Random (but not really)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Damned Depression

So.

For the third time in a year (ie 12 month period, not since Jan 1 of this year) I’ve maxed out the anti-depressant I’m on.

Doc gave me a choice of holding where I am, switching meds, or adding a second med to the mix.

I talked about the fact that I feel as if most of this is external (as opposed to just my brain giving me a hard time) and said I thought I’d like to hold where I am for a bit, to see if the veritable shit storms taper off.

So that’s where I am. Still in a holding pattern. You probably noticed that from the fact I’ve hardly had the gumption to write much for about the past year, but on the bright side, I am holding on, and maintaining altitude is better than crash and burn.

So now you know what’s up, and I appreciate your continued patience with me.

Written by Michelle at 6:27 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Friday, October 2, 2009

Damned Depression/Anxiety/OCD

So. Here we are once again. Face to face with the ugly truth that I’m just not doing as well as I should be.

Why haven’t I been talking about it? Honestly, because I’m reaching the point where I’m starting to feel whiny about it. I should be better, but I’m not. I feel like everyone else should be as tired of this bullshit as I am–so I don’t want to write about it.

I know things are bad because I pretty much spent the month of September sick. Thing about mental health is it affects your physical health, and that’s a vicious little circle, because who feels well mentally when they’ve been sick? And of course it’s hard to exercise when when you’re sick, which creates yet another negative feedback look.

So, no fun there.

Add to that, I keep getting stuck in ruts somewhat of my own demise–computer games (the few I do play) are a nasty suck for me, and it’s been bad recently (I can play solitaire for hours and hours, but I recently added Bejeweled into the mix. Great idea that.) That makes things worse, since I’m then frustrated that I’m not doing things like baking or reading or cleaning the house or… well, just about anything besides playing the damned games.

Additionally, work has been incredibly stressful since May. I kept hoping that as the major project wound down things would get better, but the project seemed to go on forever, and other things kept (and keep) cropping up to exacerbate the situation. I’m doing what I can, but unfortunately, much of this situation is out of my control. But I’m trying to change the things that are under my control, so we’ll see how that goes.

And trying to post here has been unusually difficult. I’ve been keeping this blog (in various incarnations) since 2002, and although I go through phases where I have a hard time writing, it feels like I’ve been struggling since summer. Which is too damned long.

What have I been doing about it? First, my doc and I have been changing my meds around. I’m on Zoloft now, and we just increased the dosage. Again. And I’ve still got room to go up again if this doesn’t do it. I’m finally getting back to the gym (of course yesterday was a no go, because of the game, but at least I walked home).

Am I going to give up writing here? Hell no. This started solely as a writing exercise for me, and I’m not going to give up on it. Will posts continue to suck in the interim? Almost certainly. I just ask that you bear with me, and if you have ideas for posts you’d like me to write, please send them along. I need all the inspiration I can get.

So that’s where things are right now. I’m holding, but hope to get things off the ground soon.

Written by Michelle at 6:00 am    

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Categories: Depression  

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Once More

So… another doctor’s appointment, another medication.

The depression has been okay recently, but the OCD and anxiety not to much. And I’ve been terribly achey for the past month or so, which is not doing much for the anxiety and my ability to relax. SSRIs give me TMJ, but right now all my muscles are tense and unable to relax, which is uncomfortable and unhelpful.

Work has been crushingly busy, and although aspects of it are frustrating, I do really enjoy what I do. My only problem is that although I am good at being a people person, it’s very difficult for me. And exhausting. Especially when dealing with unhappy or frustrated people. And I got a fair amount of those this week. So I’ve been exhausted by the time I get home. Not depressed per se–not really–but unable to do little more than collapse on the sofa when I get home.

But on the bright side, I’m getting lots of exercise, and exercise is good for my depression!

So that’s where I am. Tapering off one med and onto another. We’ll see how this one goes.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Written by Michelle at 11:03 am    

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Categories: Depression  

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hurm

So it dawned on my today that one of the reasons I’m feeling not so hot is that I’m almost certainly having side effects from the anti-depressant. Specifically, muscle aches.

For the past month–despite the fact I stretch for 10 to 15 minutes after I exercise (I highly recommend it–it’s the wind down portion of my day), my muscles have tight and tense and sore. Not an in-your-face kinda sore, more like a general uncomfortableness, especially in my legs and back.

Essentially, my muscles feel like they won’t relax at all.

So, when I go back to the happy doctor, I think I’m going to request yet another medication switch. Because I have a feeling my exhaustion may be tied into this, since I’m probably not sleeping as well as I could be.

So humph. But it could always be worse.

Written by Michelle at 8:21 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

State of Michelle

Realized I haven’t made a depression update in awhile.

Mostly because there hasn’t been much to update. I’m in a holding pattern, and trying to decide whether I need to increase the dosage of my medicine or not.

I’ve been extremely tired recently, but then I’ve also been extremely busy at work. The work busy is a good thing (and kinda fun I have to admit), but exhausting, so it’s hard to tell precisely where my head is right now. Unfortunately, work isn’t going to slow down much at all for awhile, so I’m going to have to take all this into consideration as I try and determine how I’m really feeling.

Doc gave me a prescription to up my dosage if I felt I needed it, but I’m going to have a hard time separating out exhaustion from depression. Though I did get a lot of sleep this weekend (naps even!) which was very nice. Not sure what that says though.

On the bright side, I haven’t had any really dark days. Of course, I’ve been so tired I’m not sure I would have noticed.

So that’s where I am right now. Holding pattern. No better, but no worse either, so I can live with that.

Written by Michelle at 9:46 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Saturday, May 16, 2009

And a Darkness Did Descend Upon Them

Thursday night was dark.

I don’t mean it was rainy or overcast, I mean that I was dark.

It was an extremely strange feeling–one I hadn’t felt since my dissolute and wild college days.

By the time we got home from the gym, Michael and I were both exhausted and neither of us wanted to make dinner, so we convinced Grandmom to go out to eat. We eventually ended up going to IHOP, and it was there that the darkness fell.

Mind you, the IHOP is relatively new and in good shape, so what I felt was not a reaction to my surroundings.

As I sat there, I felt a despair fall over me, as if a piece of the Snow Queen’s mirror had fallen into my eyes, and like Kay, wherever I looked I saw ugliness and hopelessness.

A grandmother walked by with her grandson, and all I could see was how wrinkled her clothes were–as if she was trying to look nice but had fallen short and instead looked simply worn and tired.

The girl in the booth across from us was heavy, and all I could notice was that her shirt had ridden up in the back, and a roll of pale fat was bubbling over the top of her jeans. Her companion was scrawny and his pants were falling off. His hair was greasy, his face unshaven, and he spent more on his ball cap–cocked at an asinine angle–than he did on any part of his wardrobe, including his ratty shoes.

A mother walked by with her kids, and all looked dirty–not filthy dirty from playing outside, but as if a dust had fallen upon them, turning everything slightly gray.

A group of teenage girls walked by to their table, and all I could see was over treated hair, too much makeup, and faces that would too soon lined with cares and worries for their futures at that moment were not bright and hopefully, but instead the struggle of living on the edge with too many kids too young and not enough education to pull them out of the hole.

The life and hope and joy were drained out of everything I could see, from the ripped number on our booth, to the dead leaves and branches on the trees outside.

It was all I could do to continue to sit at the table, to try and choke down my meal.

Thank the gods the despair lifted and today was a relatively good day.

But the darkness still lurks, just out of the corner of my eye, waiting for a moment of weakness to surge back and lead me to despair.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

I will fear no evil.
I will fear no evil.
I will fear no evil.

Written by Michelle at 8:00 am    

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Categories: Depression  

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ups and Downs

Just a small update on how things are going.

They’re going.

I don’t feel as bad as I felt for the past couple months, but I also don’t feel over this latest bout of depression.

It’s easier to laugh at things (primarily myself and my own mistakes) but I don’t really feel a lot of joy in the little things they way I used to.

I’m still tired, and still pretty damned anti-social, and still don’t feel up to dealing with stressful situations or difficult people, but I am managing both.

Mostly the depression is still manifesting in a lack of interest in doing anything, and a wish I could hide in the house and not have to talk to anyone for a week or two or more. Or do much of anything really. You’ll notice that it took a month but I finally made a new poll, and also changed the countdown. It’s the lack of interest in the little things that lets me know things still aren’t great. I even have a new design for my main page I want to roll out, but can’t get the gumption to finish it.

But depression is like that sometimes.

Just have to see where things go from here.

Written by Michelle at 9:33 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Once More with Feeling…

Went to the doc today, and got two new prescriptions.

One is for an SSRI I’ve been on before. The other is for an older anti-depressant that I am to take a small dose of before bed, to see if sleeping better also makes me feel better.

All I can say is this couldn’t come soon enough, because I am really damned tired of being irritable and depressed.

Written by Michelle at 8:01 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just to Clarify

No, I’m not mad at you. Unless you’re GW Bush or Dick Cheney, in which case I’ve still got some residual hostility, so you should probably stay away.

I am, however, still feeling crappy and brain dead and the depression decided to add a good dose of paranoid to the mix, so I’m pretty much not commenting much right now, because everything I say sounds wrong or mean or just plain horrible. So I’m not dissing your site, I just don’t have anything coherent to say.

I’m extremely tired of this stupid crap my brain is pulling on me.

I hate the fact that guilt is the determining factor for my getting out of bed and eating lunch and doing just about anything right now. People depend upon me, so that gets me out of bed and to work and through the day.

But I know–I remember–that there can be more to life that acting simply to stave off guilt.

Anyway, what do you feel guilty about? Anyone care to out petty me?

Written by Michelle at 9:31 pm    

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Categories: Depression  

Monday, April 13, 2009

Still Struggling

I’m currently at the point where it feels like every day is a struggle.

Saturday night I didn’t even want to get off the sofa to shower and go to bed–and a hot shower is usually my favorite point of the day. I’ve got a week and a half till I go back to the doc and can hopefully get my meds changed.

Wish it was this week, because I am really sick and tired of being cranky and irritable and miserable and incoherent and just plain depressed.

To add insult to injury, Grandmom keeps thinking I’m mad at her, because I’m not talkative. It’s almost enough to make me want to take up residence in the basement, just so I’m not reminded of how badly I’m failing to deal with this damned bout of depression.

But it’s the start of another week, and I will keep plodding, knowing that at some point I get to switch from existing to truly living.

That day cannot come soon enough.

I’ll keep posting throughout the week, but don’t expect brilliance or anything. At the very least I’ll try to post pictures.

Or if you’re really unlucky, I’ll post code.

Written by Michelle at 8:00 am    

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Categories: Depression,Family  

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