The second part of our trip was Boston. We stayed with the kind and generous Tom who took us all over the area, and let me walk him into the ground. (We got 30k steps one day.) I particularly liked the USS Constitution.

The area was fascinating, but if we go back, it’ll be during the school year. When school is in session.

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It seems like years ago that we were on vacation, but it was just two weeks ago we returned. Here are some pictures, as an attempted return to normalcy.

We went to Niagara Falls. As a force of nature, the falls were impressive. And we quite enjoyed walking around Goat Island. I might like to see the falls in winter, but otherwise, I can’t say I have any burning desire to return.

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Last week on Facebook I made the following comment:

I didn’t cry once when I broke my ankle. I think I gasped during the x-rays, but otherwise? Nope.

How can this hurt so much worse?

When Grandmom died, I had a hard time. I missed her, but it was for selfish reasons. She’d been my North Star for my entire life, and without her I felt lost and cut adrift. Yet I knew she was tired and ready to die. She’d had 93 and a half years and was ready to go.

This loss, Ben’s death, is so very different and so much harder.

I’d mentioned before that Ben was like another little brother. I held him when he was a baby and babysat him when he was older. I went to his high school graduation and drove halfway across the damned country for his college graduation.

Just like a little brother he sometimes annoyed me, and I often didn’t understand him.

That’s an understatement.

In many ways, I don’t think it would be possible for us to be much more different. Ben loved taking risks and trying new things and meeting new people and going new places. I’m family-centered and anxious about everything. I quite literally could not even imagine myself doing the things he did. I stress out when confronted with talking to strangers and will often avoid parties, because the thought of trying to talk even to people I know stresses me out.

Which is kinda funny, because people are the center of my world. The core of my job is helping people, and I love doing it. I love helping people.

I just don’t know how to talk to them unless I’m being helpful.

Which is another part of what has made this so very hard.

I can’t help anyone–I can’t even help myself. I’m full of grief and anger and frustration that overwhelms me. I’d gladly break my other ankle or take any other kind of physical pain than continue to deal with this grief.

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. That’d just give me broken bones AND grief, which I’m pretty sure would suck even worse than what I’m feeling now.

How can something intangible hurt so damned badly?

NPR has an article, You Are What You Hear: What Your Favorite Music Says About You, that I thought would be nice to play along with.

Problem is, of course, that often these things depend upon both mood, and what’s happening in my life. I’m quite sure that if I answered this last month, some of the answers would be significantly different from what I’ll come up with today.

What was the first song you ever bought?
Prince’s Purple Rain soundtrack. That one’s easy and wouldn’t change.

What song always gets you dancing?
There are many here (and several that are out now that may make this list; only time will tell): Fishbone Housework, Mighty Mighty Bosstones The Impression that I Get, Moby South Side, The Guild (Do You Wanna) Date My Avatar, The Proclaimers I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles), They Might Be Giants Birdhouse in Your Soul, Tina Turner What You Get Is What You See, Cracker Lonesome Johnny Blues, Nickel Creek The Fox.

These are songs that I turn to time and again when I need to cheer up, or cheer me up when I hear them. Which I realize is not quite the same thing.

What song takes you back to your childhood?
Pete Seeger’s Guantanamera (from his Live at Carnegie Hall recording. That whole LP, really. I think Brian & I listened to it endlessly.) AND Fat’s Waller’s Hold Tight (Want Some Seafood Mama)

What is your perfect love song?
Storybook Love from The Princess Bride

What song would you want at your funeral?
Taliesin Orchestra’s version of Fanfare for the Common Man if it can’t be that specific, than the Quaker hymn, Simple Gifts

Time for an encore. One last song that makes you, you.
Bob Mould’s Sunspots from Workbook.

If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They may just run away from you

You’ll never know quite when, well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you

I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving

Take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something
I could of gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something

Take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up you make your round
But get up now, get up, get up now.

–Imagine Dragons

I like to imagine that’s how you felt at the top.

It’s so damned unfair you left the rest of us down here, with a huge aching void.