I came across this entry, The Life of a Rabbit, via Real Live Preacher, which put me close to tears (not a good thing at work).
It’s been two weeks since Slate died, and I still feel somewhat foolish for missing her as much as I do. Yes, she’d been a family pet for 18 years, but I was not at home for many of those years, and she only lived with me for about eight months.
I keep thinking about her death. How she died as we were holding her, and I hope that she could feel that, but I’m not sure. It was her eyes that upset me the most. Even before her heart stopped beating, she must have stopped blinking, and her eyes lost their intelligence, and their smooth film. They stared, unseeing, at I don’t know what, and the liquid on them started to solidify. It pained me to look at it.
But I did.
And we kept petting her until we could not longer feel a heartbeat.
I went to get one of the Vet Techs, just to make sure. I felt the need to explain, that we hadn’t come because we thought they could help her or cure her, but because I didn’t want her to die in pain, to suffer.
But I couldn’t speak coherently.
They were very nice, and took her away and put her in a box, and we took her out to my parent’s house, so they could bury her out there.
Then I did my level best not to think about it, to push it all from my mind. But reading that post today brought it all back. Her eyes staring at nothing, her slight body going still.
And I miss her, even as if feel stupid to do so. We have two other cats, but they’re different. Kat usually hates to be held and petted (unless we have just gotten out of the shower, then he’s our best friend.) Kit likes to be petted, but is still a complete spaz, unable to lie still for more than a few moments at a time. But Slate would lie in my lap for hours at a time, whether I was petting her or not. There was something unbelievably relaxing about that.
And now she’s gone and I miss her.