As much as I wished that the depression was completely gone from my life, it is a slow climb back up that hill to normalcy–or at least for me an even keel. The ankle is in some ways exacerbating it, since for years I’ve used aerobic exercise to ameliorate some of the symptoms of my depression, however, I’m not yet back to the point where I was a year ago. And, to be starkly honest, these things take time.

But sometimes, I don’t do myself any favors.

One of the things I requested was an anti-anxiety medicine for when I have an anxiety attack. It’s a medicine I take only as needed, and when I have taken it, it has worked well. (Huzzah for that!) Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. But instead of taking the medicine I have, I kept thinking, “it’s not that bad right now now, maybe it will lift on it’s own. Maybe I’ll just wait it out.” And thus last night I went into a nasty tailspin.

For me, the adrenaline causes me not just to want to get up and do something, but also mentally determine WHY I am anxious.

This may sound innocent enough, except that for my brain, the answer is always the same: a detailed listing of my faults and mistakes and errors culminating in the “realization” that I’m a horrible person and if everyone doesn’t hate me, they should.

Yeah. That’s just as fun as it sounds.

So today I’m dragging myself out of that pit and resolving to TAKE THE DAMNED MEDS next time an anxiety attack hits.