So. Here we are once again. Face to face with the ugly truth that I’m just not doing as well as I should be.

Why haven’t I been talking about it? Honestly, because I’m reaching the point where I’m starting to feel whiny about it. I should be better, but I’m not. I feel like everyone else should be as tired of this bullshit as I am–so I don’t want to write about it.

I know things are bad because I pretty much spent the month of September sick. Thing about mental health is it affects your physical health, and that’s a vicious little circle, because who feels well mentally when they’ve been sick? And of course it’s hard to exercise when when you’re sick, which creates yet another negative feedback look.

So, no fun there.

Add to that, I keep getting stuck in ruts somewhat of my own demise–computer games (the few I do play) are a nasty suck for me, and it’s been bad recently (I can play solitaire for hours and hours, but I recently added Bejeweled into the mix. Great idea that.) That makes things worse, since I’m then frustrated that I’m not doing things like baking or reading or cleaning the house or… well, just about anything besides playing the damned games.

Additionally, work has been incredibly stressful since May. I kept hoping that as the major project wound down things would get better, but the project seemed to go on forever, and other things kept (and keep) cropping up to exacerbate the situation. I’m doing what I can, but unfortunately, much of this situation is out of my control. But I’m trying to change the things that are under my control, so we’ll see how that goes.

And trying to post here has been unusually difficult. I’ve been keeping this blog (in various incarnations) since 2002, and although I go through phases where I have a hard time writing, it feels like I’ve been struggling since summer. Which is too damned long.

What have I been doing about it? First, my doc and I have been changing my meds around. I’m on Zoloft now, and we just increased the dosage. Again. And I’ve still got room to go up again if this doesn’t do it. I’m finally getting back to the gym (of course yesterday was a no go, because of the game, but at least I walked home).

Am I going to give up writing here? Hell no. This started solely as a writing exercise for me, and I’m not going to give up on it. Will posts continue to suck in the interim? Almost certainly. I just ask that you bear with me, and if you have ideas for posts you’d like me to write, please send them along. I need all the inspiration I can get.

So that’s where things are right now. I’m holding, but hope to get things off the ground soon.