Random (but not really)

Monday, August 18, 2008

Headlines, Part the Second

NOTE: I apologize. I know I’ve not covered everyone, but this is where things led me. I’ll try and rectify my exclusions later.

You were asking about the UCF? Here’s a scrapbook of headlines and articles that tell the story.


UCF alumnus Kate Baker was awarded New Artist of the Year last night, and took home four other Grammys, including the Album of the Year.

Taking the stage in her sleek Channel dress, black pumps, a diamond covered tiara, and her characteristic UCF pin on the shoulder, Kate thanked her family, and also the inspiration given her by the UCF.

“They’ve given me guidance and support from the start,” Kate said tearfully during her acceptance speech. “I’ve never met another group so completely insane. And it is that insanity that propelled me forward, and convinced me that compared to the UCF, I was downright normal.”

The UCF is an organization with an undisclosed membership list, although occasionally high profile members like Kate Baker step into the limelight and claim membership. After escorting Kate to the Grammys, it has been rumored that George Clooney has become a member, solely due to Kate’s influence.

Whether this membership is healthy for Kate and her new Beau remains to be seen.


Video blogger and computer guru Shawn Powers has been caught up in another tentacle scandal.

Once again, Powers has claimed that his interest in tentacles is, “just clean fun!” and “it’s not disgusting like you people keep saying!” However, Powers embrace by hentai fetishists has tarnished the image of this once golden boy.

Known initially for his quirky video blogging, Shawn became the darling of the Linux world when he unveiled Tongo.

Sales that shot through the roof and continued to exceed all expectations propelled him and his company to the top.

However in recent years, scandal has continued to plague Tongo and its leader. Rumors of drug problems have dogged powers for years, although he continues to claim his pharmaceutical forays are all doctor prescribed.

The biggest scandal, however, comes from continued revelations that Powers is involved with hentai fetishists.

There are fears that these continued scandals will rock not just Tongo, but also the famed musician Kate Baker, and other members of the secretive group known only as the UCF.


Tech expert Vince O’Connor, founder of the computer support company Durian, has denied allegations that his association with Shawn Powers, Tongo, and the group UCF caused a crash in the price of Durian stock this week.

O’Connor’s close association with Powers, the CEO of Tongo, has led to suspicions that he too many be involved in the tentacle scandal that has knocked Powers from his perch atop the tech world.

As O’Connor struggles to keep his vast support company afloat amid a flurry of hentai rumors, his association with the UCF has succeeded in tarring his company with the same brush as Tongo, despite protests by both Powers and O’Connor that neither was involved with the great Octopi Debacle that hit Japan earlier this month.

It is possible that his protests are working however, as the price of Durian has started to recover from the all-time low it hit last Friday.


Denver resident Anne C. is being lauded today for her latest project to grace the skies of her home.

Her new project, Germination, is expected to be completed later this year, and will grace the Denver skyline with its organic lines.

Germination, the brainchild of this famed architect, is the first building in the US to not only have a carbon-neutral footprint, but to have won design awards as well.

Although speculation that she was a past member of the UCF has dogged her career for years, Anne has refused to speak on the subject, saying only, “I want to be judged solely by my work.”

And if the reaction and acclaim of her Denver neighbors is anything to go by, even a past association with the notorious UCF won’t tarnish her reputation in her home town at least.


Seattle resident and mother Jeri M. was recently brought in for questioning, for her past membership in the UCF.

Although denying any knowledge of terrorist aims of the group, Jeri was once a core member of the group, and founder of several UCF projects.

“These are my friends,” said Jeri. “I have no knowledge of any criminal activities on their parts. I just thought they were fun to talk to and hang out with.”

These allegations have besmirched the once sterling reputation of Jeri, who was known previously as “the best damned telecommunications manager in the business.”

Whether these associations will slow her meteoric rise is yet to be seen. It’s possible that her associations with famed Architect Anne C may help to salvage her reputation.


Janiece Murphy was again picked up for questioning yesterday, regarding suspicious activities and her membership in the UCF.

The former Naval corpsman was arrested at the Grand Opening of Germinations, to which she’d been invited by her friend the architect Anne C.

“I refuse to believe that Janiece has done anything wrong,” Anne C stated. “She’s a good woman, and she’s being framed.”

Witnesses claim to have seen Murphy at a local cattle ranch, running through the fields, yelling obscenities at the cows. When picked-up several miles away by local police, she claimed she was only exercising to hold off the “mad cow,” a statement that was taken as highly suspicious by local authorities.

If you have any knowledge of the activities of Murphy, or of her association with the UCF, please contact the FBI or your local authorities.


Famed Alaskan Tania Clucas’ meteoric downfall came with association with ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers, and her admitting to a shared tentacle fascination.

While Powers was denying that anything untoward was happening, Clucas, famed Jeapordy champion and author of many pieces published in the New Yorker, was talking to the press about her fascination with tentacles.

“They’re really amazing,” Clucas said, “I mean, check out those suction cups!”

This contradictory evidence brought down not only her media empire, but took down Tongo CEO Powers as well.

“People just don’t want to see things like that,” was the statement made by most Americans. “I means, she knows a lot, and I love her brand, but tentacles? Ew!”

Although she might have survived the tentacle scandal, her public acknowledgement of her ties to the UCF brought down her empire.

Clucas now resides in a cabin in rural Alaska.


Police are baffled by a slew of random graffiti attacks perpetrated through the city this week, by an individual identifying themselves only by the initials MWT.

This individuals has been seen stalking the streets at night, dressed in a black cape, carrying a scythe, and wearing a paper bag over their head with cryptic symbols on the front.

Police are unable to decipher the messages, which say things like:

for j=1:length(SCSlat)-1
while SCSsortmatrix(k,1)==SCSsortmatrix(k+1,1)
&& SCSsortmatrix(k,2)==SCSsortmatrix(k+1,2)
if bindex(end) ~=k
bindex=[bindex k];

and then continue on to rail against IT professionals and their fiefdoms and how they are power hungry maniacs.

This individual is believed to be part of the group UCF, a secretive organization that may have ties to the Discordians, as well as ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers.

If you see this individual, take caution, for the graffiti has caused headaches in a variety of individuals immediately after exposure.


Canadian Kim Wilson was today picked as the next Martha Stewart “Woman of the Year.”

Wilson, who holds down many titles in her home, including mother, wife, student and caregiver, was selected by Stewart as this year’s winner.

“It’s amazing the number of hats (Wilson) wears,” Stewart said. “She truly does it all.”

There was some initial controversy over her selection, due to her membership in the UCF, a group that may have ties to the terrorist John the Scientist. However, as nothing could be proved, her prize money and private masseuse will be sent out immediately.


Brooklyn resident Nathan Gendzier was taken into custody yesterday, after making a scene in Chinatown. He was charged with disturbing the peace, after yelling obscenities and “I’ll park wherever I want!” at an elderly Chinese immigrant.

Following his arrest in Chinatown, it was discovered that he had been arrested earlier this year, in what was referred to as the “stinky tofu” incident, when Gendzier and accomplice John the Scientist were discovered leaving a dish called “stinky tofu” on the door steps of unsuspecting individuals.

“It was a gawdawful smell,” one victim reported. “If you were to make stew using a litter box and the undead it wouldn’t smell that bad.”

Additionally, our reporter has discovered that Gendzier was also taken into custody after a fracas involving, of all things, a toaster.

He was discovered on the streets, wearing only sandals and a strange wooden hat, muttering about a “toaster conspiracy” and claiming that his toaster—which had supernatural powers—had been stolen by a strange alien called “not-Blink.”

He was released after an evaluation found him to be mostly harmless, although he remains under suspicion due to his association with the discredited UCF.

John the Scientist

An individual known only as “John the Scientist” is still on the loose today, after eluding federal officials in a multi-state manhunt.

He is alleged to be the individual responsible for the manifestos posted throughout the northeast on the doors of county courthouses and movie studios.

The subject of these manifestos range from gun control to parking in New York city to a particularly incoherent raving about dating his daughter.

John the Scientist is also alleged to have been involved in the “stinky tofu” incident. His alleged partner, Nathan Gendzier, who was recently taken into custody on unrelated charges, claims to have no knowledge of the identity of “John the Scientist,” and regarding the “Stinky Tofu” incident, claims that John the Scientist was the mastermind of the plot.

John the Scientist is also believed to be a member of the UCF, a group once associated with pop-star Kate Baker, but now linked indelibly with ex-Tongo CEO Shawn Powers.

The FBI refuses to release further information, although and anonymous source is reported to have said, “He’s a damned redneck. He disappears into the woods and we’ll never catch the bastard.”

If you see someone you suspect of being John the Scientist, do not approach him. Back calmly away, and then call police when you are out of sight. John the Scientist is suspected of being able to make explosives from duct tape, chewing gum, and cat pee.


Jim Wright, aka Mary Sue, aka Gary Stu, has again eluded a joint Police-DNR taskforce.

Wright is believed to be the owner of a white beast—believed to be a cat—that attacked a man at Wasilla Market in Anchorage last week. Wright claimed that the attack was in self-defense, and that the victim was the infamous “John the Scientist” who is the alleged mastermind behind the “Stinky Tofu” attacks.

Initially DNR officials wanted only to speak to Mr. Wright about the attack in Wasilla Market, however, they soon discovered that Wright was wanted for questioning in NY. Police allege that Wright was involved in the death of a man known only as Eric, whose body was found in the parking lot of a NY hotel. Because the fingertips and teeth of the corpse had been removed, positive identification is proceeding slowly.

The corpse is being identified as Eric because that is the name on the note found under the body.

Upon further investigation, it was found that Wright is known locally as a “colorful personality.” His claims of everything to scaling Everest to saving the previous president from an assassination attempt to discovering the Titanic are taken with several grains of salt by locals. “You listen to Jim,” a woman who would be identified only as Tania told reporters, “you’ll think he’s done everything. If he’d done even a quarter of what he claims, he’d be 800 years old and made entirely of scars from old bullet and knife wounds.”


The body of a man identified only as Eric was found in the parking lot of a local hotel earlier this week.

The body, sans teeth and fingertips, was discovered early Thursday morning by a maid coming in to work at the hotel.

“I just thought he was some bum, some drunk, sleeping,” she said, “But when I turn him over, there is a gaping mouth with no teeth. And his eyes, his eyes keep staring at me.”

A note found under the body provides the only clue in the case so far.

“Eric,” the note read, “You bottom-feeder, make sure you have the item this time. Don’t find me, I’ll find you. Jim”

From this note, police were able to discern that the victim was a lawyer named Eric, who had gotten himself involved with the mob or some other criminal society, and was killed by a gentleman named Jim.

Although no suspect is in custody, police are following a number of leads in the case, and are searching for several individuals wanted for questioning in the case.

The only other identifying marks on the body were a series of tattoos of pithy prose talking about a cat, and extolling the virtues of the late Elvis Presley.

“Strange fellow,” one policeman reported. “Don’t know too many lawyers like Elvis Presley. Especially one so young. Even if he was a lawyer, seems a shame for him to die so young.”

Police are seeking any leads into the case.

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