OK. Enough of this depressing bullshit. Bad jokes. Tell ’em. As many as you want.

I’ll start with my favorite.

One atom second to a second atom, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

Next!

Today I am thankful for:
Michael
Hot tea
My wonderful and generous friends

I am thankful for:
modern medicine
hot showers
my baby brother

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth’s lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it’s music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness ’round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I’m clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

Wishing Well

Bob Mould, from Workbook

Wishing well runs wet and dry
I wish for things I never had
Surrounds and wells up in my eyes
The screaming voice, it lies
Wishing well gets someone’s attention
Every wish you ever had
In a day of nights, in the darkest of light
Sits and cries, watch the lies

Could you give me a wish if I tell you what I want?
Will the price be no object?
I wish for dreams of light
I live for wishing well surprise

Deepest light, the secret lies
Wishing well gives you all that you desire
Homes and trains, and the greenest of plains
That you ever happened upon
The silent wish, it calls you out
Calls you out by name
Lays upon the plain, on the mountain high
City lights, wish delights

What if the waters and wishes appear?
Will the price be no object?
I wish for dreams of light
I live for wishing well surprise

Twist and shape on the winding twine
Around the spindle winds
Wish again, four times again
Four wishes deep into the well

There’s a price to pay for a wish to come true
Trade a small piece of your life
Roots in the soil, uprooting the soil
Mountain high, the mountain high
The wish is only to speak a kind
Kind of word, so benign absurd
The well, three wishes run dry
Wishing well is dry
When no grass grows, the weeds run in line
Wish three wishes, three wishes run dry

Love this Life

Seal my fate
I get your tongue in the mail
No one is wise
Until they see how it lies
Love this life
Don’t wait till the next one comes
Pedal my faith
The wheels are still turning round, turn round

And maybe the day will come
When you’ll never have to feel no pain
After all my complaining
Gonna love this life
Gonna love this life

And so they threw you in jail
Whatever you’ve done
It was a million to tone
And don’t you just love this life
When it’s holding you down
Pedal my faith
The wheels are still turning round, turn round

So maybe the day will come
When you’ll never have to feel no pain
After all my complaining
Gonna love this life
Gonna love this life

There’s something that you can do
Even if you think that I hate you
Stop your complaining leave me defenseless
When you love this life
Gotta love this life
Love this life though you’ll never know why
Gonna love this life
Gonna love

I’m not really back yet.

I mean, I’m posting some, but I don’t think I’m ready to go back to daily posts. I’m still tired, and I still don’t feel like I have my head screwed on straight.

I’ve been on and off anti-depressants since I was 19. I think I’ve tried most of the SSRIs that are out there by now, and was on a tri-cyclic before that.

As I mentioned previously, I maxed out three different meds in a year’s time. Part of me is starting to wonder why I even bother–why deal with the weight gain and the TMJ and everything else if all I’m going to get is the ability to live from day today?

Yes, yes. I know. I’m not planning on stopping my meds (if nothing else, the withdrawal symptoms are an argument in and of themselves) but I am starting to wonder how effective they are.

The most frustrating part is that despite doing everything right, I still feel as if my mood is at least partially out of my control. I exercise regularly. I’m active. I have a relatively healthy diet. I make a point to do activities I find relaxing. Yet it still feels like it’s getting away from me.

I suppose part of the problem is that there are issues that are out of my control; I can (and do) talk about those issues, but in those cases I am dependent upon others taking action (or not), which sometimes sabotages my efforts. (Before you ask, no, there isn’t anything I can do about these situations. All I can do is try and cope the best I can.)

In junior high I was transferred to a Catholic school where we had prayer every morning. In retrospect, the choice for the daily prayer was a little odd, but perhaps we were given that daily recitation in hopes that later in life we could return to it as needed.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Reinhold Niebuhr)

Serenity, courage, and wisdom. I could do worse than to seek those three on a daily basis.

I’m tired. Exhausted even. So I’m going to take a break. A day? A week? No idea. But I need a vacation from a lot of things.

I’ll definitely still be twittering, and I’ll most likely post things here as they amuse me, but there will not be any regular content for awhile.

So.

For the third time in a year (ie 12 month period, not since Jan 1 of this year) I’ve maxed out the anti-depressant I’m on.

Doc gave me a choice of holding where I am, switching meds, or adding a second med to the mix.

I talked about the fact that I feel as if most of this is external (as opposed to just my brain giving me a hard time) and said I thought I’d like to hold where I am for a bit, to see if the veritable shit storms taper off.

So that’s where I am. Still in a holding pattern. You probably noticed that from the fact I’ve hardly had the gumption to write much for about the past year, but on the bright side, I am holding on, and maintaining altitude is better than crash and burn.

So now you know what’s up, and I appreciate your continued patience with me.

Today has been very Monday like.

All I have to say about it is that tomorrow had damn well better be fabulous.

Today? Today is a day of accomplishing things and of money soon coming in.

First, we got back the results of our health screening from last week. PEIA does a thing where they cut you a check for being healthy. Michael and I both scored 100 out of 100, so we’ll both be getting $50 checks! Woot!

As far as my results, they were overall worse than last year, but the higher blood pressure is directly related to increased stress at work and at home, and I’d bet the slightly increased cholesterol is related to the ever increasing does of antidepressants, as did the slight uptick in my BMI. (OK, the fact I had two brownies and ice cream the night before probably didn’t help.) But despite the upticks, I am still in excellent health–and hope that next year’s numbers go back to the range of last year’s.

The second thing was I filed our federal taxes. Got our W2s online, but I needed Michael to get me his student loan interest and the mortgage interest statements before I could file.

Amusing tidbit here. You need to enter the amount of interest you earn on any interest bearing accounts. However, I only had $0.06 interest on our local savings account, which rounded to zero, which the program didn’t like.

Since I again bought the HR Block software, I again had 5 free e-files, so taxes are gone, and hopefully our return will be winging it’s way back soon. (Why did I spend money on tax software? Because I also have to do Grandmom’s taxes, and I’d really rather not take any chances there.)

Now before someone pitches a snit about my liberal tendencies and taxes and such, Michael and I both overpay throughout the year–we both file as single. I’d much rather overpay through the year and get a big return than have to take a hit in April, so it works out well for us. I’m also sure there are lots and lots of things we could do to increase our return. But I don’t particularly care, so why bother with the headache?

So hooray for getting things done, and an even bigger cheer for the money that’ll be filtering in over the next couple months. Wheee!

So yay for Wednesday–better than Monday and Tuesday!

But just to be safe, I think I’ll remain in hiding.

Leave a dish of milk out for me if you think about it.