Random (but not really)

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

How I became a Woman of International Intrigue and Mystery

I woke up this morning to discover that the UCF has been outed. I expect the phone to start ringing off the hook any minute; perhaps I can get Valerie Plame to give me some advice on dealing with all the press now that my life of secrecy is over.

So what is this secret organization I have been involved in?

We are a government funded organization created to promote the anti-anti-LHC agenda. Or so say the insane psychopaths at the LHC “facts” website. Unfortunately, I only recently discovered that we’re government funded, and am going to have to talk to Nathan (our fearless leader) about back pay. (You hear that Nathan? Gimme my money or I’m coming after your toaster!)

You see, all that stuff about Sophie from Shinola, Not-Sophie, International Hijack Day, Charlotte Misner, and even Tasty Tuesday are just a front.

So how did the UCF start? It was a dark and stormy night…

I was sitting at Starbucks minding my own business when he sat down across from me. Despite the dark glasses and cheap suit, the mustache was a give away.

“You?!” I gasped in surprise, “What are you doing here? Isn’t this a little bit off the beaten path for you?” I closed my laptop before he could get a good look a the screen.

“Listen,” he said, “I don’t have much time, but I want you back in the game. No recriminations, no second guessing, the past is the past.”

“Right,” I said, leaning back in my chair, “I saw what you had done to Eric after the ‘toaster incident.’ I’m not foolish enough to fall for your bullshit again.”

“No, really. We’re on the up and up this time!” He lowered his voice and looked around guiltily. “The incident with Eric was a terrible accident–Jim was taken care of for taking matters into his own hands.”

I leaned forward, “and what price did you pay for your part in this? I know what happened to Jim. But I never heard anything about you paying your due.”

He lowered his glasses, and I was shocked by the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. “I paid. Trust me. I paid.” He slid the glasses back up his nose. “And we’ve brought Eric back from the dead. It took some doing, as we had to regenerate his fingertips and all, but we did it. And Jim is back into fighting trim as well. The bionic parts we got him have made him twice the man he was before.”

I looked down at my laptop, and shifted it to be squared with the edge of the table. “And what do I get out of this? I told you when I left I didn’t want any part of your schemes.” I stared into his lenses. “And more importantly, who else do you have and how’d you get ’em? If you brought back Eric and upgraded Jim I can see the hold you’d have on them. But that’s only a small part of the team.”

He laughed, “Oh I’ve got ’em all. I’m still in negotiations with MWT and Anne, and I’ve got some people I think we can bring in later, but I’ve mostly got the group back together.”

“Even Janiece?” I asked incredulously.

“Janiece, Kim, Jeri, Vince, Tania, Shawn, Tania, John and Matt. We’ve even got an international division.”

“So Janiece is in. How’d you convince her?”

“That’s between me and Janiece,” he said, sitting up a little more straight. I could see I wasn’t going to get anything else out of him.

“Lemme think about it. Call Janiece myself and see what she has to say. Then I’ll get back to you. You still using the same drops?”

“Yeah. We’re on the cheap this time.”

“Shit,” I said slouching down in my chair, “you want me to do this for free? I’ve got expenses y’know.”

“We’ve got fringe bennies,” he said. “I can get you and Shawn some extra money from the tech budget. We’ve got a slew of new toys.”

“Really?” That piqued my interest. “How can you afford the new toys?”

“Beta testing for the military. We try ’em out, and if they work for us, they get moved into production.”

“Nice,” I said. “Anything good?”

“I’ll tell you if you’re in.”

“Hell,” I said, “for new toys, I’m in.”

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