Random (but not really)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Small Update

Just so you don’t think I fell of the earth, I’m still here, and I’m still attempting to deal–although I’m not necessarily dealing well.

I’m still having a rough time with my medication–in fact I left a message for the doctor to call me, because I think I’m doing worse than I was when is started the meds. (Which I find amusing when I’m not being annoyed by the side effects. [Because, really, who doesn’t need a little something to make them more anxious and jittery?])

How do I know things are getting worse? Because I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning, and if given the choice would spend all my time hiding in the basement reading all my favorite books. But I am getting out of bed and going to work. And I am not hiding in the basement–at least not all the time. And I’m reading new books instead of my old favorites (but that’s mostly because I have so many books I haven’t read, I feel guilty picking up a book I’ve read previously. No matter how much The Phoenix Guards or Swordspoint or Pawn of Prophecy calls out to me. [Especially Phoenix Guards, because reading that means I have to read Five Hundred Years After, and then I’d have to read The Khaavren Romances, and then I’d have to read all the Vlad books, and since I have Dzur on pre-order for when it comes out in paperback, I’ll have to re-read all the Vlad books again then…(I’m sure you can understand how difficult it is.)])

So I’m dealing. I just could be dealing better.

To be honest, it’s terribly frustrating to know that in what seems to be another life, I could deal with the problems and issues that cropped up from day to day. I know I was once a person who could handle stressors–maybe not exceptionally well, but I could handle them. But that seems like something that I read about rather than something I did myself. Depression makes me feel like I’ve always been completely incompetent, so why do I bother trying. But after years of dealing with this, I’ve learned that if I take action and do something about my depression, it will eventually pass.

I just have to be patient.

I hate being patient.

In other news, now that it seems to be general knowledge (i.e they finally told my grandmother), my father starts radiation therapy next week. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a huge deal. But when he had the surgery for his prostate cancer in 1999, I was hoping not to have to deal with this again. But things are the way they are, and I simply have to accept that (since it’s not like I can actually do anything about it.)

So nothing has really changed–I’m still plodding along. But I have hope that things will get better soon.

Like maybe after I completely get over this stupid cold I seem to have picked up.

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