So I finally got into see the happy doctor today. (This was a rather long and convoluted process that involved getting an appointment with my regular doctor, and then eventually having him get me an appointment with the happy doctor.)

She’s increased my meds by half again, and we’re going to see how I do over the course of the next for weeks.

However. I’m already taking the maximum effective dosage for my anti-depressant, which is why my regular doctor couldn’t help me, since he didn’t want to change my meds. I also had discovered this on my own over the weekend when discussing different medications with a friend.

So I’m not trying to be negative, but I’m not actually expecting this medication increase to help much. But it won’t hurt. And it puts off having to try a different medication and the possibility of another Wellbutrin debacle. (Wellbutrin is counter-indicated for anxiety. I hadn’t realized until then that I was suffering from anxiety.)

So I’m still chugging along. I could really do without the despair sessions in the evenings, but perhaps the med boost will help alleviate them. And the increase in OCD symptoms.

So wish me luck. And wish Michael luck too, since he’s the one who has to put up with me.

First: I’m OK. Don’t freak out. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

Just trying to work through, and this is today’s effort.

This is what it’s like for me: depression.
(more…)

And I wasn’t even at work until today!

I’ve taken a mini vacation from work to try and get myself together. Didn’t go anywhere, and the strenuous activities were cleaning out the fridge/freezer/cabinets and dropping of donations to Christian Help and getting rid of the recycling.

Mostly, I read. (I’d wanted to go to the arboretum and maybe take pictures, but until late this afternoon, the weather was abysmal.)

Yet I’m still tired.

My goal was to see how I felt at the end of this vacation, and then decide from there if I was going to call the doctor about increasing the dosage on my anti-depressant. I think the answer I’ve gotten is that although I’m better, I’m still not what I’d consider good, so it looks like I need to make a phone call.

It’s a hard decision to make, even though it shouldn’t be, because no matter what I know rationally, it still feels like a personal failure, being unable to get myself out of this on my own.

It’s stupid that the brain and the gut can disagree so soundly. Especially when both are at fault in failing to properly regulate my serotonin levels. :)

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been having issues with my depression recently. This isn’t a new thing–I’ve been dealing with it since I was sixteen–but events over the past several months have conspired to push my mood further and further out of my control.

I’ve been trying to do everything I’m supposed to, and met with only limited success. I think I’ve plateaued (Wait. Does plateau refer only to an upward rise or does it also count in downward spirals? Nevermind. You know what I mean.)

What does this mean? It means I have very little patience, very little tolerance, and everything frustrates me. My home situation makes this a serious problem as I’m not discussing my problems with my grandmother, because she will immediately assume she is the cause of those problems, and then she’ll get upset and feel extremely guilty, and then I’LL feel even more guilty and feel worse…. and you can see where this is going.

Why I’m bringing this up is because Grandmom is now in Virginia spending a week and a half with my aunt. What I am hoping is this will give me some true downtime to try and get myself back together, and start the long haul back up to normalcy.

Where I’m having difficulty is that I keep debating whether I should ask my doctor to increase my prescription. Yes, I’ve been under a lot of stress, and that stress is receding, so in theory I may be able to climb out myself. On the other hand, I may simply be making things harder for myself by thinking I can do it all myself.

Tough call.

Starting Friday I’m taking three days off work for a mini vacation. I’m going to get a massage and pamper myself on Friday. Probably go out to dinner and maybe even lunch. (Drinks are a toss-up. Alcohol and I are not best friends when I’m depressed, so I try and avoid it to avoid the stupidity that goes along with it. But it is relaxing in extremely small amounts.)

Do I need anything? No. I just want to share this because it’s what’s going on in my life, and as I said when I started writing about depression, until we can be honest about mental illness and our issues with it, those of us who suffer will continue to feel stigmatized.

It shouldn’t happen, but it does.

So I like to speak up, because there are still many people who can’t talk about their mental health problems, because their employers and family or friends wouldn’t understand.

I don’t think my situation is unique or special. I just hope that by talking about my problems, perhaps I can convince just one person to see mental health as something to be treated the way we treat diabetes or high blood pressure, not a personal failing.

Because let me tell you, it feel like a personal failing from the inside, so the last thing we need are people on the outside reinforcing that idea.

This wasn’t supposed to be a tirade. I don’t really need to gather any excess anger or indignation. I just like to occasionally explain the world from my point of view.

Chances I’ll be offline most of the day. Not because I’m doing anything exciting, but because I still need a break, and maybe I can read two books again.

I’ve got a post scheduled for 8AM, but otherwise don’t expect to hear from me until Sunday.

Well, I survived yesterday’s day without my computers. I did chores (boo), went out do dinner (yay!), and read two books (yay!).

I don’t have a personal computer ban today, but I’m going to try and avoid spending large chunks of time on the Internet today.

Maybe I can read another two books.

I’m still struggling with my depression and OCD. I think I’m going to try and stay offline on Saturday, and try and relax as much as possible.

Well, relax as much as one call while running errands and doing laundry and such.

So amuse yourselves while I’m gone, just don’t eat ALL the chocolate, or I will be Very Put Out.

Y’know, I’m getting really tired of this current bout of depression/anxiety.

I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing–exercise, getting enough sleep–but I don’t feel like I’m getting much better.

One clue is that when I can play endless games of solitaire on the computer, my head isn’t all it should be. I’m trying to do things I like, such as baking, but even that seems kinda futile right now. I’ve got projects I want to do, I just can’t get up the oomph to do them.

So here’s your task for today: Amuse me. Make me laugh. Tell me really stupid jokes–the dumber the better, and I love bad puns.

Laughing makes me feel better, so I challenge you to give me something to laugh about.

Meanwhile, I’m going to try to keep busy, to see if that helps.

So, I’m having issues with anxiety today.

I’ve learned that the best way for me to deal with my anxiety is to remain busy. Yesterday I organized the basement and did laundry and made biscotti.

Today so far I’m making cinnamon bread. (I also baked double chocolate cookies, and did two more loads of laundry.)

The problem is that I can only bake so many things before the freezer become overwhelmed. And I can’t just leave baked goods sitting around because Grandmom will binge on them, and then her digestive tract will get upset, and that’s never a good thing.

So apparently you all need to come visit me so I can bake lots of different things and have them eaten immediately.

When can you get here?

Michelle: Have you seen my sorts? I seem to be all out of them.
Michael: You left them on the floor and Kit was playing with them.
Michelle: Why would Kit want to play with them, they’re not fun.
Michael: Like we know what looks like a fun toy to a cat.
Michelle: Sure we do: a milk ring.

That’s right, there is nothing here for you today. Today is all about me. After I finish teaching teaching my class, I’m taking myself out to lunch, and then going to a local spa.

Then I will either hie myself to a bar or a bookstore. Depends upon my mood.

I am hoping that by the end of the day I’ll be somewhat de-stressed and a lot calmer.

You may hear from me later, you may not. It all depends, because today is all about me. So feel free to entertain yourselves by continuing the latest game of word association.

Today has totally kicked my butt. Nothing specific, just started the day off kilter and never managed to get back on kilter.

Think anyone will notice if I don’t get out of bed tomorrow?

I don’t think I’ve ever seriously made a single New Years Resolution. Yeah I made up some when pressed by my friends, but it was just something off the top of my head, not anything I meant.

I’ve never quite gotten the point of New Years Resolutions.

If something is important, why not just do it once you have decided it is important?

Mind you, this doesn’t always work either–I think I threw dozens of cigarette packs out the car window in the years I was trying to quit. But when I finally quit it was in July (1997, so it’s been 11 1/2 years), far from the time of Resolutions. (For those who are interested, going back on anti-depressants was the little extra push I needed to quit, to tone down my anxiety.)

I started regularly going to the gym during autumn (seven years ago I think).

Over the past several years I have slowly added more organic, healthy, and whole grain foods into my diet.

None of these things were resolutions. All that happened was that I realized I needed to make a change in my life and did it. Doesn’t mean it was easy, it doesn’t mean that tricks don’t hurt (an exercise partner is first and foremost a most useful trick).

Saying you’re doing something and telling others also helps–the knowledge that someone might ask you how things are going is a good impetus for keeping things going.

Yes, things don’t always work. I’ve been trying for years to get a regular writing schedule, but other than writing here (on my weblog), I’ve never been able to keep a regular writing schedule for more than a month and a half. But I think overall I have a pretty good success rate–at least for the important stuff.

So consider resolving not to make any resolutions this year. If nothing else, you’ll be able to enjoy January without any extra guilt.

I hate Monday.

This is a stupid way to start my vacation.

I’m pretty sure it is going to require chocolate cookies to repair this batch of Monday damage.