The whale watching was awesome. The aquarium was a bit of a disappointment. Newport Aquarium is still my favorite aquarium so far.

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The second part of our trip was Boston. We stayed with the kind and generous Tom who took us all over the area, and let me walk him into the ground. (We got 30k steps one day.) I particularly liked the USS Constitution.

The area was fascinating, but if we go back, it’ll be during the school year. When school is in session.

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It seems like years ago that we were on vacation, but it was just two weeks ago we returned. Here are some pictures, as an attempted return to normalcy.

We went to Niagara Falls. As a force of nature, the falls were impressive. And we quite enjoyed walking around Goat Island. I might like to see the falls in winter, but otherwise, I can’t say I have any burning desire to return.

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Last week on Facebook I made the following comment:

I didn’t cry once when I broke my ankle. I think I gasped during the x-rays, but otherwise? Nope.

How can this hurt so much worse?

When Grandmom died, I had a hard time. I missed her, but it was for selfish reasons. She’d been my North Star for my entire life, and without her I felt lost and cut adrift. Yet I knew she was tired and ready to die. She’d had 93 and a half years and was ready to go.

This loss, Ben’s death, is so very different and so much harder.

I’d mentioned before that Ben was like another little brother. I held him when he was a baby and babysat him when he was older. I went to his high school graduation and drove halfway across the damned country for his college graduation.

Just like a little brother he sometimes annoyed me, and I often didn’t understand him.

That’s an understatement.

In many ways, I don’t think it would be possible for us to be much more different. Ben loved taking risks and trying new things and meeting new people and going new places. I’m family-centered and anxious about everything. I quite literally could not even imagine myself doing the things he did. I stress out when confronted with talking to strangers and will often avoid parties, because the thought of trying to talk even to people I know stresses me out.

Which is kinda funny, because people are the center of my world. The core of my job is helping people, and I love doing it. I love helping people.

I just don’t know how to talk to them unless I’m being helpful.

Which is another part of what has made this so very hard.

I can’t help anyone–I can’t even help myself. I’m full of grief and anger and frustration that overwhelms me. I’d gladly break my other ankle or take any other kind of physical pain than continue to deal with this grief.

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. That’d just give me broken bones AND grief, which I’m pretty sure would suck even worse than what I’m feeling now.

How can something intangible hurt so damned badly?

NPR has an article, You Are What You Hear: What Your Favorite Music Says About You, that I thought would be nice to play along with.

Problem is, of course, that often these things depend upon both mood, and what’s happening in my life. I’m quite sure that if I answered this last month, some of the answers would be significantly different from what I’ll come up with today.

What was the first song you ever bought?
Prince’s Purple Rain soundtrack. That one’s easy and wouldn’t change.

What song always gets you dancing?
There are many here (and several that are out now that may make this list; only time will tell): Fishbone Housework, Mighty Mighty Bosstones The Impression that I Get, Moby South Side, The Guild (Do You Wanna) Date My Avatar, The Proclaimers I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles), They Might Be Giants Birdhouse in Your Soul, Tina Turner What You Get Is What You See, Cracker Lonesome Johnny Blues, Nickel Creek The Fox.

These are songs that I turn to time and again when I need to cheer up, or cheer me up when I hear them. Which I realize is not quite the same thing.

What song takes you back to your childhood?
Pete Seeger’s Guantanamera (from his Live at Carnegie Hall recording. That whole LP, really. I think Brian & I listened to it endlessly.) AND Fat’s Waller’s Hold Tight (Want Some Seafood Mama)

What is your perfect love song?
Storybook Love from The Princess Bride

What song would you want at your funeral?
Taliesin Orchestra’s version of Fanfare for the Common Man if it can’t be that specific, than the Quaker hymn, Simple Gifts

Time for an encore. One last song that makes you, you.
Bob Mould’s Sunspots from Workbook.

If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ’cause
They may just run away from you

You’ll never know quite when, well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you

I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but life keeps moving

Take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

I’ve tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on falling short of something
I could of gave up then but
Then again I couldn’t have ’cause
I’ve traveled all this way for something

Take it in but don’t look down
‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, hey
I’m on top of the world, hey
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, hey
Been holding it in for a while, hey
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up you make your round
But get up now, get up, get up now.

–Imagine Dragons

I like to imagine that’s how you felt at the top.

It’s so damned unfair you left the rest of us down here, with a huge aching void.

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?’ So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
— J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5 “A Late Delivery from Avalon”)

I was thinking about this quote today as I was walking. My walking partner was out, so I was listening to my mp3 player and trying not to think too much, which is when I mentally stumbled upon the remains of the above quote floating around my brain.

Then I come back to my desk to discover that Janiece has been paralleling some of my thoughts.

It’s strange, but I DO take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. The idea that ‘things happen for a reason’ fills me with horror. The very thought of it is repugnant to me: that God would be dealing out bad things and causing people–especially innocents–to suffer. I cannot accept the existence of such a being.

But if God set things into motion and then stood back to allow us to sort things out, much the way a parent must allow a child to make their own mistakes and live their own lives? That makes sense to me. That a God exists who allows us to make our own choices, even if those choices are bad, that makes sense to me. That God allows us to OWN our choices, be they good or evil, positive or negative or even neutral.

God did not create me broken. It is simply random chance. But within that I have the choice to overcome my brokenness or not. Some days I have the strength to do so, other days I don’t. But that’s okay. I think that God accepts me on the days I am broken as much as she accepts me during the times I am able to overcome. That kind of love gives me hope.

We all make our own choices, and we must live with the results of those decisions. But we are not immutable–we can change. We have the capacity to make decisions for good instead of evil, and that act of will fills me with hope.

Every time someone chooses to do good over evil, every time we witness a small kindness given without thought of reward, every time we overcome adversity… all these things fill me with hope.

It’s okay that the universe acts with general hostility and unfairness, because this hostile universe gives us the ability to act in a positive way. And when we choose to act to make the world a better place, all acts, be they large or small, fill me with hope.

It is this hope that gives me comfort.

And a video.

With you a part of me hath passed away;
For in the peopled forest of my mind
A tree made leafless by this wintry wind
Shall never don again its green array.
Chapel and fireside, country road and bay,
Have something of their friendliness resigned;
Another, if I would, I could not find,
And I am grown much older in a day.
But yet I treasure in my memory
Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease,
And the dear honour of your amity;
For these once mine, my life is rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be,–
What I keep of you, or you rob from me.

–George Santayana

My cousin Ben and his friend Gil were climbing in Peru. They did not return as expected, and a search is now being conducted.

I’m at a loss for words… all I can do is link to information that is already out there, and ask you to share this information in the hopes that we can find the planes, helicopters, and pilots we need to find them.

Satellite Images you can search for traces:

http://tomnod.com/gi/peru/

Facebook Group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/254231458013379/

Relevant News Stories:

http://www.chron.com/news/article/2-US-climbers-missing-on-Peru-high-peak-3740808.php

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/story/2012-07-27/missing-climbers-peru/56542122/1

I was ten when Ben was born, and he has been a part of my life since then.

Please help.

ADDENDUM the First:
My cousin Eric, Ben’s brother, has written a post with pictures of Ben and Gil as well as of the area and the tent as it was found by the search-and-rescue.

ADDENDUM the Second:

From Eric:

Update: in the next hour or so, a plane loaded with experienced climbers will scout Palcaraju, armed with satellite imagery and leads on the party’s possible location. In addition to scouting where we suspect the event happened, they will scout the rest of the mountain, too. Several rescue teams are on the ground at the base of the mountain in various locations, prepared to ascend to the location of the missing (hopefully soon to be found) climbers.

Please pray for the success of the operation.

Many thanks to those who scoured the satellite images looking for traces of Gil and Ben, and many thanks to all those in Peru who are contributing in any way.

Ricky Martin the Metal Chicken traveled with us on our vacation.

No, really.

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NPR YA Fiction Finalists

I can see I have a lot of reading ahead of me…
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Today’s word is: walking