I just realized that I haven’t been writing very much here recently–at least nothing of import–so I should probably briefly let anyone who cares know how things are going.
They’re going shockingly well, actually.
Not only is my depression under control (the OCD is something else entirely, but I think only much stronger medication will control that completely, and the anti-depressants are good enough that the OCD symptoms I do have are not bothering me), but my anxiety levels have dropped low enough that I am able to deal with stressors in a normal and healthy manner.
This may not seem like a big thing, but for the past two years, when one thing after another was piled on me, I was at the point where any new trauma was pushing me to the breaking point, and even small problems were becoming beyond my ability to deal with.
Now, despite several somewhat major stresses cropping up, I have handled things with (for me) grace and aplomb. I’ve remained as calm as warranted by the situation, and when I felt I was starting to freak out, took steps to back away, and if that didn’t help, did things to actively calm myself down.
This is a huge change for me. My normal modus operandi is to react first, regret later. (That is, unfortunately, not an exaggeration.) But recently I’ve been calm enough to consider what I should do before taking action.
The only downside is that I am still unable to differentiate reasonable reactions from overreactions, and so poor Michael keeps being asked, “am I overreacting or is it reasonable for me to be upset about this?” This answers so far have been that my reactions have been reasonable.
This isn’t to say that things are perfect. However, I’m slowly gaining the ability to step away from the things (read: people) that have caused me problems in the past, and will continue to cause me problems in the future, and accept that their problems are not my problems, no matter how much they may try to make them so. This may sound like something everyone else in the world learned as children, but I am only now learning to take this to heart.
I’ve still got a way to go, which is why I am remaining on my meds for awhile, and will continue seeing my happy doctor in the near future. But having dealt with my particular demons for twenty years now, I’m willing to be patient as necessary.
And I’m taking the joys in life as they come, be they good news or a geeky t-shirt.
After all, as the epicureans once said, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may die.” I’m better off concentrating on the merry of today than borrowing trouble from tomorrow.
