My joints and my back ache.

My skin hurts.

I’m running a fever and shivering uncontrollably.

As I was running out the hot water heater, I was trying to eliminate possibilities.

“Hmm… No buboes, so it’s not the plague. No sore throat, so it’s not strep throat. I haven’t been bitten by any wild animals, so it shouldn’t be rabies. Plus, I’m not foaming at the mouth. I got my tetanus shot last year, so it’s not lock-jaw.

It could be meningitis. Maybe that’s why my head hurts so much.

And it can’t be the goddamned flu, because I GOT my fucking flu shot. Again. And I had the flu over the summer. So it must be something else. Something horrific I’m sure.

But instead of searching the internet to find out what it is, I’m going to bed.