I open the mailbox and sort through the mail, anything could be there. A check, a new magazine to read, a letter. So how can I not be happy at the possibility of something good awaiting me? And if it’s a bill? I can be happy that we have enough money to pay our bills and live without worry.

Is this a foolish way to live? Perhaps. But I think it’s better than the alternative.

So if you feel up to it, do a little happy dance for me today. Just a small one. And if you make someone else smile, then you’re doubling the amount happiness in the world, even if just for a few moments.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to get many good pictures of the flowers currently in bloom.

Part of that is because it’s been raining so much, but another part is that masses of flowers seem harder for me to photograph than a single flower.

Ah well.

(more…)

I’m still feeling moderately crappy, so I decided it was time to pull out the big guns.

I picked up fresh organic strawberries today, I have whipping cream, and I just prepared (minus the baking) molten lava chocolate cakes.
(more…)

(skulks into office)

(closes and locks door)

(slouches down in chair)

ADDENDUM the First:
Michael and I are going out to lunch, and then we aren’t coming back.

Hopefully a long lunch, perhaps a drink or too, and then maybe browsing the bookstore or else sitting on the front porch reading will do the trick.

ADDENDUM the Second:
Went out to lunch and had a foofy drink (something coconut flavored and with fruit) and my favorite lunch (pecan crusted chicken salad with dried cranberries. Yum!) had chocolatey dessert, went and bought some good chocolate at Slight Indulgence, and came home to discover that the third (of three) Serenity comic was here.

So I’ve been sitting on the deck reading since I got home.

I still may need more chocolate, but I am much better than I was earlier. Thanks for all your suggestions.

Now I believe I have some more reading to do. And some double chocolate cookies to eat.

I’m now tired and cranky.

(stomps off)

Beware: I am in an extremely cranky mood.

So don’t look at me funny or I’ll snap.

To answer the question that wasn’t quite asked…
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Elephant cam! This is the best thing I’ve seen all day. Elephants are the coolest animals ever.

Users rebel against Windows Vista. Well, duh. Vista sucks, that’s why. Here’s the petition.

Think Geek office products. I particularly like the paper e-mail, mostly because I think there’s a memo pad floating around here somewhere.

And not fun but interesting just the same: “Mental illnesses once thought to be the result of neurological or psychological defects may be caused by viral or microbial infections.” As someone who suffers from depression, OCD, and anxiety, I’m not sure if this makes me feel better or worse.

I’ve finally been able to get up early to spend time writing first thing in the morning. I think the new alarm clock helps–the gradual light wakes me up gently, which is really nice.

Yesterday I didn’t even try to work on my story. This morning I got a couple paragraphs written. Not fantastic, but it’s a start. I think the biggest problem is that I’ve reached the point where specific things need to happen, so I have to work those specific things in, instead of just letting the story unfold as I have been.

But mostly it’s good to be up early and writing, even if only a little.

We’ve ordered a bunch of new toys recently, for a variety reasons.

First up, we got pedometers. I chose the Omron HJ-112 Digital Premium Pedometer, because not only do they count steps, but they also calculate the number of miles you walked and the number of calories you burn. It also can calculate aerobic steps versus regular steps. Right now I have 10962 steps, which it calculates as 5.19 miles, but this is actually low, since my stride when I walk for exercise is slower than my casual stride. But since I know I walk approximately a 15 minute mile, I can just calculate that separately. It also tells me I’ve burned 361 kcals, but that just seems depressing.

AMENDUM the First:
One problem with it. To keep it from counting moving around, it doesn’t start counting until you’ve been walking for four seconds. This means that few of the steps I took today while teaching counted, since most of them were walking back and forth between the computer and the screen. So on my feet for two hours, but only a couple hundred steps.

But I can live with that.

I also ordered two Energy Saving Smart Strips With Autoswitching Technology. What the heck does that mean? It means that we can plug the computer into the control plug, the plug all the peripherals into other plugs, and when we turn off the computer, the other plugs for the monitor, scanner, etc have their power cut, so they don’t use energy. We’re thinking about getting one for the TV, but are not sure if that’ll cause problems for my grandmother. (i.e. will remotes etc work?)

And although it hasn’t arrived yet, I have great hopes for the Bio-Brite SunRise Digital Alarm Clock Dawn / Dusk Simulator Clock with White Noise. I believe I complained to great extent last much about how much I hate daylight savings time. The biggest problem for me is that I have great difficulty getting up when it’s dark. It just seems terribly wrong somehow. (I also don’t sleep well when it’s light, which is why the bedroom window facing the road has a blackout shade.) My hope is that this will allow me to get up earlier in the morning. Not just because relaxing mornings are nice, but because the morning is the best time for me to write, so I have written nothing on my novel/story/whatever since Christmas. We’ll see what happens, but keep your fingers crossed for me.

So I’ve been vindicated!

Not only are flowers pretty and pleasant smelling, but they may also boost your mood!

So I have been justified in buying flowers all winter long! And in all the time and money I spend for my garden! Yippee!

Now if only my flowers were ready to bloom…

I’m having a crappy day. So here’s some old flower pr0n.

Unfortunately, that rose bush died last summer, but I did plant a nice rhododendron to take it’s place.

I just have to remind myself that in a few weeks the first of my flowers will start blooming, and this year I’m going to start taking pictures again. I bought a small tripod last year, but was too depressed to try it out. This year, I’m going to take LOTS of flower pr0n. Why? Because it’s fun.

It’s 37 degrees outside and has been raining all day.

We’d planned to go see the Arianna Huffington talk tonight, but it’s so crudy I don’t want to leave the house.

I could hope that it clears up, but it looks like we’re going to have crappy whether when we drive to Parkersburg tomorrow to visit my brother & his wife.

Maybe I’ll go crawl into bed with a book and pull the covers over my head and just ignore the weather.

And speaking of being blue…

I had my last happy doctor appointment this week. The guy who I was seeing is graduating in June, and is moving onto another rotation, and we talked and decided that really I’ve been handling things well since November, but have been too nervous about things going on in my life to go without training wheels, so to speak.

But although I have been down, it’s really to be expected, considering the death and illness I have been surrounded by for the past several months. And I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, to deal with the stress.

Basically, I just have to work through what’s been happening in it’s own time. The meds are taking the edge off, and allowing me the peace of mind to deal with the stress, so I’m not going over the edge. I have all the tools I need to get through this, I just have to be patient and work through everything.

So if I’m a little more down than usual, I’m allowed to be. Because I know that I’m going to come out the other side okay.

Because I know you were dying to know, I ended up getting 16 hours of sleep between Friday evening and Saturday evening. And 9 hours of sleep last night.

Now I feel like I’ll be wound up for the rest of my natural life.

But on the bright side, I don’t have the cold Michael came down with. I have, however, washed my hands seemingly continually since he started to get sick.

Also, I hadn’t mentioned in awhile that I’ve read quite a few books recently, so there are that many reviews up. Read both good mysteries and good supernatural fantasy. Which means that I’m trying to figure out what I want to read next, while the sequels to the books I read ship from Amazon. (Damn Amazon for it’s 4-for-3 sales!)

I’ve known for years that my depression is affected by the amount of sleep I get on a regular basis. And so I’ve been very careful to always get plenty of sleep–this week no exception.

However, apparently when one is under stress, “regular” amounts of sleep (about 7 to 7 1/2 hours for me) aren’t enough.

Yesterday we went to the gym after work, came home and ate dinner, and then after dinner I stretched out on the sofa to read. And immediately fell asleep. And slept until Michael woke me up to go to bed, where I slept for nine hours more.

That is a lot of sleeping, especially for someone who tries to get plenty of sleep on a normal basis.

So there you are. When you’re under stress, 7 to 8 hours of sleep may well not be enough.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to eat breakfast and run to the grocery store.

And then maybe come home for a nap.

There’s nothing like a little upbeat music to make things better. Of course people have different ideas of upbeat. My upbeat tends to be a bit on the angry side..

(more…)

Small update.

I talked to my happy doctor yesterday, and the conclusion is that my mood is a reasonable reaction to the events in my life, and not backsliding into depression.

So yay. I think.

However, last night I was told that my other grandmother’s health has taken a turn for the worse. I haven’t gotten much in the way of details, but it does seem serious. So that’s not so good.

Plus?

I have to go to the dentist this morning and get a filling replaced.

Happy Wednesday!

Feel free to share dental horror stories here, to make me feel better about my own trials and tribulations. Winner gets one of the cookies I made Monday.*

*You have to come to my house to pick up the cookie.

ADDENDUM the First:
Back from the dentist. If not for the fact that half of my entire freaking head is number from the damned Novicane (I think the dentist really likes Novicane entirely too much), it wasn’t too bad.

Except for the fact I can’t actually eat lunch now, because I can’t feel my mouth, and don’t need to get food and drool all over myself.