Some flowers are from my house, some from the WV botanic garden, and one from the WVU arboretum.

Rhododendron!

Spiderwort

Broom (I love broom, and am glad this one has struggled and survived)

Chives

Irises

Peony

Thurmond, WV used to be a coal town and rail hub, and trains still run regularly through the area.

The population of Thurman at the last census was five, and most of the land in the area belongs to either CSX or the National Park Service, the latter of which has been attempting to preserve the remaining buildings.

Former National Bank of Thurmond

Thurmond Post Office, closed in 1995

Coaling Tower

Ruins being taken back by the woods.

Since it’d been awhile, we headed to New River Gorge, and went to one of the (many) areas we hadn’t hiked before: the Thurmond area.

We first went to see the town of Thurmond (separate post) which has been all but a ghost town for decades (the post office closed in 1995). Then we took our hike. We chose the Stone Cliff Trail, when runs beside the New River for its length.

What was particularly nice was that aside from the day-use area and the very start of the trail, we didn’t see anyone and had the trail to ourselves. We hiked 2 1/4 miles out–close to the end–but then I noticed that it was already 3, and we still had to stop at the brewery and eat dinner and then drive home, so we turned around and headed back.

Location: New River Gorge, Thurmond
Trail: Stone Cliff Trail (partial)
Distance: 4.5 miles
Elevation: 980-1253 feet
Temperature: 83-85 F

Because the trail runs beside the river it is quite flat, and thus an easy hike.

Stream tumbling down the mountainside

Stream crossing

It may have been raining in Morgantown, but New River Gorge was beautiful.

Here are some flowers we found on our hike.

Here we are! The books of April!

One of my favorite books last month was actually a new release! Why Kill the Innocent by C.S. Harris is the latest entry in the Sebastian St. Cyr series, and like the last several books, it’s dark in places. But it’s also good–and the darkness is very much a part of that time.  There were two audible books I really enjoyed, the first was The Rook, Audible Version by Daniel O’Malley which is just as good as an audible book as it was to read, and Cat o’ Nine Tales, Audible Version by Faith Hunter and narrated by Khristine Hvam. I really love her narration of Faith Hunter’s books, and since I’d finished listening all the Jane Yellowrock books, all I had left were this short-story collection.

I also very much enjoyed the K.J. Charles books I read, although they are definitely not for everyone.

Fantasy, Historical

Swordspoint (1987) Ellen Kushner (10/10)

Fantasy, Romantic

Dirk & Steele
Tiger Eye (2005) Marjorie Liu (6/10)
Shadow Touch (2006) Marjorie Liu (7/10)
The Red Heart of Jade (2006) Marjorie Liu (6/10)

Mystery, Historical

Why Kill the Innocent (2018) C.S. Harris (8.5/10) (Sebastian St Cyr)

Mystery

Death of a Hollow Man (1989) Caroline Graham (7/10) (Inspector Barnaby)

Romance, Historical

After the Wedding (2018) Courtney Milan (7/10) (Worth Saga)
Sins of the City
An Unnatural Vice (2017) K.J. Charles (8/10)
An Unsuitable Heir (2017) K.J. Charles (8/10)
Magpie Lord
The Magpie Lord (2013) K.J. Charles (8/10)
A Case of Possession (2014) K.J. Charles (7.5/10)
A Queer Trade (2015) K.J. Charles (7/10) (Rag & Bone)

Comics

Rivers of London: Cry Fox (2017-2018) Ben Aaronovitch, Andrew Cartmel, Lee Sullivan, Luis Guerrero, Steve White (5/10)

Audio

The Rook, Audible Version (2012) Daniel O’Malley narrated by Susan Duerden (9/10)
Cat o’ Nine Tales, Audible Version (2013) Faith Hunter narrated by Khristine Hvam (9/10)
The Snack Thief, Audible Version (1996/2003/2007) Andrea Camilleri translated by Stephen Sartarelli narrated by Grover Gardner (8.5/10)

Now, the stats!

Trade Paperback : 1
eBook : 12
Audio : 3

EBooks and audiobooks this month, with a single paperbook (the comic). Seven re-reads, which is also seven books I have in multiple formats (either paper and ebook or ebook and audio).

Fantasy : 10
Mystery : 8
Romance : 10
Comic : 1

Genre-wise, there was lots of overlap of genres, but still mostly fantasy and mystery, which are my primary favorite genres.

Male : 3
Female : 8
Initials : 5

And author-wise three male authors, and thirteen female authors, five books of which were written by women published under initials instead of a female name.

And those are the books of April! Yay reading!

I’ll be honest, I haven’t been to the National Aquarium for years, because many of the tanks used to be bare, and I really disliked that.

They have remedied that, which makes me very happy. Rocks and other items make the tanks look natural, and the octopus even had multiple toys.

Even better, they had a huge jellyfish exhibit, although to my sadness, they didn’t have benches where you could just sit and watch.

Poison dart frogs!

Puffins!

But most importantly: JELLYFISH

It makes me ridiculously happy that so many of the pictures I took of the jellyfish turned out.

There are lots of historical areas in Baltimore, but the two we specifically visited this time were Federal Hill and Fort McHenry.

Federal Hill overlooks the inner harbor. This is taken from the public park at the top of the hill.

Fort McHenry is a national park, and the site of the battle which led to the Star Spangled Banner.

The same cannon, three different views.

The cannon fascinate me as much as they horrify me. I’ve read several descriptions of battles involving cannon, and they all describe smoke, terrible noise, complete chaos and underlying that, the knowledge that cannon blew up on a regular basis.

These are truly giant cannon, permanently placed.

The mechanisms for aiming the cannon.

There were multiple cannon from Fort Pitt.

I politely waited to ask the gentleman if I could take a picture of him in his outfit.

Sadly, he had only plain buttons, instead of decorated unit buttons.

And the magazines were also preserved.

Although the outside doors have been removed, you can still the hinges and how they would have fit. (The inside doors remain in place and locked.)

Then there were the walls….

And lastly, we were lucky that it was clear and windy, and they were flying the largest flag.

Oh! And the view!

We spent a long weekend in Baltimore. We were there for my parents 50th anniversary party, but we also took the opportunity to visit Grandmom and wander around the city.

The harbour area is full of things I love coming together: water, old buildings, and occasionally, decay.

The USS Constellation in the Inner Harbor, in front of the World Trade Center building.

There was, I believe, a student group on the Constellation on Friday night. They were getting to shift the masts but did NOT fire the cannon.

Sadly.

Brickwork and hinge for storm shutter on old warehouse turned into condos.

These buildings are directly on the harbor, but none of them seemed to have functioning shutters anymore.

Looking across a dock at a warehouse that was turned into luxury condos.

Street in Fells Point.

Standing on Federal Hill, looking across the harbor towards the World Trade Center, and to the right, the National Aquarium.

Decaying dock.

Some flowers that were blooming while we were in Baltimore over the weekend.

Let me be clear–most areas of WV in which I travel are pretty litter free. Student areas in Morgantown? Not so much. But I don’t see a ton of litter when I’m out and about. So there is a good possibility that a good deal of the trash is from flooding rather than littering.

And there is a LOT of organic matter there as well, which is of course no ones fault.

But there is still a lot of trash in there–non-biodegradable trash–and that is a problem.

Unlike a lot of other places in the US (or the world I suppose) there are many many areas of WV that have been abandoned.

Mines stopped producing and not only was the equipment left to rust in place, but the camps surrounding the mines slowly crumbled as well.

Mountains were clear-cut of all trees, and the logging towns that had sprung up around them were deserted.

Then after the people left, the forests came back, hiding all but the most massive of structures. But even those structures are slowly being taken back by nature.

Because we have hiked so much of WV, I’ve seen many of these places. You’ll be hiking along and unexpectedly come across a chimney, or a rusted barrel, or the foundation of building, or railroad ties, all but hidden by the soil and moss and trees.

Or a cemetery. There are hundreds (perhaps thousands) of small cemeteries scattered throughout the state, where homesteaders and pioneers buried their dead, sometimes with carved tombstones.

Sometimes just with stones.

But the engravings eventually erode away, leaving just a rough stone, the names and dates and verses gone with the snow and the rain.

I try to stop at these hidden and nearly lost cemeteries when I come across them. I think about how it’s been generations since anyone remembered the sound of their voices.

Yet even as the structures crumble and names are washed away, every spring I stumble across the reminder of homes when all that is left is uneven ground.

What I find in the woods are patches of daffodils, thriving and spreading, marking out yards where someone once planted bulbs so they would have flowers at the end of winter. And so I find a tiny bit of beauty in the woods, appearing every spring and then disappearing, like the homes they decorated.

And I like that.

I like that even as buildings and names and dates disappear into time, these spots of yellow appear every spring.

I like the reminder that even if we are completely forgotten, something still remains. Beauty at the end of winter, coming back year after year.

(Some of the pictures I’ve taken at the cemeteries I’ve come across and some of the pictures I’ve taken of decaying structures and items.)

The arboretum is FULL of wild flowers right now!

Trillium

Dutchman’s Breeches, Dicentra cucullaria

Spring Beauties, Claytonia virginica

Virginia bluebells, Mertensia virginica

Trout Lily, Erythronium americanum

As much as I love the Morgantown Farmers Market, I *hate* their winter market hours. 11 AM on a Saturday means we can EITHER go to the market OR go somewhere and go hiking.

Despite the beautiful weather, we went to the Farmers Market, so we needed a close place to hike on Saturday, so we ended up at Snake Hill WMA (Wildlife Management Area). There are multiple logging / gas / access roads and multiple trails off them. The trails are unmarked and not blazed, but they had enough use to be pretty obvious.

The trail we set out to hike–the Canyon Rim trail–has four overlooks: Table Rock, Lake View, Middle View, and River View. For trails and overlooks that are not maintained, three of the four had excellent views. We also only came across one other group of hikers, which for a beautiful Saturday afternoon, was nice. (At Coopers Rock on nice days there are a constant stream of people; it’s nice people are visiting the forest, but not nice for relative solitude.)

Location: Snake Hill WMA
Trails: Canyon Rim, Cheat View, Little Hoop, Big Dipper, Northside Trails
Distance: 3.8 miles
Elevation: 1715-2342 feet (698 feet elevation rise)

Facing west towards Cheat Lake (Lake View overlook)

Facing east towards Cheat River, Raven Rock is on the left (River View overlook)

Coopers Rock Overlook. I swear I’ve never noticed that giant rock down and to the right.

In Snake Hill WMA there is a small cemetery, with three gravestones, and one rock that might be a marker. All three males (ages 4, 17, 19) died in 1860, two in July and one in October.

Someone on FB linked to an article about the medical management of mental health disorders: What It’s Like to Know You’ll Be on Antidepressants for Life.

The essay starts out noting the following:

The notion that people who take medication for mental illness are weak seems rooted in internalized social stigma. There’s still this strange divide in thinking about mental illness, where much of society seems to dismiss those illnesses as somehow less “real” than ones that are considered “physical.”

That’s unfair, yet true. We’re not supposed to talk about mental health issues. It’s ok to have diabetes or high blood pressure but depression or anxiety are secrets to be kept. Issues to be hidden.

To believe that my mental health issues make me a weaker person than someone who has a physical health issue is absurd. Yet it’s a common belief: depression and anxiety are weakness that can just be overcome by hard work and the correct attitude.

Part of it I suppose is historical: Suicide was a mortal sin that would send you directly to hell, so wouldn’t that make the mental state that made you suicidal a moral failing as well?

Part of it might also have to do with many mental health issues being more common in women than men, and women have historically been seen as weaker, both physically and mentally.

But perhaps a greater part is because mental health issues are less visible. You get a cast with a broken limb. You get scars from surgery. I can show someone my scars and X-Rays from my broken ankle, but what do I have to display for more than 30 years of mental health issues?

(Life insurance rates three times higher than my husband’s because I was honest during my interview about my past aren’t really anything you can display as a wound.)

After Robin Williams died, I remember being enraged by people who couldn’t understand how he could be so weak as to take his own life.

Weak?

When I broke my ankle I didn’t cry–I wasn’t even certain at first I’d broken my ankle, because I was certain it wasn’t painful enough to be broken bones. Yet I have felt emotional pain that was so harsh it took my breath away. A misery so strong that all I wanted was for it to end because it was unbearable.

I knew I could take medicines for relief from physical pain, and that over time the wounds would heal and the pain would eventually be gone.

Mental anguish is different. When you’re given anti-depressants, you’re told they might take up to a month to work. And that some meds are better for some people than for others so what you’re taking might not make things better. And again it’ll be a month before you know for certain.

Know what? I’ve had meds that not only didn’t work, but actually made things worse. That took more than two months to resolve.

Two months of something that no one could see. Two months of something I was certain was a moral failing: A weakness on my part.

A weakness.

During pre-marriage counseling, one of the questions we were asked was whether we suffered from mental illness.

“Yes,” I said, “depression.” (At this time I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with anxiety or OCD, even though they had been part of the mix since the beginning.)

“Not like that,” the counselor replied, “they’re asking about serious illness.”

Here’s the thing: I’m lucky in that I’ve always been able to work through my depressive episodes. It may have been a struggle, but I was able to get out of bed and be physically, if not emotionally, present.

I know I will be on meds for the rest of my life. I’m fine with that, because I have a strange quirk where I remember feelings painfully clearly. I remember the angst of being a teenager. I remember the shame of being different and unable to fit in. I remember breathtaking misery of grief. I remember the feelings of all my mistakes and the belief I would never get past them. I remember how it feels to believe I was worthless. That I was unworthy of love. That all I ever have done is cause harm and create misery.

I don’t want to live with that agony in the here and now, so I’m glad to take meds.

My primary fear is not being able to recognize if the meds start to fail and I begin to slip backwards into the abyss.

My secondary fear is of failing to recognize someone else who is suffering. Of missing the person who thinks they are the only one who feels they way they do: lost and broken and unworthy.

Which is why I share things like this. Because we aren’t alone. These things aren’t moral weaknesses or failures. They’re just physiology, and even if it takes a while, these things can usually be fixed.

Because these issues might be permanent but they don’t have to control me.

Because we are more than our illnesses and because we can live through them and be happy.