Unfortunately, Wendy was eaten by a shark while we were in the Museum of Natural History. Sorry Dr. Phil.

The only down side was we had issues with out flights coming and going, both of which had us spending more time in Charlotte NC than we had any desire to do so. I mean, it’s a nice enough airport and all, but not where we wanted to be.

OK, also Michael’s phone seems to have broken himself. So now he has to decide what he wants to do. I’m recommending sending the thing back (it’s still under warranty) and getting a new phone, and selling whatever they send him as a replacement. Personally, I may try and talk him into a Blackberry, since I think it’s the best phone for what he does.

But we’ll see what happens.

Meanwhile, I’m still getting my photos from the Denver trip together–probably finish sorting through them this weekend, since I’m still a little sleepy from the flight back on Tuesday/Wednesday.

So thank you again to Janiece and Anne for hosting us. Can’t wait till we can all get together again!

Wish us luck!

I made pizza, and received assistance in decorating the pizza; then we had oreos for dessert. Mmmm! (Yes, you should be jealous.)

Also, neurondoc’s daughter is apparently part bumblebee, and is very fond of pollen.

My assistant and I made pizza.

Me and neurondoc.

AND I even got LOOT! Yummy chocolate LOOT!

And just for Nathan…

Yup. She got me bacon chocolate! Now I shan’t be eating this as bacon isn’t in my dietary repertoire, but I am very tempted to save it just for Nathan!

So what is this secret organization I have been involved in?

We are a government funded organization created to promote the anti-anti-LHC agenda. Or so say the insane psychopaths at the LHC “facts” website. Unfortunately, I only recently discovered that we’re government funded, and am going to have to talk to Nathan (our fearless leader) about back pay. (You hear that Nathan? Gimme my money or I’m coming after your toaster!)

You see, all that stuff about Sophie from Shinola, Not-Sophie, International Hijack Day, Charlotte Misner, and even Tasty Tuesday are just a front.

So how did the UCF start? It was a dark and stormy night…

I was sitting at Starbucks minding my own business when he sat down across from me. Despite the dark glasses and cheap suit, the mustache was a give away.

“You?!” I gasped in surprise, “What are you doing here? Isn’t this a little bit off the beaten path for you?” I closed my laptop before he could get a good look a the screen.

“Listen,” he said, “I don’t have much time, but I want you back in the game. No recriminations, no second guessing, the past is the past.”

“Right,” I said, leaning back in my chair, “I saw what you had done to Eric after the ‘toaster incident.’ I’m not foolish enough to fall for your bullshit again.”

“No, really. We’re on the up and up this time!” He lowered his voice and looked around guiltily. “The incident with Eric was a terrible accident–Jim was taken care of for taking matters into his own hands.”

I leaned forward, “and what price did you pay for your part in this? I know what happened to Jim. But I never heard anything about you paying your due.”

He lowered his glasses, and I was shocked by the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. “I paid. Trust me. I paid.” He slid the glasses back up his nose. “And we’ve brought Eric back from the dead. It took some doing, as we had to regenerate his fingertips and all, but we did it. And Jim is back into fighting trim as well. The bionic parts we got him have made him twice the man he was before.”

I looked down at my laptop, and shifted it to be squared with the edge of the table. “And what do I get out of this? I told you when I left I didn’t want any part of your schemes.” I stared into his lenses. “And more importantly, who else do you have and how’d you get ‘em? If you brought back Eric and upgraded Jim I can see the hold you’d have on them. But that’s only a small part of the team.”

He laughed, “Oh I’ve got ‘em all. I’m still in negotiations with MWT and Anne, and I’ve got some people I think we can bring in later, but I’ve mostly got the group back together.”

“Even Janiece?” I asked incredulously.

“Janiece, Kim, Jeri, Vince, Tania, Shawn, Tania, John and Matt. We’ve even got an international division.”

“So Janiece is in. How’d you convince her?”

“That’s between me and Janiece,” he said, sitting up a little more straight. I could see I wasn’t going to get anything else out of him.

“Lemme think about it. Call Janiece myself and see what she has to say. Then I’ll get back to you. You still using the same drops?”

“Yeah. We’re on the cheap this time.”

“Shit,” I said slouching down in my chair, “you want me to do this for free? I’ve got expenses y’know.”

“We’ve got fringe bennies,” he said. “I can get you and Shawn some extra money from the tech budget. We’ve got a slew of new toys.”

“Really?” That piqued my interest. “How can you afford the new toys?”

“Beta testing for the military. We try ‘em out, and if they work for us, they get moved into production.”

“Nice,” I said. “Anything good?”

“I’ll tell you if you’re in.”

“Hell,” I said, “for new toys, I’m in.”

If you wanna know why it’s for the UCF, click through and read the alt/title text on the image.

Yes, my prize for winning the Jim Wright is an Asshole contest has finally arrived!

And it’s actually a real prize this time!

Well, *this* box is certified and marked fragile. That’s a good sign!

Please note I am using a box cutter and it did NOT require a visit to the emergency room.

It’s ACTUALLY A BOWL! Look! It even GLINTS in the LIGHT!

SHINY!

I still don’t think Grandmom gets the joke of the last package from Jim. But at least she thought this was pretty!

NOTE:
If you would like to purchase a Jim Wright bowl for your very own, go to the Stonekettle Station Flickr page and peruse his wares! Or visit his website at Stonekettle Station.

What more could I want?

The expected look was from Anne:

A FREE BOOK! Woo! Hoo!

The unexpected loot was from Jeri (you got a preview above):

Plum Jam AND chocolates! (I’ll have to be fast or the jam will be reappropriated by my grandmother.)

THANK YOU!

Being a good granddaughter, I opened the box to make sure nothing had broken, and then closed the box back up for my grandmother.

Since we did the Grandmom exchange with my aunt today, Grandmom finally opened the apple butter.

The jar is now sitting by her chair–presumably so no one else will open it first. :)

We found an “Alaskan Fur Store” in Jackson, which may or may not explain Alaskans.

Sorry. None of you were worth $34.99 (or even $24.99 without tail) for a highly disturbing joke. However, you may be pleased to note that I included the phone number, on the off chance you wanted to order one for yourself.

If anyone orders this, let me state upfront that I do NOT want pictures of anyone I know modeling these things.

I also relaxed.

Here you can see me relaxing at Jenny Lake in the Grand Teton National Park.

No, they are not boots, but they were sneakers with laces. And it’s not like I was hiking. We were just walking around the lake.

After the wedding and national park visiting, we took a detour to visit Janiece and Anne.

The fabulous Janiece and her Smart Man allowed us to stay out their house, despite not having anyone to vouch for the fact that we were not deranged killers. I felt very lucky she trusted us so.

We went to the Coors Brewery for the tour, and Michael was pleased to discover that one of the beers he could “taste test” was Blue Moon.

This made up for the fact that he was initially disturbed to discover that Coors made Blue Moon and Killians, two of his favorite beers. (I do have pictures with Janiece at the Brewery, but they weren’t nearly silly enough for this post.)

We then met up with Anne, and wandered around the Denver Museum of Science.

INVISIBLE COCONUTS!

(Confused? See here.)

The museum had many interactive exhibits. Here I am modeling the mule deer ears.

They really didn’t make me hear any better. Or perhaps this was one just more exhibit I went to use that was not working at the time. Apparently it’s not safe to go anywhere with me.

After the museum we went out to dinner, where Janiece was surprised with brownies.

As you can see, Janiece thought they were icky, and said she was going to give them to her Smart Man to eat.

And here we were after dinner.

You’ll notice there is only ONE glass per person visible on the table. You’ll also notice that Anne is the only one who looks consistently sane in these pictures.

That’s all I’m going to say about that.

I’m so glad we were able to take some extra time on our trip to go by Denver and finally meet Janiece and Anne in person! As you can see, we did have some small amount of fun.

Nathan’s postcard is a lovely shot of the mountains across the lake, and although my backyard doesn’t quite look like that, the postcard is quite lovely.

However.

82 cents in postage? Really?

Nathan, you do realize that West Virginia is not, in fact, a foreign country, right? And it only costs 26 cents to mail a postcard?

Just checking.

Today, my loot arrived!

Two (2) notes!

And a suspiciously small bag.

Do Not Eat.

Yes! My very own tweezers, glue stick, and bag of sawdust… It’s a KIT! The perfect gift for someone as patient as I am!

Thanks Jim! I’m sure your thank you will be in the mail any time now.

Asshole.

And I also forgot to mention that I TOTALLY WON Jim’s contest! (Go read the entries only if you are not faint of heart.) I’d like to say that makes all the pain and suffering of the past couple weeks worth it, but that would totally be a lie. So, I’ll leave it at YAY ME!

You win.

Just so you know.

(Confused? Ask Tania!)

ADDENDUM the First:

I also laughed hysterically at the return address on one package. Thanks Nathan!

LOOT!

Loot from Janiece…

Loot from Nathan…

And loot for Michael!

You were asking about the UCF? Here’s a scrapbook of headlines and articles that tell the story.

Kate

UCF alumnus Kate Baker was awarded New Artist of the Year last night, and took home four other Grammys, including the Album of the Year.

Taking the stage in her sleek Channel dress, black pumps, a diamond covered tiara, and her characteristic UCF pin on the shoulder, Kate thanked her family, and also the inspiration given her by the UCF.

“They’ve given me guidance and support from the start,” Kate said tearfully during her acceptance speech. “I’ve never met another group so completely insane. And it is that insanity that propelled me forward, and convinced me that compared to the UCF, I was downright normal.”

The UCF is an organization with an undisclosed membership list, although occasionally high profile members like Kate Baker step into the limelight and claim membership. After escorting Kate to the Grammys, it has been rumored that George Clooney has become a member, solely due to Kate’s influence.

Whether this membership is healthy for Kate and her new Beau remains to be seen.

Shawn

Video blogger and computer guru Shawn Powers has been caught up in another tentacle scandal.

Once again, Powers has claimed that his interest in tentacles is, “just clean fun!” and “it’s not disgusting like you people keep saying!” However, Powers embrace by hentai fetishists has tarnished the image of this once golden boy.

Known initially for his quirky video blogging, Shawn became the darling of the Linux world when he unveiled Tongo.

Sales that shot through the roof and continued to exceed all expectations propelled him and his company to the top.

However in recent years, scandal has continued to plague Tongo and its leader. Rumors of drug problems have dogged powers for years, although he continues to claim his pharmaceutical forays are all doctor prescribed.

The biggest scandal, however, comes from continued revelations that Powers is involved with hentai fetishists.

There are fears that these continued scandals will rock not just Tongo, but also the famed musician Kate Baker, and other members of the secretive group known only as the UCF.

Vince

Tech expert Vince O’Connor, founder of the computer support company Durian, has denied allegations that his association with Shawn Powers, Tongo, and the group UCF caused a crash in the price of Durian stock this week.

O’Connor’s close association with Powers, the CEO of Tongo, has led to suspicions that he too many be involved in the tentacle scandal that has knocked Powers from his perch atop the tech world.

As O’Connor struggles to keep his vast support company afloat amid a flurry of hentai rumors, his association with the UCF has succeeded in tarring his company with the same brush as Tongo, despite protests by both Powers and O’Connor that neither was involved with the great Octopi Debacle that hit Japan earlier this month.

It is possible that his protests are working however, as the price of Durian has started to recover from the all-time low it hit last Friday.

Anne

Denver resident Anne C. is being lauded today for her latest project to grace the skies of her home.

Her new project, Germination, is expected to be completed later this year, and will grace the Denver skyline with its organic lines.

Germination, the brainchild of this famed architect, is the first building in the US to not only have a carbon-neutral footprint, but to have won design awards as well.

Although speculation that she was a past member of the UCF has dogged her career for years, Anne has refused to speak on the subject, saying only, “I want to be judged solely by my work.”

And if the reaction and acclaim of her Denver neighbors is anything to go by, even a past association with the notorious UCF won’t tarnish her reputation in her home town at least.

Jeri

Seattle resident and mother Jeri M. was recently brought in for questioning, for her past membership in the UCF.

Although denying any knowledge of terrorist aims of the group, Jeri was once a core member of the group, and founder of several UCF projects.

“These are my friends,” said Jeri. “I have no knowledge of any criminal activities on their parts. I just thought they were fun to talk to and hang out with.”

These allegations have besmirched the once sterling reputation of Jeri, who was known previously as “the best damned telecommunications manager in the business.”

Whether these associations will slow her meteoric rise is yet to be seen. It’s possible that her associations with famed Architect Anne C may help to salvage her reputation.

Janiece

Janiece Murphy was again picked up for questioning yesterday, regarding suspicious activities and her membership in the UCF.

The former Naval corpsman was arrested at the Grand Opening of Germinations, to which she’d been invited by her friend the architect Anne C.

“I refuse to believe that Janiece has done anything wrong,” Anne C stated. “She’s a good woman, and she’s being framed.”

Witnesses claim to have seen Murphy at a local cattle ranch, running through the fields, yelling obscenities at the cows. When picked-up several miles away by local police, she claimed she was only exercising to hold off the “mad cow,” a statement that was taken as highly suspicious by local authorities.

If you have any knowledge of the activities of Murphy, or of her association with the UCF, please contact the FBI or your local authorities.

Tania

Famed Alaskan Tania Clucas’ meteoric downfall came with association with ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers, and her admitting to a shared tentacle fascination.

While Powers was denying that anything untoward was happening, Clucas, famed Jeapordy champion and author of many pieces published in the New Yorker, was talking to the press about her fascination with tentacles.

“They’re really amazing,” Clucas said, “I mean, check out those suction cups!”

This contradictory evidence brought down not only her media empire, but took down Tongo CEO Powers as well.

“People just don’t want to see things like that,” was the statement made by most Americans. “I means, she knows a lot, and I love her brand, but tentacles? Ew!”

Although she might have survived the tentacle scandal, her public acknowledgement of her ties to the UCF brought down her empire.

Clucas now resides in a cabin in rural Alaska.

MWT

Police are baffled by a slew of random graffiti attacks perpetrated through the city this week, by an individual identifying themselves only by the initials MWT.

This individuals has been seen stalking the streets at night, dressed in a black cape, carrying a scythe, and wearing a paper bag over their head with cryptic symbols on the front.

Police are unable to decipher the messages, which say things like:

bindex=1;
for j=1:length(SCSlat)-1
k=j;
while SCSsortmatrix(k,1)==SCSsortmatrix(k+1,1)
&& SCSsortmatrix(k,2)==SCSsortmatrix(k+1,2)
k=k+1;
end
if bindex(end) ~=k
bindex=[bindex k];
end
end

and then continue on to rail against IT professionals and their fiefdoms and how they are power hungry maniacs.

This individual is believed to be part of the group UCF, a secretive organization that may have ties to the Discordians, as well as ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers.

If you see this individual, take caution, for the graffiti has caused headaches in a variety of individuals immediately after exposure.

Kim

Canadian Kim Wilson was today picked as the next Martha Stewart “Woman of the Year.”

Wilson, who holds down many titles in her home, including mother, wife, student and caregiver, was selected by Stewart as this year’s winner.

“It’s amazing the number of hats (Wilson) wears,” Stewart said. “She truly does it all.”

There was some initial controversy over her selection, due to her membership in the UCF, a group that may have ties to the terrorist John the Scientist. However, as nothing could be proved, her prize money and private masseuse will be sent out immediately.

Nathan

Brooklyn resident Nathan Gendzier was taken into custody yesterday, after making a scene in Chinatown. He was charged with disturbing the peace, after yelling obscenities and “I’ll park wherever I want!” at an elderly Chinese immigrant.

Following his arrest in Chinatown, it was discovered that he had been arrested earlier this year, in what was referred to as the “stinky tofu” incident, when Gendzier and accomplice John the Scientist were discovered leaving a dish called “stinky tofu” on the door steps of unsuspecting individuals.

“It was a gawdawful smell,” one victim reported. “If you were to make stew using a litter box and the undead it wouldn’t smell that bad.”

Additionally, our reporter has discovered that Gendzier was also taken into custody after a fracas involving, of all things, a toaster.

He was discovered on the streets, wearing only sandals and a strange wooden hat, muttering about a “toaster conspiracy” and claiming that his toaster—which had supernatural powers—had been stolen by a strange alien called “not-Blink.”

He was released after an evaluation found him to be mostly harmless, although he remains under suspicion due to his association with the discredited UCF.

John the Scientist

An individual known only as “John the Scientist” is still on the loose today, after eluding federal officials in a multi-state manhunt.

He is alleged to be the individual responsible for the manifestos posted throughout the northeast on the doors of county courthouses and movie studios.

The subject of these manifestos range from gun control to parking in New York city to a particularly incoherent raving about dating his daughter.

John the Scientist is also alleged to have been involved in the “stinky tofu” incident. His alleged partner, Nathan Gendzier, who was recently taken into custody on unrelated charges, claims to have no knowledge of the identity of “John the Scientist,” and regarding the “Stinky Tofu” incident, claims that John the Scientist was the mastermind of the plot.

John the Scientist is also believed to be a member of the UCF, a group once associated with pop-star Kate Baker, but now linked indelibly with ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers.

The FBI refuses to release further information, although and anonymous source is reported to have said, “He’s a damned redneck. He disappears into the woods and we’ll never catch the bastard.”

If you see someone you suspect of being John the Scientist, do not approach him. Back calmly away, and then call police when you are out of sight. John the Scientist is suspected of being able to make explosives from duct tape, chewing gum, and cat pee.

Jim

Jim Wright, aka Mary Sue, aka Gary Stu, has again eluded a joint Police-DNR taskforce.

Wright is believed to be the owner of a white beast—believed to be a cat—that attacked a man at Wasilla Market in Anchorage last week. Wright claimed that the attack was in self-defense, and that the victim was the infamous “John the Scientist” who is the alleged mastermind behind the “Stinky Tofu” attacks.

Initially DNR officials wanted only to speak to Mr. Wright about the attack in Wasilla Market, however, they soon discovered that Wright was wanted for questioning in NY. Police allege that Wright was involved in the death of a man known only as Eric, whose body was found in the parking lot of a NY hotel. Because the fingertips and teeth of the corpse had been removed, positive identification is proceeding slowly.

The corpse is being identified as Eric because that is the name on the note found under the body.

Upon further investigation, it was found that Wright is known locally as a “colorful personality.” His claims of everything to scaling Everest to saving the previous president from an assassination attempt to discovering the Titanic are taken with several grains of salt by locals. “You listen to Jim,” a woman who would be identified only as Tania told reporters, “you’ll think he’s done everything. If he’d done even a quarter of what he claims, he’d be 800 years old and made entirely of scars from old bullet and knife wounds.”

Eric

The body of a man identified only as Eric was found in the parking lot of a local hotel earlier this week.

The body, sans teeth and fingertips, was discovered early Thursday morning by a maid coming in to work at the hotel.

“I just thought he was some bum, some drunk, sleeping,” she said, “But when I turn him over, there is a gaping mouth with no teeth. And his eyes, his eyes keep staring at me.”

A note found under the body provides the only clue in the case so far.

“Eric,” the note read, “You bottom-feeder, make sure you have the item this time. Don’t find me, I’ll find you. Jim”

From this note, police were able to discern that the victim was a lawyer named Eric, who had gotten himself involved with the mob or some other criminal society, and was killed by a gentleman named Jim.

Although no suspect is in custody, police are following a number of leads in the case, and are searching for several individuals wanted for questioning in the case.

The only other identifying marks on the body were a series of tattoos of pithy prose talking about a cat, and extolling the virtues of the late Elvis Presley.

“Strange fellow,” one policeman reported. “Don’t know too many lawyers like Elvis Presley. Especially one so young. Even if he was a lawyer, seems a shame for him to die so young.”

Police are seeking any leads into the case.

Jeri came up with the idea of writing headlines for the members of the UCF.

Of course you don’t have to be a member of the UCF to do so, and are thus welcome to post your headlines about me here.

Because I’m a difficult person, I’ll be posting my stories/headlines here. Things are pretty busy, but I’ve been writing snippets all morning whenever a have a few moments of free time (and I do mean moments, it’s been pretty busy). I’ll post them when I get a batch done.

And here’s Jeri’s headline for me:

Earning a sizeable reward from the FBI for spotting and turning in a top-ten most wanted fugitive annoying users in her computer lab, Michelle recently took a leave of absence to prepare for and win the the Ghirardelli Chocolate Bake-off. She was awarded the Mythopoeic Fantasy award for her novel Toasters in the Night, and notably thanked her friends in the UCF for inspiration and non-linear ideas.

I opened the mailbox and GOT LOOT!

I got a postcard from John the Scientist from Paris:

Of course I can’t send him one back unless he deigns to send me his name and address. :)

And I got an AWESOME pair of earrings from Jeri!

There are few small joys in the world like going to the mailbox and receiving something unexpected.

Thank you all so much!