I’m not really back yet.

I mean, I’m posting some, but I don’t think I’m ready to go back to daily posts. I’m still tired, and I still don’t feel like I have my head screwed on straight.

I’ve been on and off anti-depressants since I was 19. I think I’ve tried most of the SSRIs that are out there by now, and was on a tri-cyclic before that.

As I mentioned previously, I maxed out three different meds in a year’s time. Part of me is starting to wonder why I even bother–why deal with the weight gain and the TMJ and everything else if all I’m going to get is the ability to live from day today?

Yes, yes. I know. I’m not planning on stopping my meds (if nothing else, the withdrawal symptoms are an argument in and of themselves) but I am starting to wonder how effective they are.

The most frustrating part is that despite doing everything right, I still feel as if my mood is at least partially out of my control. I exercise regularly. I’m active. I have a relatively healthy diet. I make a point to do activities I find relaxing. Yet it still feels like it’s getting away from me.

I suppose part of the problem is that there are issues that are out of my control; I can (and do) talk about those issues, but in those cases I am dependent upon others taking action (or not), which sometimes sabotages my efforts. (Before you ask, no, there isn’t anything I can do about these situations. All I can do is try and cope the best I can.)

In junior high I was transferred to a Catholic school where we had prayer every morning. In retrospect, the choice for the daily prayer was a little odd, but perhaps we were given that daily recitation in hopes that later in life we could return to it as needed.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Reinhold Niebuhr)

Serenity, courage, and wisdom. I could do worse than to seek those three on a daily basis.