Beware: I am in an extremely cranky mood.

So don’t look at me funny or I’ll snap.

To answer the question that wasn’t quite asked…
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Elephant cam! This is the best thing I’ve seen all day. Elephants are the coolest animals ever.

Users rebel against Windows Vista. Well, duh. Vista sucks, that’s why. Here’s the petition.

Think Geek office products. I particularly like the paper e-mail, mostly because I think there’s a memo pad floating around here somewhere.

And not fun but interesting just the same: “Mental illnesses once thought to be the result of neurological or psychological defects may be caused by viral or microbial infections.” As someone who suffers from depression, OCD, and anxiety, I’m not sure if this makes me feel better or worse.

I’ve finally been able to get up early to spend time writing first thing in the morning. I think the new alarm clock helps–the gradual light wakes me up gently, which is really nice.

Yesterday I didn’t even try to work on my story. This morning I got a couple paragraphs written. Not fantastic, but it’s a start. I think the biggest problem is that I’ve reached the point where specific things need to happen, so I have to work those specific things in, instead of just letting the story unfold as I have been.

But mostly it’s good to be up early and writing, even if only a little.

We’ve ordered a bunch of new toys recently, for a variety reasons.

First up, we got pedometers. I chose the Omron HJ-112 Digital Premium Pedometer, because not only do they count steps, but they also calculate the number of miles you walked and the number of calories you burn. It also can calculate aerobic steps versus regular steps. Right now I have 10962 steps, which it calculates as 5.19 miles, but this is actually low, since my stride when I walk for exercise is slower than my casual stride. But since I know I walk approximately a 15 minute mile, I can just calculate that separately. It also tells me I’ve burned 361 kcals, but that just seems depressing.

AMENDUM the First:
One problem with it. To keep it from counting moving around, it doesn’t start counting until you’ve been walking for four seconds. This means that few of the steps I took today while teaching counted, since most of them were walking back and forth between the computer and the screen. So on my feet for two hours, but only a couple hundred steps.

But I can live with that.

I also ordered two Energy Saving Smart Strips With Autoswitching Technology. What the heck does that mean? It means that we can plug the computer into the control plug, the plug all the peripherals into other plugs, and when we turn off the computer, the other plugs for the monitor, scanner, etc have their power cut, so they don’t use energy. We’re thinking about getting one for the TV, but are not sure if that’ll cause problems for my grandmother. (i.e. will remotes etc work?)

And although it hasn’t arrived yet, I have great hopes for the Bio-Brite SunRise Digital Alarm Clock Dawn / Dusk Simulator Clock with White Noise. I believe I complained to great extent last much about how much I hate daylight savings time. The biggest problem for me is that I have great difficulty getting up when it’s dark. It just seems terribly wrong somehow. (I also don’t sleep well when it’s light, which is why the bedroom window facing the road has a blackout shade.) My hope is that this will allow me to get up earlier in the morning. Not just because relaxing mornings are nice, but because the morning is the best time for me to write, so I have written nothing on my novel/story/whatever since Christmas. We’ll see what happens, but keep your fingers crossed for me.

So I’ve been vindicated!

Not only are flowers pretty and pleasant smelling, but they may also boost your mood!

So I have been justified in buying flowers all winter long! And in all the time and money I spend for my garden! Yippee!

Now if only my flowers were ready to bloom…

I’m having a crappy day. So here’s some old flower pr0n.

Unfortunately, that rose bush died last summer, but I did plant a nice rhododendron to take it’s place.

I just have to remind myself that in a few weeks the first of my flowers will start blooming, and this year I’m going to start taking pictures again. I bought a small tripod last year, but was too depressed to try it out. This year, I’m going to take LOTS of flower pr0n. Why? Because it’s fun.

It’s 37 degrees outside and has been raining all day.

We’d planned to go see the Arianna Huffington talk tonight, but it’s so crudy I don’t want to leave the house.

I could hope that it clears up, but it looks like we’re going to have crappy whether when we drive to Parkersburg tomorrow to visit my brother & his wife.

Maybe I’ll go crawl into bed with a book and pull the covers over my head and just ignore the weather.

And speaking of being blue…

I had my last happy doctor appointment this week. The guy who I was seeing is graduating in June, and is moving onto another rotation, and we talked and decided that really I’ve been handling things well since November, but have been too nervous about things going on in my life to go without training wheels, so to speak.

But although I have been down, it’s really to be expected, considering the death and illness I have been surrounded by for the past several months. And I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, to deal with the stress.

Basically, I just have to work through what’s been happening in it’s own time. The meds are taking the edge off, and allowing me the peace of mind to deal with the stress, so I’m not going over the edge. I have all the tools I need to get through this, I just have to be patient and work through everything.

So if I’m a little more down than usual, I’m allowed to be. Because I know that I’m going to come out the other side okay.

Because I know you were dying to know, I ended up getting 16 hours of sleep between Friday evening and Saturday evening. And 9 hours of sleep last night.

Now I feel like I’ll be wound up for the rest of my natural life.

But on the bright side, I don’t have the cold Michael came down with. I have, however, washed my hands seemingly continually since he started to get sick.

Also, I hadn’t mentioned in awhile that I’ve read quite a few books recently, so there are that many reviews up. Read both good mysteries and good supernatural fantasy. Which means that I’m trying to figure out what I want to read next, while the sequels to the books I read ship from Amazon. (Damn Amazon for it’s 4-for-3 sales!)

I’ve known for years that my depression is affected by the amount of sleep I get on a regular basis. And so I’ve been very careful to always get plenty of sleep–this week no exception.

However, apparently when one is under stress, “regular” amounts of sleep (about 7 to 7 1/2 hours for me) aren’t enough.

Yesterday we went to the gym after work, came home and ate dinner, and then after dinner I stretched out on the sofa to read. And immediately fell asleep. And slept until Michael woke me up to go to bed, where I slept for nine hours more.

That is a lot of sleeping, especially for someone who tries to get plenty of sleep on a normal basis.

So there you are. When you’re under stress, 7 to 8 hours of sleep may well not be enough.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to eat breakfast and run to the grocery store.

And then maybe come home for a nap.

There’s nothing like a little upbeat music to make things better. Of course people have different ideas of upbeat. My upbeat tends to be a bit on the angry side..

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Small update.

I talked to my happy doctor yesterday, and the conclusion is that my mood is a reasonable reaction to the events in my life, and not backsliding into depression.

So yay. I think.

However, last night I was told that my other grandmother’s health has taken a turn for the worse. I haven’t gotten much in the way of details, but it does seem serious. So that’s not so good.

Plus?

I have to go to the dentist this morning and get a filling replaced.

Happy Wednesday!

Feel free to share dental horror stories here, to make me feel better about my own trials and tribulations. Winner gets one of the cookies I made Monday.*

*You have to come to my house to pick up the cookie.

ADDENDUM the First:
Back from the dentist. If not for the fact that half of my entire freaking head is number from the damned Novicane (I think the dentist really likes Novicane entirely too much), it wasn’t too bad.

Except for the fact I can’t actually eat lunch now, because I can’t feel my mouth, and don’t need to get food and drool all over myself.

That’s the thing about depression. It sneaks up on you when you aren’t paying attention, and just when you think that everything’s hunky dory, BAM.

Okay, it’s not quite that bad, but I’ve been in a funk for the past week that I just can’t seem to shake. Worst part is I know what’s wrong, but it’s all out of my control. Which is not such a good thing for someone with OCD.

So lemme get it all out and see that gets it off my mind.

First and foremost is the recurring issue that I’m not going to bring up in a public space. Michael and I spent a lot of time discussing this issue this evening, and I’m once again back to the mantra, “it’s not me, it’s her.”

Secondly, something I haven’t much talked about, is that several older women in my life are seriously ill and or dying. Michael’s grandmother has slowly failing kidneys, and has been refusing dialysis for the past year, so it’s only a matter of time. She’s in a nursing home, and with her physical problems, doesn’t get out of bed very much.

Then my cousin’s grandmother (I actually spent a lot of time with my cousin’s grandparents when I was younger. They were a lot of fun.) suffered a series of small strokes, and is now under hospice care in a nursing home. I was sent a picture two weeks ago, and was shocked to see how thin she has become. It’s hard, because she wants to go home, but that’s is physically impossible at this point.

The just before New Year’s, my other grandmother had a series of small strokes, and is currently in a rehab center. She is also apparently suffering from dementia, and her lucidity comes and goes.

And then there is the fact that I have a horrible phobia of nursing homes. As in, it’s so bad just the idea of going into one freaks me out (as in nausea and hyperventilating freaking out), and I haven’t set foot in one since I was eight. (Long story at an impressionable age) So: guilt and depression.

That is not to say that I’ve done nothing. I write weekly, and we send flowers regularly, to cheer up their rooms. But it’s not the same as being there. And being me, I always feel like there is more I should be doing.

Is there anything I could plausibly be doing? I don’t know. Is there anything else I should be doing? Probably not if I want to retain my sanity. Are there things I should be doing? Yeah, I need to do a better job safeguarding my own mental health. Problem is, taking care of myself feels like I’m wasting time when I could be doing something more useful for other people, even though I know I do a crappy job taking care of others when I’m depressed. (Hey! Catch 22!)

So what do I do? Take my meds. Exercise. Write my letters. Send flowers. Take care of myself. Relax.

Why are these things always easier said than done?

Anway, to cheer myself up this evening, I made a batch of Jeri’s “Ought to Be Illegal Cookies.” I don’t know if they’re quite as good as the double chocolate cookies I make with peanut butter chips (also from the Alice Medrich book.) but they are pretty darn good, and they hit the spot. And now I have something to take to work tomorrow for Mardi Gras.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I think it’s time for a hot relaxing shower, and then some time to curl up and read before bed.

I’m feeling cruddy, and was looking for a picture of “The Pit of Despair” to describe how I was feeling today, when I got distracted and found a Princess Bride quiz.

Surprising no one, I’m Valerie.

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Perhaps my day will become better, now that I’m in the mood to follow Michael around the house going, “LIAR! LIAR! LIIIIIAAAAAAAR!”

(I’m not a witch I’m your wife!)