As I have written before, depression is something I have dealt with since I was a teen.

A young teen.

I admit my favored genres don’t seem like ones I am likely to see myself in (fantasy and historical mystery) Except that genre books often have excellent representation—after all, the relatable bits of those stories are about people.

I have read so very many passages in so very many books and immediately thought, “That! That is how I feel!” So, I’m sharing some of the ways books have clarified or shown a light on things I didn’t have the words for myself.

Depression and anxiety were self-abnegating and self-centering at the same time. It was so easy to believe that because my feelings were huge, they exerted a force beyond me. It was so easy to forget that even though I was always being forced to think about myself, not everyone else did.

— Roan Parrish, Invitation to the Blues

It’s hard to step outside yourself—even when you aren’t depressed. But when you are depressed it’s can feel impossible.

I was in my head, and that was the worst place for anyone to be, especially me.

— Alexis Hall, Boyfriend Material

When you’re in a depressive episode, it’s almost impossible to escape your own head.

I couldn’t breathe and I was running through every single shitty thing I’d ever done, pulling my mistakes around me like some kind of armor against the hope of anything good.

— Riven, Roan Parrish

There is isolation, a feeling of being trapped with your own brain.

I’d give my blood or my firstborn or my voice or my entire bloody inheritance for a mind that does not stand on the opposite side of the battlefield from me.

— Mackenzi Lee, The Nobleman’s Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks

You can see the things that other people have, but can’t believe they will ever be for you.

“I suppose you weren’t in the mood for any of Callie’s lovely barbecues last summer?”

No, Zach hadn’t been. Although, his mood might have improved if anyone had thought to invite him to those barbecues. Or tell him he’d been missed. Or ask if he was okay. Or remember he existed at all.

— Talia Hibbert, That Kind of Guy

And you know other people are judging you, making assumptions.

(S)he was, as people loved to put it, mentally unstable. (They thought) unbelievably common blips in brain chemistry made her some kind of separate species.

— Talia Hibbert, Untouchable

Thing is, you’re not doing this on purpose. You know things aren’t right. You want to make things better.

“When I’m depressed,” Nate said casually, “I always know what I should be doing. I know exactly. I just don’t do it.”

— Talia Hibbert, Untouchable

You know your friends aren’t judging you, but are certain they must be disappointed in you.

I’d fuck up and let them down, they’d feel sad, I’d feel sad, they’d feel sad for making me feel sad, and so on, and so on, and so on. As if I didn’t bear enough frustration and regret on my own account, without also feeling guilty for hurting the people who loved me.

— Alexis Hall, Glitterland

Even when trying to be helpful, people don’t get that there is nothing they can do to make you better. The demons are in your head and as much as you want to excise them—you can’t.

They wanted to make things okay for me, as if cooking the right dinner or renting the right movie might fundamentally change the way my brain worked. It was painful to watch. Painful to see them flounder over and over to turn the world into a place I could fit.

— Roan Parrish, Invitation to the Blues

Which leads to hiding from everyone, because you lack the ability to explain yourself, which makes everything too much work.

I suppose that’s what comes of purposefully avoiding everyone you love. But I had to— have to— stay away from them, at least until I’m not so miserable, so distant, such a burden. Don’t I?

— Talia Hibbert, Work for It

And doing everything you can to hide how much you are struggling from those who might notice.

The nice thing about heavy sweaters was you could wear them a long time without having to wash them, but still. There was a limit. There were a lot of limits, actually. Since grooming was one of those things people watched for, I made sure to clean beneath my fingernails and behind my ears.

— Josh Lanyon, The Haunted Heart: Winter

Sometimes the problem is the things you do, but sometimes it’s things you don’t do.

He closed his eyes. He hadn’t told his brother that he hadn’t drawn in eight months.

— Roan Parrish, Better Than People

When you’re struggling, you feel alone. It doesn’t matter what people say, because your brain is so much louder than anyone else’s words.

“(I)t’s difficult, sometimes, for me to understand that I have the power to hurt someone. You see, it requires me to accept that somebody might like me in the first place.”

— Alexis Hall, Glitterland

There is also the knowledge that even if things are okay today, that doesn’t mean it all won’t come crashing down tomorrow.

(E)very day when I was okay shimmered with a threat just out of view. I’d stop in the middle of doing something and check in: did I still feel okay? I did. I would reassure myself, See! You are still okay! But once I began to look down and check that the ground was still flat, every step felt like the one that might suddenly slope downhill. And even when it didn’t, the edge felt like it was growing nearer and each day became more and more vertiginous.

— Roan Parrish, Invitation to the Blues

You try do the right things, because you know they help.

“Plus this”—Charlie adopts Dev’s frantic hand gesture—“this is for my mental health. All the exercise, I mean. I don’t do it because I care what my body looks like. I do it because I care how my brain feels.”

— Alison Cochrun, The Charm Offensive

And meds help—they do! But even with meds the world can still come crashing down around you.

I wouldn’t have called myself a superstitious man, but when it came to the intricacies of my biochemistry, the complexities of my illness, I was as helpless as a frightened child who prayed to a god called science.

— Alexis Hall, Glitterland

Even when everything was fine, when she should be great, unease stalked her like a predator. Because she knew that at any moment, things might change. Her own fucking brain chemistry, the traitor, might drag her out of her body again.

— Talia Hibbert, Untouchable

What’s harder is it’s often a slow descent. You’re ok, and then you have a bad day. And another bad day. Until you realize you can’t remember the last time you had a good day.

It was a bad feeling, knowing the depression had crept up and was already drowning me before I had realized it.

— Lissa Kasey, Model Investigator

And here’s why these books are so important: Because when things are bad, knowing you aren’t alone—that others have struggled and found a way to put your feelings into words—matters.

It helps to know that it’s not just you, to remember you have come out the other side before, and you can do it again.

 

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Call or text 988

Veterans Crisis Line Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and press 1 or text to 838255

Mental Health Resources

MentalHealth.gov

NAMI

NIMH

The Right Resources Can Help You Manage Depression

5 Action Steps for Helping Someone in Emotional Pain

 

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Books with Depression Representation

 

Romance: Contemporary

Getting it Right (2015) A.M. Arthur (Restoration) main character, supporting character

The Charm Offensive (2021) Alison Cochrun, main character

Glitterland (2018) Alexis Hall (Spires) main character

London Calling series by Alexis Hall, main character (Contemporary Romance): Boyfriend Material (2020), Husband Material (2022)

Untouchable (2018) Talia Hibbert (Ravenswood) main character

That Kind of Guy (2019) Talia Hibbert (Ravenswood) main character

Work for It (2019) Talia Hibbert, main character

Take a Hint, Dani Brown (2020) Talia Hibbert (Brown Sisters) main character

Invitation to the Blues (2018) Roan Parrish (Small Change) main character

Rend (2018) Roan Parrish (Riven) main character

Better than People (2020) Roan Parrish (Garnet Run) main character

Whiteout (2017) Elyse Springer (Seasons of Love) main character

Team Phison Forever (2019) Chace Verity, main character

American Fairytale (2019) Adriana Herrera, parental

Romance: Historical

After the Wedding (2018) Courtney Milan (Worth Saga) main character

To Charm a Naughty Countess (2014) Theresa Romain, main character (The Matchmaker Trilogy) main character

Secrets of a Scandalous Heiress (2015) Theresa Romain, main character (The Matchmaker Trilogy) main character

Mystery: Contemporary

The Haunted Heart: Winter (2013) Josh Lanyon, main character

Haven Investigations series by Lissa Kasey, main character: Model Citizen (2016), Model Bodyguard (2016), Model Exposure (2017), Model Investigator (2017)

Mystery: Historical

A Case for Christmas (2021) J.A. Rock & Lisa Henry (The Lords of Bucknall Club) main character

Fantasy

Spirits that Walk in Shadow (2006) Nina Kiriki Hoffman main character

Who Killed Sherlock Holmes? (2016) Paul Cornell (Shadow Police) main character

 

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Call or text 988

 

Why Representation in Books Is Important
Mental Health Representation in Books: Anxiety
Mental Health Representation in Books: Grief
Mental Health Representation in Books: PTSD
Mental Health Representation in Books: Addiction and Eating Disorders

 

I came across an article discussing at the results of a study of antidepressants.

The study found that the anti-depressant Paxil (and in theory all SSRIs) do more than alleviate the patient’s depression, it found that the anti-depressant actually changed the personality of those taking the drug.

In the study, people who took Paxil (paroxetine), a selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), had a drop in neuroticism, which is a tendency toward emotional instability and negative mood. They also had an increase in extraversion, which is a tendency toward outgoingness, compared to similarly depressed people taking placebo.

As someone who takes anti-depressants, am I unsure how I feel about this.

The drugs I am changing may well be changing my entire personality, and not just alleviating my depression? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Part of me is disturbed by the idea of a personality change, but the greater part of me enjoys being more outgoing, and I definitely prefer being emotionally stable to the alternative. (I’m prone to mood swings anyway, and if they annoy me, I’m sure they’re far worse for those around me.)

So emotional stability is a good thing, and for me, an increase in extroversion is a good thing. But is it possible someone could decide that introversion itself is something that should be treated? Would it be acceptable to treat someone with an SSRI because they are introverted, even if they aren’t depressed? Would an SSRI even affect the introversion of someone who was not depressed?

As usual, I have no answers, only more questions. But for me, I’m pleased with the effect that the anti-depressant I am taking has upon both my mood and personality, so I’ll take that as a good thing.

The title pretty much says it all.

I’m having ups and downs right now, which is good and bad. Nice to have ups, but it makes the crashes harder to deal with when they come. I’m still easily distracted, but I feel like I’m capable of writing coherent sentences if I put my mind to it.

The extra bad TMJ and headache seem to have been a temporary glitch–thank goodness. But I’m still tired, and having trouble with motivation. My OCD is still bad, and I’ve got an unpleasantly high level of paranoia going. And evenings, unless I’m completely distracted, have been rough.

But I’m getting through the days, and sometimes I don’t mind so much being in my own skin.

It was in some ways a painfully long weekend, and in other ways the weekend was entirely too short.

I’m still having issues with my depression. Destroying my cell phone on Saturday didn’t help matters, not did having to plunk down $400 to replace it. But. That’s why we have savings–so when things break (for whatever reason) they can be replaced. So it’s just no new computer for me anytime soon.

The depression was incredibly frustrating. Just one of those days where I can’t stand being inside my own skin, and nothing I did really allowed me to escape myself, although I did managed to distract myself.

I kept busy by doing a fair amount of web design over the weekend, rebuilding the WordPress template for my book blog and then recreating the same style for the book pages of my website. I’m overdue a rebuild of my main page, but I don’t have a clue what I want to do with it, and abandoning the color scheme means having to create a new set of images. Since I’ve got probably 30 or so images that randomly appear, that idea is rather unappealing right now.

Speaking of images, I test drove Adobe Elements over the weekend. I have Photoshop at work, but there is no way I am going to pay that much money for a software package, and I’m one of those weirdos that refuses to pirate software or music, to Elements seemed the logical choice.

Having played with it, it seems precisely what I need, so at some point I’m going to have to cough up the money for that. But it’ll be worth it, because it’ll be nice to do image work at home (and goodbye to Corel Photopaint 10).

The predicted storms never came, so Saturday afternoon was sunny, as was today, so I got to get out and enjoy the flowers, just a little bit. And posted the requisite Sunday Flower Pr0n.

I also finally finished my review for A Short History of Myth.

Here’s to hoping this week goes smoothly.

And I wasn’t even at work until today!

I’ve taken a mini vacation from work to try and get myself together. Didn’t go anywhere, and the strenuous activities were cleaning out the fridge/freezer/cabinets and dropping of donations to Christian Help and getting rid of the recycling.

Mostly, I read. (I’d wanted to go to the arboretum and maybe take pictures, but until late this afternoon, the weather was abysmal.)

Yet I’m still tired.

My goal was to see how I felt at the end of this vacation, and then decide from there if I was going to call the doctor about increasing the dosage on my anti-depressant. I think the answer I’ve gotten is that although I’m better, I’m still not what I’d consider good, so it looks like I need to make a phone call.

It’s a hard decision to make, even though it shouldn’t be, because no matter what I know rationally, it still feels like a personal failure, being unable to get myself out of this on my own.

It’s stupid that the brain and the gut can disagree so soundly. Especially when both are at fault in failing to properly regulate my serotonin levels. :)

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been having issues with my depression recently. This isn’t a new thing–I’ve been dealing with it since I was sixteen–but events over the past several months have conspired to push my mood further and further out of my control.

I’ve been trying to do everything I’m supposed to, and met with only limited success. I think I’ve plateaued (Wait. Does plateau refer only to an upward rise or does it also count in downward spirals? Nevermind. You know what I mean.)

What does this mean? It means I have very little patience, very little tolerance, and everything frustrates me. My home situation makes this a serious problem as I’m not discussing my problems with my grandmother, because she will immediately assume she is the cause of those problems, and then she’ll get upset and feel extremely guilty, and then I’LL feel even more guilty and feel worse…. and you can see where this is going.

Why I’m bringing this up is because Grandmom is now in Virginia spending a week and a half with my aunt. What I am hoping is this will give me some true downtime to try and get myself back together, and start the long haul back up to normalcy.

Where I’m having difficulty is that I keep debating whether I should ask my doctor to increase my prescription. Yes, I’ve been under a lot of stress, and that stress is receding, so in theory I may be able to climb out myself. On the other hand, I may simply be making things harder for myself by thinking I can do it all myself.

Tough call.

Starting Friday I’m taking three days off work for a mini vacation. I’m going to get a massage and pamper myself on Friday. Probably go out to dinner and maybe even lunch. (Drinks are a toss-up. Alcohol and I are not best friends when I’m depressed, so I try and avoid it to avoid the stupidity that goes along with it. But it is relaxing in extremely small amounts.)

Do I need anything? No. I just want to share this because it’s what’s going on in my life, and as I said when I started writing about depression, until we can be honest about mental illness and our issues with it, those of us who suffer will continue to feel stigmatized.

It shouldn’t happen, but it does.

So I like to speak up, because there are still many people who can’t talk about their mental health problems, because their employers and family or friends wouldn’t understand.

I don’t think my situation is unique or special. I just hope that by talking about my problems, perhaps I can convince just one person to see mental health as something to be treated the way we treat diabetes or high blood pressure, not a personal failing.

Because let me tell you, it feel like a personal failing from the inside, so the last thing we need are people on the outside reinforcing that idea.

This wasn’t supposed to be a tirade. I don’t really need to gather any excess anger or indignation. I just like to occasionally explain the world from my point of view.