I came across an article discussing at the results of a study of antidepressants.

The study found that the anti-depressant Paxil (and in theory all SSRIs) do more than alleviate the patient’s depression, it found that the anti-depressant actually changed the personality of those taking the drug.

In the study, people who took Paxil (paroxetine), a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), had a drop in neuroticism, which is a tendency toward emotional instability and negative mood. They also had an increase in extraversion, which is a tendency toward outgoingness, compared to similarly depressed people taking placebo.

As someone who takes anti-depressants, am I unsure how I feel about this.

The drugs I am changing may well be changing my entire personality, and not just alleviating my depression? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Part of me is disturbed by the idea of a personality change, but the greater part of me enjoys being more outgoing, and I definitely prefer being emotionally stable to the alternative. (I’m prone to mood swings anyway, and if they annoy me, I’m sure they’re far worse for those around me.)

So emotional stability is a good thing, and for me, an increase in extroversion is a good thing. But is it possible someone could decide that introversion itself is something that should be treated? Would it be acceptable to treat someone with an SSRI because they are introverted, even if they aren’t depressed? Would an SSRI even affect the introversion of someone who was not depressed?

As usual, I have no answers, only more questions. But for me, I’m pleased with the effect that the anti-depressant I am taking has upon both my mood and personality, so I’ll take that as a good thing.

The title pretty much says it all.

I’m having ups and downs right now, which is good and bad. Nice to have ups, but it makes the crashes harder to deal with when they come. I’m still easily distracted, but I feel like I’m capable of writing coherent sentences if I put my mind to it.

The extra bad TMJ and headache seem to have been a temporary glitch–thank goodness. But I’m still tired, and having trouble with motivation. My OCD is still bad, and I’ve got an unpleasantly high level of paranoia going. And evenings, unless I’m completely distracted, have been rough.

But I’m getting through the days, and sometimes I don’t mind so much being in my own skin.

It was in some ways a painfully long weekend, and in other ways the weekend was entirely too short.

I’m still having issues with my depression. Destroying my cell phone on Saturday didn’t help matters, not did having to plunk down $400 to replace it. But. That’s why we have savings–so when things break (for whatever reason) they can be replaced. So it’s just no new computer for me anytime soon.

The depression was incredibly frustrating. Just one of those days where I can’t stand being inside my own skin, and nothing I did really allowed me to escape myself, although I did managed to distract myself.

I kept busy by doing a fair amount of web design over the weekend, rebuilding the WordPress template for my book blog and then recreating the same style for the book pages of my website. I’m overdue a rebuild of my main page, but I don’t have a clue what I want to do with it, and abandoning the color scheme means having to create a new set of images. Since I’ve got probably 30 or so images that randomly appear, that idea is rather unappealing right now.

Speaking of images, I test drove Adobe Elements over the weekend. I have Photoshop at work, but there is no way I am going to pay that much money for a software package, and I’m one of those weirdos that refuses to pirate software or music, to Elements seemed the logical choice.

Having played with it, it seems precisely what I need, so at some point I’m going to have to cough up the money for that. But it’ll be worth it, because it’ll be nice to do image work at home (and goodbye to Corel Photopaint 10).

The predicted storms never came, so Saturday afternoon was sunny, as was today, so I got to get out and enjoy the flowers, just a little bit. And posted the requisite Sunday Flower Pr0n.

I also finally finished my review for A Short History of Myth.

Here’s to hoping this week goes smoothly.

And I wasn’t even at work until today!

I’ve taken a mini vacation from work to try and get myself together. Didn’t go anywhere, and the strenuous activities were cleaning out the fridge/freezer/cabinets and dropping of donations to Christian Help and getting rid of the recycling.

Mostly, I read. (I’d wanted to go to the arboretum and maybe take pictures, but until late this afternoon, the weather was abysmal.)

Yet I’m still tired.

My goal was to see how I felt at the end of this vacation, and then decide from there if I was going to call the doctor about increasing the dosage on my anti-depressant. I think the answer I’ve gotten is that although I’m better, I’m still not what I’d consider good, so it looks like I need to make a phone call.

It’s a hard decision to make, even though it shouldn’t be, because no matter what I know rationally, it still feels like a personal failure, being unable to get myself out of this on my own.

It’s stupid that the brain and the gut can disagree so soundly. Especially when both are at fault in failing to properly regulate my serotonin levels. :)

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been having issues with my depression recently. This isn’t a new thing–I’ve been dealing with it since I was sixteen–but events over the past several months have conspired to push my mood further and further out of my control.

I’ve been trying to do everything I’m supposed to, and met with only limited success. I think I’ve plateaued (Wait. Does plateau refer only to an upward rise or does it also count in downward spirals? Nevermind. You know what I mean.)

What does this mean? It means I have very little patience, very little tolerance, and everything frustrates me. My home situation makes this a serious problem as I’m not discussing my problems with my grandmother, because she will immediately assume she is the cause of those problems, and then she’ll get upset and feel extremely guilty, and then I’LL feel even more guilty and feel worse…. and you can see where this is going.

Why I’m bringing this up is because Grandmom is now in Virginia spending a week and a half with my aunt. What I am hoping is this will give me some true downtime to try and get myself back together, and start the long haul back up to normalcy.

Where I’m having difficulty is that I keep debating whether I should ask my doctor to increase my prescription. Yes, I’ve been under a lot of stress, and that stress is receding, so in theory I may be able to climb out myself. On the other hand, I may simply be making things harder for myself by thinking I can do it all myself.

Tough call.

Starting Friday I’m taking three days off work for a mini vacation. I’m going to get a massage and pamper myself on Friday. Probably go out to dinner and maybe even lunch. (Drinks are a toss-up. Alcohol and I are not best friends when I’m depressed, so I try and avoid it to avoid the stupidity that goes along with it. But it is relaxing in extremely small amounts.)

Do I need anything? No. I just want to share this because it’s what’s going on in my life, and as I said when I started writing about depression, until we can be honest about mental illness and our issues with it, those of us who suffer will continue to feel stigmatized.

It shouldn’t happen, but it does.

So I like to speak up, because there are still many people who can’t talk about their mental health problems, because their employers and family or friends wouldn’t understand.

I don’t think my situation is unique or special. I just hope that by talking about my problems, perhaps I can convince just one person to see mental health as something to be treated the way we treat diabetes or high blood pressure, not a personal failing.

Because let me tell you, it feel like a personal failing from the inside, so the last thing we need are people on the outside reinforcing that idea.

This wasn’t supposed to be a tirade. I don’t really need to gather any excess anger or indignation. I just like to occasionally explain the world from my point of view.