That’s right folks, happiness is contagious.

Just remember, I’m here for your health.

Went back to the gym today after more than a week off. Discovered I gained three pounds on vacation. This isn’t surprising, considering how much we ate, and how many days we had of doing next to nothing.

However, I mention this fact because it brought to mind the fact that I have no body image.

Seriously.

120 and 155 all look the same to me, and the only difference is how my clothes fit. So I have almost no gauge as to how I look. Doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to figure it out, however, looking in the mirror only causes me to look for flaws (thus we don’t have a full length mirror in the house).

The scale is also a problem, which is why I don’t have one in the house, and why I try to step on the scale only a couple times a week at the gym. Because lacking a body image, the only thing I really have to go by are the numbers on the scale, and those aren’t exceedingly reliable (water retention anyone?)

So how does some one develop a realistic body image? How do I learn what the numbers on the scale really mean? I know that my BMI is perfectly normal, but again, what does that mean? How do I learn to see myself as others see me? Is there even such a thing as an objective opinion on weight and body size?

The rational part of my brain goes, “this is unimportant and doesn’t matter in the slightest,” however, the OCD part of my brain grasps onto those numbers and wants to know what they truly mean. The rational part of my brain goes, “it doesn’t matter, stop thinking about it,” while the OCD part of my brain goes, “think of all those horribly dressed college students you see throughout the day. You don’t want to end up like THAT do you?” (Like that I mean dressing in a completely unflattering matter. So many females would be gorgeous if they dressed in something other than the “current styles.”)

So how do I learn these things? How do I internalize something that is completely external?

(And the first person to tell me “you look fine,” gets a smack. That’s not what this post is about.)

Well, it’s Sunday night (you didn’t really think I wrote all those 8:00 AM posts that early did you?!) and I’m still tired and cranky.

Despite a long nap on Saturday and sleeping in on Sunday.

Not sure what this means for work on Monday (or today when you’re reading this) but I doubt it’s good. if it wasn’t so hot I’d go make some cookies, but it’s almost 9:00 PM and it’s 79 F outside, which means it’s really too hot to turn on the oven. I spent all summer looking at countertop toaster/convection ovens, and think I’d really like one, but we spent enough this summer that I couldn’t justify the expense.

But I think I will get one before next summer, because it would be really nice to be able to make a single batch of cookies without heating up the entire house. Especially since I tend to keep frozen cookie dough balls in the freezer. So if anyone has one or has any recommendations, let me know.

Now I think I’m going to curl up and think of all the chocolate baked desserts I’m going to make once it gets cooler.

(Under the cut, because Imeem seems to delay page loading.)

(more…)

We apologize, but we are unable to entertain you today.

Please accept one of the following excuses:

I am unable to be entertaining because the cat ate my mouse.
I am unable to be entertaining because 12 pounds of cat is demanding my attention.
I am unable to be entertaining because the cat got behind my computer and pulled out all the plugs.
I am unable to be entertaining because I cannot see my computer screen.

Once you have selected your desired excuse, please move into the lounge and relax until entertainment returns.

Sorry, but twice in one week I’ve got nothing for you.

It’s been a long two weeks at work, I’m still a bit freaked out after my encounter with 27″ TV Guy, and today was the last weekend before students come back, so we did a lot of stocking up ($400 split between cleaning supplies and sundries at Target and groceries at Giant Eagle kind of stocking up.) Add running Grandmom around to that, and the laundry that needs done, and I’m burnt out.

My creative engines are out of gas.

In the meantime, I’ll steal a page from Janiece and MWT and Eric and let you ask me questions if you so desire. Ask anything you want, but realize you’ll only be getting PG-13 answers. :)

So what did I do this weekend? Slept in (both days) went to the movies, went grocery shopping, cleaned house, did the laundry, and read some books.

So why am I still tired?

Because I need a break is why. It’s been too long since I’ve had a real vacation, and I’ve got another month before I get to take one. (But that’s all! Ack! One month! Janiece and Anne, are we still on for getting together? [Great, now I’m more tired thinking about everything I need to do.]) Yes, Michael and I took Wednesday afternoon off, but it’s reached the point where I need more than an afternoon off and a weekend (which still contains chores and such.)

Why is down time such a difficult thing? I know I need to take it. I know that when I don’t take it I start to lose control of my mental health. Yet I can’t stop thinking about all the things I need to be doing and should be doing.

I think I really just need an off switch for my brain.

While I am amused by the “Things that Irk Me” Lists and understand how cathartic they can be, it’s not safe for me to think about things that either make me sad or make me angry, as I don’t need to make myself more sad or angry than I already am.

So instead, you get a list of things that make me happy. Because everyone needs more happy. Especially me.

So some things that make me happy are:

My cat being cute. He has a bad attitude most of the time, so when he does something cute I can’t help but smile.

Snow. I love new fallen snow. I love how it covers everything. I love seeing an expanse of new fallen snow on a moonlit night. Could there be anything more beautiful in nature?

New books by my favorite authors. Not just any author, but those who time and again have drawn me into their worlds away from y own. I love a new adventure with characters as familiar as old friends.

My garden. Yes, I could have done many things better, and am always considering possible improvements, but I love looking around and seeing the fruits of my labors blooming from spring to fall.

Flowers. Not just the flowers in my garden, but almost any flower. I love looking at them, I love smelling them (except lilies, they give me a headache), I love sending them to people I love to brighten their day. It’s hard to be gloomy in a room that has a vase of flowers.

Chocolate. Good chocolate. I love the sensation of taking a bite of dark chocolate and having it melt on my tongue. I love the crunch of nuts in brownies and moist chocolate cookies. I love the icy chill of chocolate ice cream.

Teaching. Not the whole process, because that is sometimes frustrating, but I love the moment when I am teaching someone and they suddenly get it. I love to hear people gasp and go, “you can do that?” I love it when people walk away from me knowing more than they knew before, and knowing something that will make their lives better, if only in a little tiny way.

My husband. :) Not because he gives me gifts (lets not even discuss his ability to find gifts). Not because he gives me flowers (he doesn’t). Not even because he allows me to be myself, (though that is a very good thing). What makes me happy is that he is my center and my sanity he contains the things missing from me and makes me into a whole person. A whole and sane person.

Apparently, malaise is contagious over the Internet.

I’m going to take a lunchtime walk, and hopefully that’ll make me feel better.

ADDENDUM the First:
Now I’m shifting from cranky to pissed off.

You may possibly wonder why someone who is 38 celebrates her birthday (and Christmas) as if she was in elementary school. I mean, birthdays are just marking one year older, right? What’s there to get excited about?

Well, there are two reasons behind it.

First, as many of you know, I have suffered from depression since I was sixteen.

Second, my grandfather died days before my fifth birthday.

I know. Michelle, you’re thinking, that’s really depressing. Are you trying to relive your childhood or something to make up for past misery?

As amusing as that idea may be, no. See, it’s like this. After my grandfather died, my family made sure that his funeral would not be on my birthday. My memories of my 5th birthday are that I got an InchWorm and had a Holy Hobby ice cream cake. In retrospect I can see in my memories that people didn’t seem as happy as they usually were, but it was my day, and I had a great new toy (I have *no* idea how my parents got the inchworm from Baltimore to Morgantown, with a 5 year old, a new born, and a dachshund in the back of a Volkswagen bug, but that’s a subject for another time.). The point is that despite everyone’s misery, they made a point to let me have a happy birthday.

What I have learned from this, as I’ve grown older, is you have to take joy wherever you find it. Little things or big things it doesn’t matter. From checking the mail to new flowers to growing a year older, there are always things to enjoy, if I only stop and think about them.

Yeah, some days it’s hard. But the thing is that happiness can be a routine just like anything else. Even on days I’m feeling bad, I can feel my spirits lift, even if it’s just a little, as I go to the mailbox. Because until I open the mailbox and sort through the mail, anything could be there. A check, a new magazine to read, a letter. So how can I not be happy at the possibility of something good awaiting me? And if it’s a bill? I can be happy that we have enough money to pay our bills and live without worry.

Is this a foolish way to live? Perhaps. But I think it’s better than the alternative.

So if you feel up to it, do a little happy dance for me today. Just a small one. And if you make someone else smile, then you’re doubling the amount happiness in the world, even if just for a few moments.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to get many good pictures of the flowers currently in bloom.

Part of that is because it’s been raining so much, but another part is that masses of flowers seem harder for me to photograph than a single flower.

Ah well.

(more…)

I’m still feeling moderately crappy, so I decided it was time to pull out the big guns.

I picked up fresh organic strawberries today, I have whipping cream, and I just prepared (minus the baking) molten lava chocolate cakes.
(more…)

(skulks into office)

(closes and locks door)

(slouches down in chair)

ADDENDUM the First:
Michael and I are going out to lunch, and then we aren’t coming back.

Hopefully a long lunch, perhaps a drink or too, and then maybe browsing the bookstore or else sitting on the front porch reading will do the trick.

ADDENDUM the Second:
Went out to lunch and had a foofy drink (something coconut flavored and with fruit) and my favorite lunch (pecan crusted chicken salad with dried cranberries. Yum!) had chocolatey dessert, went and bought some good chocolate at Slight Indulgence, and came home to discover that the third (of three) Serenity comic was here.

So I’ve been sitting on the deck reading since I got home.

I still may need more chocolate, but I am much better than I was earlier. Thanks for all your suggestions.

Now I believe I have some more reading to do. And some double chocolate cookies to eat.

I’m now tired and cranky.

(stomps off)