And we’re back to work.

It was an exciting vacation. I baked–a lot. And I branched out from cookies and made breads as well: challah, Italian bread, pumpkin bread, and cranberry walnut bread.

We had the family Christmas gathering which was insane and chaotic but also a lot of fun. (We made Lithuanian cookies again, which added to the insanity–and the mess.)

And I got some fun loot. I learned my lesson this year, and picked out my large gifts myself, so Michael gave me a wonderful new pair of boots. I had wanted a new pair of snow boots, but couldn’t find any, and found these instead.

They are incredibly comfortable. I love them!

And of course I got books. Amusingly, my brother and Michael both got me the same books (well, Brian got me more books, but every book Michael got me, Brian also got me).

We did have some excitement: Kat (who is declawed mind you) got pissy with Grandmom and swatted her with enough force to break the skin. So that eventually led to a trip to Urgent Care and antibiotics.

And Kat in the dog house (so to speak).

All in all, the holidays were enjoyable, and I am very glad I took the full two weeks off. Back to work today, but luckily it’s another week before the students come back, so I can ease into things.

So. Depression, blah blah blah, upped my meds, blah blah blah.

Same old song and dance there.

What’s new is that Thursday I have an appointment to see if we can figure out what the hell happened to put me in the ER Monday night.

Yes, I feel fine. I felt fine Monday night actually. But I’d like to make sure that this incident was an aberration and not something that is going to need further inquiry.

Also, after following the various medical trials and tribulations of my friend Shawn, I am very glad that I have excellent health care providers, and live in an area where there are a variety of doctors–both general practice and specialists–that I can see.

Sure you don’t wanna move to Morgantown Shawn?

This is one of those songs.

I came across an article discussing at the results of a study of antidepressants.

The study found that the anti-depressant Paxil (and in theory all SSRIs) do more than alleviate the patient’s depression, it found that the anti-depressant actually changed the personality of those taking the drug.

In the study, people who took Paxil (paroxetine), a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), had a drop in neuroticism, which is a tendency toward emotional instability and negative mood. They also had an increase in extraversion, which is a tendency toward outgoingness, compared to similarly depressed people taking placebo.

As someone who takes anti-depressants, am I unsure how I feel about this.

The drugs I am changing may well be changing my entire personality, and not just alleviating my depression? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Part of me is disturbed by the idea of a personality change, but the greater part of me enjoys being more outgoing, and I definitely prefer being emotionally stable to the alternative. (I’m prone to mood swings anyway, and if they annoy me, I’m sure they’re far worse for those around me.)

So emotional stability is a good thing, and for me, an increase in extroversion is a good thing. But is it possible someone could decide that introversion itself is something that should be treated? Would it be acceptable to treat someone with an SSRI because they are introverted, even if they aren’t depressed? Would an SSRI even affect the introversion of someone who was not depressed?

As usual, I have no answers, only more questions. But for me, I’m pleased with the effect that the anti-depressant I am taking has upon both my mood and personality, so I’ll take that as a good thing.

So.

One of the things that briefly came up with the doctor at my last visit was caregiver burnout.

In that it may be contributing to my inability to get my OCD and anxiety under control.

Here’s the thing. My grandmother doesn’t require nursing or skilled care. She is capable of performing most ADL (activities of daily living) on her own, so it’s not physically taxing.

Which makes me feel (of course) guilty about thinking I might have caregiver burnout, since I don’t physically have to do anything.

But it is emotionally draining, and I need to give myself permission to be accepting of that.

It’s a hard thing though, because it’s a different form of weakness than I’m used to admitting to, and it feels like something I should be able to manage.

There are other things, of course, but they fall under the realm of things that I Will Not Discuss Here (things involving other people).

But that’s where I am–trying to deal with this new realization, and see if I can come up with some other solutions to my add to what I’m already doing to keep myself on an even keel.

But tomorrow? Tomorrow starts the relaxing.

As mentioned previously, I’ve been struggling to write blog posts. So… What would you like me to write about?

Anyone?

Please?

So. Here we are once again. Face to face with the ugly truth that I’m just not doing as well as I should be.

Why haven’t I been talking about it? Honestly, because I’m reaching the point where I’m starting to feel whiny about it. I should be better, but I’m not. I feel like everyone else should be as tired of this bullshit as I am–so I don’t want to write about it.

I know things are bad because I pretty much spent the month of September sick. Thing about mental health is it affects your physical health, and that’s a vicious little circle, because who feels well mentally when they’ve been sick? And of course it’s hard to exercise when when you’re sick, which creates yet another negative feedback look.

So, no fun there.

Add to that, I keep getting stuck in ruts somewhat of my own demise–computer games (the few I do play) are a nasty suck for me, and it’s been bad recently (I can play solitaire for hours and hours, but I recently added Bejeweled into the mix. Great idea that.) That makes things worse, since I’m then frustrated that I’m not doing things like baking or reading or cleaning the house or… well, just about anything besides playing the damned games.

Additionally, work has been incredibly stressful since May. I kept hoping that as the major project wound down things would get better, but the project seemed to go on forever, and other things kept (and keep) cropping up to exacerbate the situation. I’m doing what I can, but unfortunately, much of this situation is out of my control. But I’m trying to change the things that are under my control, so we’ll see how that goes.

And trying to post here has been unusually difficult. I’ve been keeping this blog (in various incarnations) since 2002, and although I go through phases where I have a hard time writing, it feels like I’ve been struggling since summer. Which is too damned long.

What have I been doing about it? First, my doc and I have been changing my meds around. I’m on Zoloft now, and we just increased the dosage. Again. And I’ve still got room to go up again if this doesn’t do it. I’m finally getting back to the gym (of course yesterday was a no go, because of the game, but at least I walked home).

Am I going to give up writing here? Hell no. This started solely as a writing exercise for me, and I’m not going to give up on it. Will posts continue to suck in the interim? Almost certainly. I just ask that you bear with me, and if you have ideas for posts you’d like me to write, please send them along. I need all the inspiration I can get.

So that’s where things are right now. I’m holding, but hope to get things off the ground soon.

I know, I know. It seems like forever since I’ve written a real post, and have even fallen down on keeping up with the regular series posts I make.

My excuse is I’ve been sick, and it’s been a very long summer that has rolled into an equally difficult fall.

It’s strange. I started this oh so many years ago to write about things that were bothering me, but now I find that many of the things that bother me I can’t write about. Specifically, work and family, and if you remove those things what do you have left? Well, ok, politics and religion, but I just don’t feel up to those subjects right now.

On the personal front, my depression isn’t too bad, but my OCD is bugging the crap outta me. I keep thinking things will settle down once my life settles down, however, it is beginning to feel like this level of stress and annoyance is the new normal. I need to do something about that probably.

So yeah. I’ve been kinda crummy and supremely uninspired, but I’ll try and do better. At the very least I’ve already written two posts for later this week, so you’ve got that.

How do I know my mental health hasn’t been the best recently–because I’m home right now with a cold.

Here’s the thing, physical health and mental health are closely linked, even if people don’t always recognize that fact. I take good physical care of myself–I exercise, I eat well, I try to make sure I get enough sleep–in other words, my immune system should be in good shape, since those are the things you need to do to remain physically healthy.

But since this last bout of depression, I’ve gotten a cold or the flu about twice a year. Why? Because mental health has a huge affect upon physical health.

Stress, anger, frustration, all of these things affect the immune system negatively, and when subjected to high levels of these stressors for a long period of time, the body often reacts by getting sick.

To be honest, I’m surprised I haven’t gotten sick sooner than this–I’ve been under a lot of stress this summer. I’ve tried to deal with it in a healthy manner, but apparently it got the better of me. So now I’m sitting at home feeling awful, which is my body’s way of saying, “slow the hell down!”

OK body. I heard you. I’ve slept about 18 of the last 24 hours. I realize that my manner of dealing with the stress in my life has not been productive. But I’ve changed my anti-depressant and will make sure I exercise every week day.

So can I go back to being healthy now? Because this laid up with a cold thing really sucks.

So… another doctor’s appointment, another medication.

The depression has been okay recently, but the OCD and anxiety not to much. And I’ve been terribly achey for the past month or so, which is not doing much for the anxiety and my ability to relax. SSRIs give me TMJ, but right now all my muscles are tense and unable to relax, which is uncomfortable and unhelpful.

Work has been crushingly busy, and although aspects of it are frustrating, I do really enjoy what I do. My only problem is that although I am good at being a people person, it’s very difficult for me. And exhausting. Especially when dealing with unhappy or frustrated people. And I got a fair amount of those this week. So I’ve been exhausted by the time I get home. Not depressed per se–not really–but unable to do little more than collapse on the sofa when I get home.

But on the bright side, I’m getting lots of exercise, and exercise is good for my depression!

So that’s where I am. Tapering off one med and onto another. We’ll see how this one goes.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Several friends have recently started diet and exercise programs, and that got me thinking.

I have a somewhat ambivalent attitude towards “diet” as watching what you eat, but am a huge proponent of exercise.

First, I most likely have a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder. Because of my tendencies to obsess, I do not own a scale or a full length mirror, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. If I don’t see the numbers I can’t obsess over them. If I can’t see myself, I can’t look for flaws.

I do, however, focus (obsess even?) on the health aspect of exercise and diet (not in the sense of eat this and get thin, but in the sense of this is what you need to eat to be healthy.) Why? Because I was 28 when I had my first friend die of an undiagnosed heart condition. Since then I have had a multiple friends lose family members due to undiagnosed and untreated health conditions–people who on the surface were completely healthy.

So health is important to me, but I don’t buy the idea that weight is the most important indicator of health status. What I do believe is important is a healthy diet and keeping active.

I haven’t eaten mammals for coming up on twenty years–that’s more than half my life. The reason I stopped eating mammals was for ethical issues–I believe that we are required to treat animals ethically, and as I’ve noted many times before, the food industry does not, in fact, behave ethically when it comes to the animals or even humans.

Aside from that, I eat what I like and what I think tastes good. But that last bit is the kicker: I bake and decided long ago junk food was a poor substitute for what I can make at home. Why eat products that are artificial when I can make things that taste so much better? Can everyone do that? Perhaps not. But I can guarantee that goodies from a local bakery are going to taste better than the products with a shelf life of years.

Is this more expensive or time consuming Yes. But as I said, I want to eat things that taste good, not just because they are there.

And then there’s exercise.

As I’ve noted before, exercise is one of the ways I treat my depression, and that has kept me exercising when I’d just as soon give it up. It forces me to go to the gym when I’d rather go home and collapse on the sofa.

My exercise plan started out modestly: some friends and I would walk at lunch time. Did it more days than not, but rarely five days a week. Then I switched jobs, and that 30 minutes a day walking morphed into a way to keep in touch with my friend at my old job. I left that job nine years ago, yet excluding her pregnancy, my friend Kim and I have continued to walk for half an hour at lunch.

This walking isn’t just exercise, it’s our chance to keep up, and our break from the day. It’s when I try and reframe the crappy events of the day into amusing stories. And yes sometimes we bitch and complain, but for my, this time is a haven in the middle of the day. And eventually, even when she can’t walk with me, I walk for 30 minutes by myself with my mp3 player. Why? Because that break in the middle of the day is far more important than I first thought. If I’m in the office, I can be asked questions. I’m looking at my computer. I can hear the phone ring. I can see e-mails coming in. When I’m walking that is 30 minutes I am away from my desk. Yes, I do get stopped in the halls, but I’ve discovered that most people are loathe to interrupt my time and conversations with Kim, so questions tend to take a few seconds–something very different from when I’m walking the halls normally.

And eventually I discovered that I felt a lot better on days when I walked at lunch. So then I started adding in a trip to the gym. First just to walk, but after awhile I started adding in the machines for weight training as a break from walking. But I kept it up because it made me feel better.

And that, truly, is what I believe you have to do if you want to be healthy. You have to find an exercise that you like, and then do it every work day, five days a week (or seven days a week, but I think seven days a week is unreasonable.) Why every day? Because it’s too easy to slip into the pattern of, “Oh, I’m really (whatever) today, I’ll do it tomorrow.” And then you’re maybe doing it one day a week, and then you don’t bother at all. Because every day the (whatever) may change, but it’s always something. There is always something “better” to do than go to the gym, so (excluding illness and injury) there are no free days.

Because when you come right down to it, there is nothing better I can do than take care of myself.

So it dawned on my today that one of the reasons I’m feeling not so hot is that I’m almost certainly having side effects from the anti-depressant. Specifically, muscle aches.

For the past month–despite the fact I stretch for 10 to 15 minutes after I exercise (I highly recommend it–it’s the wind down portion of my day), my muscles have tight and tense and sore. Not an in-your-face kinda sore, more like a general uncomfortableness, especially in my legs and back.

Essentially, my muscles feel like they won’t relax at all.

So, when I go back to the happy doctor, I think I’m going to request yet another medication switch. Because I have a feeling my exhaustion may be tied into this, since I’m probably not sleeping as well as I could be.

So humph. But it could always be worse.

I don’t actually know if today is going to be rough and miserable, but chances are I’m going to have hard day.

As I mentioned in passing Saturday, I am having a difficult time gauging my depression. Work is incredibly busy, so I’m exhausted by the end of the day. But I love what I’m doing, so it’s a good kind of exhaustion. On the other hand, I have been having issues with my OCD, probably because of the stress I’m under at work.

I feel kinda bad, because most of my posts are being written Sunday night, and I’m relying heavily on following patterns and posts that follow a regular weekly schedule. Mostly because my brain is fried and I feel incapable of being creative right now–at least in writing. I have to admit that I’m still pleased with the flower pr0n I took over the weekend. I think it’s because it uses a different part of my brain.

And there are plenty of things that are making me smile. My flowers are doing very well, and I’m able to sit back and enjoy them (which is good, because the idea of doing actual gardening right now is overwhelming).

I also re-read a fantasy series that I love (Thursday’s post will be all about that) and although Anne tormented me by suggesting making oreos, which I’m too tired to do right now, I did make a very delicious pizza (Tuesday’s post)

But what do I really want right now? A vacation. I’d love to be able to get away for a week and do nothing but relax. I’ll just have to see what happens though, since July is the only time Michael can get away from work.

So, enough about me, how have you been?