There is a distinct possibility that if I even publish this post, I may regret it and take it down.<\/p>\n
Which you can take as your warning that this post is going to contain a bit more personal information than normal.
\n
\nSo, a small bit of background.<\/p>\n
I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). For years I denied it, which is rather strange, since I didn’t have too much of a problem admitting that I suffered from depression. For some reason it was OK to admit I was depressed, even to other people, while OCD was just something that wasn’t going to be in my world.<\/p>\n
Despite the fact that I knew all the symptoms, despite the fact that I knew some of my “quirky” behaviors weren’t normal, and weren’t healthy.<\/p>\n
The problem is, of course, that mental illness just isn’t something one wants to admit to–at least in public. (And working for a someone who referred to the local mental health facility as “that damn nuthouse” didn’t help either.) <\/p>\n
This has been on my mind because I’ve been having trouble with my OCD recently. Not a serious problem, but some of my “quirks” are crossing the line from “quirk” to “annoyance.”<\/p>\n
The quirk that’s bothering me the most right now is weight. I don’t own a full length mirror or a scale. It’s a matter of self-defense. If I can’t weigh myself or look in a mirror, I don’t think about how I look. <\/p>\n
Unfortunately for me, the rec center has a digital scale that I have to walk past every single time I walk in and out of the changing room. Every single time. So I have to weigh myself. Every single day. So when my weight goes up a couple of ounces, I worry about it. And then I start thinking about what I’m eating. Am I eating too much? Am I eating too much food that is bad for me? Am I gaining weight or is this just a daily fluccuation? <\/p>\n
Now, every single meal I consider what I’m eating, how much I’m eating, and how good it is for me. <\/p>\n
Does this sound unreasonable? What if I tell you that I am precisely in the middle of my weight range for my height, I exercise every day, and I haven’t eaten mammals since I was 20. If there was anyone who doesn’t need to obsess about weight and what they’re eating, it’s me.<\/p>\n
I know this is bad, and I know that nothing good can come of it.<\/p>\n
What makes things so difficult is that I’m perfectly capable of functioning with untreated OCD and depression, and mostly capable of hiding the fact that I’m having problems. (Of course I might just be deluding myself about that last bit.)<\/p>\n
Things never get so bad that I can’t work. They never get so bad that I can’t function. I know the tricks to make things easier: exercise, relaxing, distracting myself. But it’s still there, some days worse than others.<\/p>\n
However, today, I managed to avoid stepping on the scale, and avoided checking the fit of my clothes in the mirror.<\/p>\n
One day at a time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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