For somewhat obvious reasons I haven’t done a monthly round-up since March.

But as I’ve actually read some new-to-me books in recent months, I figured I might try to put together a round-up post.

And I’ve read some good stuff–even a number of new releases (though I also have some I haven’t been able to read yet, like the latest C.S. Harris.)

The romance I want to make note of is Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake by Alexis Hall. He’s a phenomenal writer, and this is the first MF story I’ve read by him. It’s lovely and does lots of unexpected things.

In mysteries I discovered Dahlia Donovan‘s Motts Cold Case series which are fun mysteries AND the main character is ace! I’m still enjoying Dianne Freeman‘s Countess of Harleigh Mysteries, which is a lovely historical cozy. And I want to note that book three of Ellery Adams‘ Secret, Book, & Scone Society introduce an ace character! Plus I started a new series, with Arsenic and Adobo by Mia P. Manansala which was good, and I loved all the representation in the story.

In fantasy, I am still enjoying Drew Hayes‘ Fred the Vampire Accountant series, and Out of House and Home was a nice entry. And I discovered T. Kingfisher this year, and all of her books have been delightful. (Although I think A Wizard’s Guide To Defensive Baking is still my favorite of her books so far.)

And you might want to check out some of the books I didn’t love, because my reading is off, so it might just have been a timing thing rather than a problem with any particular book.

Romance

Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake (2021) Alexis Hall (Winner Bakes All) 8/10
The Queer Principles of Kit Webb (2021) Cat Sebastian 8/10
The Labours of Lord Perry Cavendish (2021) Joanna Chambers (Winterbourne) 7.5/10
The Day Pass (2021) Slade James (Bear Camp) 7.5/10
Red Dirt Heart (2014) N.R. Walker (Red Dirt Heart) 7.5/10
A Little Light Mischief (2019) Cat Sebastian (The Turner Series) 7/10
Daydream, Colorado: Blindspot (2021) A.M. Rose 7/10; Mischief (2021) A.M. Rose 7/10
Baldwin Village : One Bed for Christmas (2018) Jackie Lau 6/10; The Ultimate Pi Day Party (2019) Jackie Lau 6/10
A Lady’s Formula for Love (2021) Elizabeth Everett (The Secret Scientists of London) 4.5/10

Mystery

Haven Investigations: Model Citizen (2015) Lissa Kasey 8.5/10; Model Bodyguard (2016) Lissa Kasey 8.5/10;  Model Investigator (2017) Lissa Kasey 9/10; Model Exposure (2017) Lissa Kasey  9/10
Motts Cold Case Mystery: Pierced Peony (2021) Dahlia Donovan 8/10; Poisoned Primrose (2020) Dahlia Donovan 8/10
A Fiancée’s Guide to First Wives and Murder (2021) Dianne Freeman (A Countess of Harleigh Mystery) 8/10
Arsenic and Adobo (2021) Mia P. Manansala (Tita Rosie’s Kitchen) 8/10
Transient Desires (2021) Donna Leon (Commissario Brunetti) 8/10
The Book of Candlelight (2000) Ellery Adams (Secret, Book, & Scone Society) 7.5/10
An Unexpected Peril (2021) Deanna Raybourn (Veronica Speedwell) 7.5/10
Scandal at the Salty Dog (2021) Josh Lanyon (Secrets and Scrabble) 7/10
Ghost Light Killer (2021) Dahlia Donovan (London Podcast Mystery) 7/10
The Cook of the Halcyon (2019/2021) Andrea Camilleri translated by Stephen Sartarelli (Inspector Montalbano) 6/10

Fantasy
Paladin’s Strength (2021) T. Kingfisher (The Saint of Steel) 8.5/10
Minor Mage (2019) T. Kingfisher 8/10
Out of House and Home (2021) Drew Hayes (Fred the Vampire Accountant) 8/10
Where There’s a Kilt, There’s a Way (2021) Ella Stainton (Kilty Pleasures) 8/10

I am not OK.

I’m not sure I even remember what OK felt like, it’s been so long.

Intellectually, I know the things I need to be doing.

Intellectually, I know grief is a process and it takes time and there is no wrong way to grieve.

Intellectually, I know I have difficulty dealing with grief.

But in reality? My brain still believes that I should be better by now. That I don’t have a right to feel this way because so many other people have it so much worse. That it’s wrong for me to still be grieving because I don’t deserve to. That other’s feelings and losses are more important than mine. That I’m weak for not being able to just get over this.

I hate this.

And I’m so tired.

I’ve tried to incorporate things that I know help me back into my life: we try to go hiking at least once a week—out in the wilderness where there are no other people. I try to get some exercise, even if it’s only walking on the treadmill while I’m on the computer. I try to remember to eat. I try to remember to drink enough water (or at least tea). And I read.

That helps to get me out of my head, to feel other things.

But it’s so hard to do just that bare minimum, everything else is too much. And it shouldn’t be. I mean, how hard is it to put away the groceries? How hard is it to put things away? Yet I don’t—I can’t—and then I feel guilty for that too,

I’m not cooking.

I’m not cleaning the house.

I haven’t baked since April.

I was already struggling with a lot of things before my dad died—the pandemic and politics obviously, but I’d also been trying to come to terms with things I’ve been ignoring for decades: who I am; how can I accept the parts of me that don’t fit. How can I be me, and not just the expectations of others?

I already didn’t much enjoy being me, living in this body.

I just want things to be better.

I want to listen to the news and not hear horror and misery. I want terrible things to stop happening to my friends. I want the world to be loving and accepting.

I don’t actually have a coda for this. I just needed to get it out. And to make some small attempt at letting people know: I’m not ok.