I am not OK.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not sure I even remember what OK felt like, it\u2019s been so long.<\/p>\n
Intellectually, I know the things I need to be doing. <\/p>\n
Intellectually, I know grief is a process and it takes time and there is no wrong way to grieve.<\/p>\n
Intellectually, I know I have difficulty dealing with grief.<\/p>\n
But in reality? My brain still believes that I should be better by now. That I don\u2019t have a right to feel this way because so many other people have it so much worse. That it\u2019s wrong for me to still be grieving because I don\u2019t deserve to. That other\u2019s feelings and losses are more important than mine. That I\u2019m weak for not being able to just get over this.<\/p>\n
I hate this.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m so tired.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve tried to incorporate things that I know help me back into my life: we try to go hiking at least once a week\u2014out in the wilderness where there are no other people. I try to get some exercise, even if it\u2019s only walking on the treadmill while I\u2019m on the computer. I try to remember to eat. I try to remember to drink enough water (or at least tea). And I read. <\/p>\n
That helps to get me out of my head, to feel other things.<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s so hard to do just that bare minimum, everything else is too much. And it shouldn\u2019t be. I mean, how hard is it to put away the groceries? How hard is it to put things away? Yet I don\u2019t\u2014I can\u2019t\u2014and then I feel guilty for that too,<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not cooking.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not cleaning the house.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t baked since April.<\/p>\n
I was already struggling with a lot of things before my dad died\u2014the pandemic and politics obviously, but I\u2019d also been trying to come to terms with things I\u2019ve been ignoring for decades: who I am; how can I accept the parts of me that don\u2019t fit. How can I be me, and not just the expectations of others?<\/p>\n
I already didn\u2019t much enjoy being me, living in this body. <\/p>\n
I just want things to be better.<\/p>\n
I want to listen to the news and not hear horror and misery. I want terrible things to stop happening to my friends. I want the world to be loving and accepting.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t actually have a coda for this. I just needed to get it out. And to make some small attempt at letting people know: I\u2019m not ok.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am not OK. I\u2019m not sure I even remember what OK felt like, it\u2019s been so long. Intellectually, I know the things I need to be doing. Intellectually, I know grief is a process and it takes time and there is no wrong way to grieve. Intellectually, I know I have difficulty dealing with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16663","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pefxA-4kL","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16663","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16663"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16663\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16663"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16663"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/klishis.com\/notreally\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16663"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}